You have to ask yourself whose benefit it would be to tell him about being molested.
His? Yours?

In your case it sounds like you need to ask your wife that question because you sound like you already know the answer.

Tom S. in Tn.

I think you need to put yourself in your sons shoes. if your father came to you and explained that he was sexually abused and you were only fifteen, how would you take it.

While i will not advice you i can say for me that unless there was a compelling reason that would benefit my son, if i where in your shoes, then i wouldn't do it.

I think fifteen is to vulonerable an age and can do more damage than good to your relationship with him.

When he is older i think that would be more appropriate. I would not want the visual at fifteen that telling him would give him. i would want him to knowm me for who i am not what has happened to me.

Hi Tazgore, I D k I think it may be an overwhelming thing for him to processs, it might be kind of intense. I wouldn't want to keep secrets either though. Especially since it seems like you have a good relationship with him. Maybe just don't lie anymore, Tell him your seeing a therapist, he may not ask why right away, maybe let it unfold naturally, when something comes up, maybe just try not to hide and be honest, like Oh, I can relate to that. IDK I don't have kids, But if one of my parents just straight out told me at 15 I think I would've felt Very uncomfortable, but if it was like a discovery, a little at a time, maybe it would be Ok, or maybe ...IDK. Sorry I'm not much help. Maybe you still do have to deal with it on your own, and get to more of a place where you are OK first. That way you are clear, less connected, and stable, becasuse he may need support after this is reveiled.

okay.. heres my thoughts.
I have 2 daughters and I always thought to myself would I ever tell them. I dont want to hurt or upset them in any way either.
So I came to the conclusion that unless god forbid something ever happened to them and I could relate and help them there is no need for me to help them.
If they never encounter any type of abuse is there any real need to tell them? I feel it might hurt them or upset them to know there mother and father was hurt in such a way, and I dont want to burden them with that. If I have made peace with it and let it go , then it should stay there. My childrens lives dont need to be effected by it.

I personally dont think you should tell your son at 15. Im 21 and I remember how i was at 15. I wouldnt be able to handle such a thing. I dont think when hes odler and mature and could cope theres nothing wrong with telling him if you feel it is right. But to me 15 is a fragile age, they have enough to deal with by simply being 15 ( school, girls, peer pressure...)
But I also dont see why you cant tell him your seeing a therapist. theres nothing wrong with it. you could just tell him your working out somethings or something like that.

Best of luck to you with whatever you deciede. let us know what you do :)

* to tell them I ment. Typo.

I started therapy when my son was 5 years old. He didn't have questions until he got older and I answered honestly about why I was going to therapy. But I put it at a level he could understand - beginning by saying that some bad things happened when I was a kid. As he got older, he asked for more information. Without going into details, I always answered him honestly. You can be honest without being detailed.

My concern is that you are lying to your son about going to the therapist. Like it is something to be ashamed of. It is not. If he had a problem that needed therapy, would you want him to lie about it? Would you want him to be ashamed of it?

I think the place to start would be discolsing the fact that you're in therapy. If he asks, you can say it is for childhood abuse. If he wants to know more than you're ready to share, you can set that boundary. You can say "I don't think I'm ready to share that with you. Because of your age, I think it may be too much information."

Good luck and please be gentle with yourself. (((HUG)))

Unless he has gone through or is going through something similar I see no need to tell him. What purpose would it serve? He's too young to be told now. If you plan on writing a book and having it published you should tell him before he reads about it. But if none of this applies to you then I see no need to talk to him about it right now.

hey,
Im not sure what you should do? I think 15 may be a little young to tell. Maybe wait till he is older. What is your reason for telling him? To explain some of your behaviour? (like overprotectiveness or something?)To teach him about the dangers of the world?
I dont see why you should tell your son at all or why it cant wait until he is an adult. He is probably going through enough with going through puberty and other teen issues right now.

it would be good to warn him of predators out there, male or female,and sexual abuse can and do happen to men, and i think it would be good to let him know that it happened to you, you know as an example of what happeneds to men out there in the world.

I finally told my children when my son was 17 and my daughter was 15. Why not? They lived all their lives dealing with the symptoms of my PTSD. They deserved to know WHY their mother was such a mess (tho they really didn't think I was a mess, my reactions to certain things were, shall we say, a bit of a mystery to them & troublesome). Since I told them, they have become my greatest support system. And their reaction was, "WOW Mom, you survived all of THAT?!! And raised us so well, telling us stories about your family when we were curious even though it must have been so hard for you.........." and more. I have never regretted telling them and my reason for telling them was exactly what I stated above. They deserved to have a better understanding of why Mom reacted to certain things like she did. They knew I was in therapy but not why, and I explained to them that I have PTSD, but not why. When the time is right, when YOU can feel comfortable saying something and when you feel he is mature enough to deal with the subject matter, I see no reason not to tell. After all, IT'S NOT YOUR SECRET. And you might be surprised at the outcome. It's possible your son will react as my children did, with a hearty dose of you are not to blame and as much love and support as he can give!! But only when YOU are ready and you feel HE is mature enough to deal with it. GOOD LUCK!! With your own recovery.

i do not know what type of thrappist u are seeing weather it is one that helps u if u have been abused or not but even so that is crazy that she would want u to tell your son he is a kid right now and despite him being a kid now he will always be your kid and he does not need to know that happened unless something happens or comes up again that u feel u need to tell him about other wise just leave it between u and your wife and your thearpist and those who may know

I know it is uncomfortable telling our kids things about that terrible part of our lives, but I don't think we should be ashamed to seek help. I want my kids to know that it is ok to seek help if life becomes too much. I believe it is also ok to say there was childhood abuse or somethings happened to you when you were a kid that still bother you and you need help from someone who understands how to deal with your problem. At some point he may want the whole story and I don't think that you should be ashamed to tell him. I had to tell my 16 year old daughter after my parents got divorced this year because she idolized her grandfather and wanted to spend the night alone with him. I had to set boundaries and I told her that I didn't think I could let her because of things that happened to me as a kid. I didn't go into great detail but she does know I was molested. She gave me a hug and I actually think it made us a little closer.

My husband and I do not have children yet, however this is something that I have talked with my therapist about. She herself was abused and did come to a place where she did tell her children. Not everything, they definitely do not need to be told everything.

It may help your son to understand why you do thing the way you do. We all have our ways of coping with our past abuse, and thoses ways spill out into everyday life. However telling your son if you choose to needs to be done in your own way in your own time. Also please do not feel that you have to go into all the details with him. You have time to make this decision, you do not have to rush it.

All the best, Leanne

Thank you all for your advice on this. Obviously every situation has to be handeled differently. In my case i do not want to lie to my son, but at the same time i do not want to over burden him with info that he might not be ready to hear. I think that i will tell him that i am seeking therapy, but i will not be specific with why. I'll just tell him that i am trying to deal with something bad that happened to me in the past, and leave it at that. Maybe as he gets older and more mature, he will want to know more. I'll wait untill he is an adult before i give him the whole truth, and even then i will not be very detailed. Just simply state the fact of what happened.

Once again thanks a ton, the varied opinions really did help me narrow the path i wish to take.

Children are more at risk today then ever before. I would tell him. In keeping it a secret, you are teaching him to keep it a secret.

It's amazing how strong and resilient children are. Also, more times than not, they are smarter than we are.

I had to disclose after my son showed symptoms. I sure wish I'd done it earlier.