I am sorry for all you are going through and all your wife is going through. It must be very hard for you to hear that she thinks she is in love with this "friend".

As I was going through my healing my husband was supportive in the way I needed him to be - which meant I shared very little with him about what happened to me (which he didn't want to hear about anyway) and he was careful to always ask "what can I do" - which was perfect for me. I needed him to stay outside of what I was going through in order to provide stability to my life. I honestly didn't know that's what I was doing at the time but I can see it now. I asked him for hugs when I needed them and he respected my process but always understanding what I was going through.

I do understand that you want to help your wife through this so you may want to ask her what your help looks like to her and hopefully she knows what to tell you. It may be trial and error for a while until she knows what she needs from you. Maybe going to a therapy appointment with her once may help? It may also help if you get a therapist of your own because you should not feel alone in this healing process either. Sexual abuse affects entire families and each member needs to heal just as much as the person who was abused. You can both heal and you both deserve to heal. It just takes time and lots of patience.

I have asked her and she doesn't know. I am seeing a therapist, so we're good there. Unfortunately, we aren't living together right now and she is "dating" him right now, but she says she doesn't want to let me go. :(

This must be excruciatingly painful for you. Do you feel she will eventually come back to you?

It seems so unfair for her to ask you to wait for her when she says she is in love with someone else - her abuser no less. While I hope she will eventually see that her love for him is not based in actual love it is not a guarantee she will see it. And it may take years for her to heal enough for her to actually see that her love for him is not real love (and his for her is also not real love). I hope you will take care of yourself and do what is right for you. It sounds like you still love her and that is wonderful - I just hope you don't get further hurt in this process.

It does hurt, and I do think she will come back to me, but how long will it take is the question. It is hard for me to understand (because I don't believe I've been in that situation) how someone can be abused and still feel loved, you know? I'm sure most family/friends feel that way too. It's just hard to know she's being manipulated and I can't do anything about it.

She said that I didn't have to wait for her, but I love her. How can I not continue to be there for her? I'm trying to take care of myself. Every day hurts, but some days are better.

For many people who are abused they confuse abuse for love. This may come from a childhood family environment that also confused what love really was. Messages we receive such as "I am doing this for your own good" or "I am doing this because I love you" are examples of statements that can confuse a child as to what love really is. But it is not uncommon for a person to believe that the abuser loves them especially if the abuse goes on for a long time.

Is he manipulating her - yes he is. Abusers are masters at manipulation and telling lies that their victims believe are true. I hope that her therapist is working with her to get her to see that she needs to get away from the abuser so she can heal. It will be much harder for her to heal, and probably take longer too, if she is still with the abuser.

That's what I'm afraid of...

I've been told a few times that I need to give her space and let her come to me. To let her breath and figure things out. Do you think this is a good idea?

I feel like that is such an unhealthy situation for you! I couldn't imagine the pain you're feeling right now or the confusion she is feeling! I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation! I feel like I'd give her some space and be there for her from a distance. I hope that she is seeing a therapist and that she has someone talking to her!
I'll be keeping you and your wife in my thoughts!

Thank you for your kind words. We are both seeing a therapist. I'm trying to get her to come to this group too.

Hi, I just came across your post, in case you are still want to read this.. I want to write because I can identify with this and maybe it somehow helps.
Im really sorry for what you have to go through,
I have felt 'in love' with someone too, who assaulted me. This is very confusing and it is so difficult to get away from someone like this.
I would say that it is important to give her space, but to make sure that she is seeing her therapist. Also you can encourage her to talk to a friend, look for help in a forum like this, etc. when she mentions she is feeling confused, sad, ... it is also good if she can talk to you of course. but sometimes it helps to talk to a person who isnt so involved and who she cant hurt by expressing everything that she feels.

I hope her therapist is working with her on cutting the contact to this person.
The guy who assaulted me went to prison for another assault. That was the best thing that could have happened to me. I believe only when she doesn't see him anymore she can step back from all of it and really heal. Otherwise the confusion won't stop. (at least in my experience)

I wish you a lot of strength!

Kora, thank you for responding and for your condolences! I'm really glad that we've found this forum and I feel like it has helped a great deal. I have been giving her space. She is seeing a therapists. And, actually, she is posting on this forum now (Mrs. Stockholm). I feel like everything is moving in the right direction, but it is just frustrating and scary to know that she is going back to him sometimes. I do know that she is trying, though. I hope that you are doing well. Love & Hugs

ooh, that is great! I am really happy for you! its such a difficult thing to go through, your relation must be quite strong :)
I understand your feelings, it must be difficult. but you can also realise a big step forward, looking back at your last posts.
thankyou, I'm glad to have found this forum yesterday, it is very good to talk to people who can understand.
love and happiness to you