I understand what he was doing and good therapists do it so well. He was trying to get you to say why you were afraid of him because that is at the root of it all - fear. If he tells you what you may be afraid of it doesn't help you as much as when you realize what you are afraid of and actually say it out loud yourself. Since you immediately began to shut down when he asked about your fear it showed him, and you, that this was a trigger and some part of you is not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe it would help if you write what you most fear about him and all men? Also, you mention you are afraid he will hate you...there are a lot of emotions that go along with that and I'm sure he is trying to get you to feel them and show them - which means you would be processing them. And once you process them healing happens and you step a little closer to the finish line.

It was brave of you to bring it up even if it was indirectly. I hope you know the courage you had in doing this. Next time will be a little easier.

Take care.

Congratulations on addressing this issue! It took a lot of courage to do it - I should know, because I never did.

It's interesting that when he asked what you're afraid might happen, you said you were afraid he hated you. Hatred = ?

I don't feel brave. I don't know what the hate is about. I can't think of any reason he would hate me and if he did he would have referred me out a long time ago. Unless it is one of those slow burns.

Right now I am still processing and completely flipping a ship because I think he doesn't believe I was abused.
The whole mess is here if you want to read it.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Post-Traumatic_Stress_Disorder/forum/19273021-afraid-tdoc-doesnt-believe-mepanicking

I read your other post and commented. The thing about this issue, in case you come back to it, is not WHY he would hate you. You fear that he will, and I don't think you need a rationale for that fear, it just IS. But my question is, what does he DO if he hates you? How does he show his hatred? What happens to you if he hates you?

Bear in mind that all these questions and your answers are important because they are clues about your past. Transference is kind of like a crystal ball that lets you see into the past, because you emotionally re-experience it with the therapist.

Cecil - I was always afraid that everyone hated me too. I was always looking for the signs that said someone was treating me badly and therefore hated me. I learned this from my family and from the abuse. I was not accepted by kids my age and was teased all the time. I learned early that I was to be hated and began to fear that everyone hated me. I would go out of my way to be whatever a person wanted me to be just so I wouldn't be hated. The flip side of this is that I wanted to be loved. Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. If someone doesn't love you then they must hate you and visa versa.

I have read your posts where you struggle with the idea that you love your therapist and this scares you. The opposite of love is hate. So I think it is natural that you are turning it around to what you learned in your childhood - that people hate you. This stops you from being afraid of loving him and it likely an automatic response in you. Now its a matter of finding some middle ground - something I had to do a lot in therapy because many of us have only known extremes. But this takes time and a lot of self talk. Every time you fall into the old thinking of "I know he hates me" change it to "I am a nice person. I am very likable". Repetition is key so keep changing those old thought patters to new positive ones.

Another theory with the hatred is that you are projecting it onto him. I have also done this most of my life. I hated myself so much (because I learned to hate me as a child) so I projected that onto everyone and assumed they hated me too, even if I had just met someone. Even some very good friends I assumed hated me and were just pretending to be my friends (which actually did happen to me as a child). The more I learned to love myself the less I projected hatred of myself onto others.

Please be as patient with yourself as you can be. You are dealing with a lot of overwhelming thoughts and feelings right now. And, Yes, you really are brave for facing what scares you most. That is the true meaning of bravery - walking head on into what scares you most.

xx

I often had people I love betray me (as a child). I thought everything was good and the next thing I know they were hurting me. Many times physically as well as emotionally.

I have bouts of paranoia some days that my friends only pretend to like me when in reality they are just tolerating me.

Now that you mention it there are some similarities in the things I hate about myself and the things I imagine him and others hating about me.

Something to think about.