I don't understand it either, but I feel it as well. The anger and guilt, and guilt over being angry, and anger over being guilty. Are you on any meds? Not being able to function because things are so weighty on your brain, drugs are not "the" answer, but they are a possible answer. I see you're in therapy, so, if it were me, which it is also me, I would ask, and I did ask and am able to pretend in public to be a normal person 80% of the time. Pretty good.

I'm sorry you feel this way too, it's hard to deal with. I am not aloud on any meds because of my heart problems. I can't always act normal in public either, i even broke down crying in school last friday, and they sent me home because i couldn't "pull myself together" enough to get through my other classes. That is the third time this school year that i have been sent home due to mental breakdowns. :(

I feel very similar, especially with the anger and school grades dropping. I have a hard time getting the abuse off of my mind, find it near impossible. Best advice I can give you is try to get someone to talk with consistently face to face. It's a hard choice to make but it's the only thing that has helped sustain me in a lasting way. Best of luck

Sometimes our minds hides things until it thinks we are ready to face them. At that point the memories seem to come on like a flood, we cannot hide from them, or push them away because they will come back at the worst possible time. If you feel you do not have anyone to talk to, write, put your thoughts and feelings on paper. Having them on paper is better than having it inside of you.

I still feel same way, I try deal with myself to, it my fault that abuser aubuse me he said, and rest of world don't want to listen to me, it believe him he said would. I sorry you suffering in same way as me, your fault to?

I just wanted to say on here, first, I'm sorry (to everyone) who has had to go through this. I'm sorry that it doesn't just "go away" like many people who haven't been through it think it should.

To Guitargirl and Legendary (and anyone else who needs to hear it) -
I wanted to make 3 points:
1) It is not your fault.
2) It is not your fault.
3) No matter what your abuser(s) or anyone else has said IT REALLY IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your abuser took away your right to choose. SA is NEVER YOUR FAULT.

Good luck to you all, I wish you the best.

I completely understand the mental breakdowns! I could barely function at work just this past January. It got so overwhelming that even going to therapy once a week wasn't working. I felt incredibly lonely and isolated all the time and I was crying all the time and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to be on meds so I had to completely revamp my self care tools.

My usual daily routine was not working. So I did some research and decided to go back into group therapy and try the 12 step program (alanon and SIA). It was probably the best thing I have decided to do in my healing because now I feel so much more grounded and peaceful. Surrounding myself with people who have had similar experiences has helped me to find my footing again. I was tired of being the weirdo, the outcast, and the constantly crying person. Now the tears can come, but it's okay because I'm in an environment where the tears are encouraged as healing.

Figure out what healthy self care will work for you. It's different for each person and often the only way you'll know is by taking some chances. I had to take several chances and I have had to invest a lot more time than the weekly one-hour therapy appointment, but it has all paid off so much!!!

Big hugs!!!!