Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I am new to this group. I will quickly give my "story".
When I was a small child, a man in my church was abusing children ages 18 months - 3 years old, as well as older children (especially girls). I have few memories of the actual abuse but the abuser eventually was caught and to this day is in prison. He will never get out. When he was arrested and had his trial it was a big deal here where I live, but I was in 6th grade (some 10 years later). I had physical symptoms that I did not know were reactions to the abuse - hives that swelled my lips and tongue. There was no physical allergen. We (my mother and I) only pieced it together after the fact.
This early molestation led to me being a prime target for other abusers, not only adults but other children. I was preoccupied with sexuality as a child. I was also depressed and ashamed. I did not talk to anyone about what happened.
When I was 12, I was asked to babysit by a man in my church. It turned into a repeated molestation relationship. He was 32, so he was 20 years older than me. I told my friends a romanticized version of what was happening, but when confronted with my "story" later by my mother, I denied it. I had inappropriate sexual relationships with other men who were older than me (though they were teenagers/early 20's). I put myself into that victim role, in the guise of "love".
I have had crappy relationships, including an ex-husband and ex-boyfriends who treated me bad, but I let them. I have a great husband now and 3 kids and life is good even with my chronic depression. I know where all of my ex's are and abusers are, except the one who hurt me when I was 12.
So, it's been bothering me that I couldn't find where he was with all of the social media out there. I found him today. He's involved in some positive thinking scheme and I realized his children (who are obviously younger than me) -- who he used as a ruse to rape me -- know people who I know. They went to my high school. For some reason that felt like a violation all over again.
I thought I had gotten through this and I thought I had come to a point where I had let this crap go. I do not want to hold on to the anger or pain anymore because it only hurts me. He thought it was great to have me on the phone crying when I tried to confront him 24 years ago, when the police were listening. Nothing happened to him. I put my trust in God that He will make the abuser answer for every crime someday.
So, my question is: Is it better to know where the abuser is or better to not know?
Should I keep a virtual eye on him or not?
Thanks for any ideas, suggestions, or support.
Deanna
When I was a small child, a man in my church was abusing children ages 18 months - 3 years old, as well as older children (especially girls). I have few memories of the actual abuse but the abuser eventually was caught and to this day is in prison. He will never get out. When he was arrested and had his trial it was a big deal here where I live, but I was in 6th grade (some 10 years later). I had physical symptoms that I did not know were reactions to the abuse - hives that swelled my lips and tongue. There was no physical allergen. We (my mother and I) only pieced it together after the fact.
This early molestation led to me being a prime target for other abusers, not only adults but other children. I was preoccupied with sexuality as a child. I was also depressed and ashamed. I did not talk to anyone about what happened.
When I was 12, I was asked to babysit by a man in my church. It turned into a repeated molestation relationship. He was 32, so he was 20 years older than me. I told my friends a romanticized version of what was happening, but when confronted with my "story" later by my mother, I denied it. I had inappropriate sexual relationships with other men who were older than me (though they were teenagers/early 20's). I put myself into that victim role, in the guise of "love".
I have had crappy relationships, including an ex-husband and ex-boyfriends who treated me bad, but I let them. I have a great husband now and 3 kids and life is good even with my chronic depression. I know where all of my ex's are and abusers are, except the one who hurt me when I was 12.
So, it's been bothering me that I couldn't find where he was with all of the social media out there. I found him today. He's involved in some positive thinking scheme and I realized his children (who are obviously younger than me) -- who he used as a ruse to rape me -- know people who I know. They went to my high school. For some reason that felt like a violation all over again.
I thought I had gotten through this and I thought I had come to a point where I had let this crap go. I do not want to hold on to the anger or pain anymore because it only hurts me. He thought it was great to have me on the phone crying when I tried to confront him 24 years ago, when the police were listening. Nothing happened to him. I put my trust in God that He will make the abuser answer for every crime someday.
So, my question is: Is it better to know where the abuser is or better to not know?
Should I keep a virtual eye on him or not?
Thanks for any ideas, suggestions, or support.
Deanna
I never knew if he went on to abuse other young women or not. I tried to get something to be done to him through my church, too, but of course they didn't do anything. There are times that I hate my brain for forgetting details. He impregnated me, took me to have an abortion, and I was always trying to protect him and this secret "relationship" while it was happening. As a parent, now, it makes me sick on completely new levels.
I woke up this morning and begged God to help me let the intense feelings I have, GO. So, I know where he is. I know he is just as delusional and scheming as he was back then. Is there anything I can do today that will stop him that will NOT hurt ME? Probably not.
Still, there is a part of me that wants to confront him and tell the world what a piece of crap he is.
Truth is, I have more important things to do. I have my children who need me to be here in the present. I have a husband who loves me, as screwed up as I can be. ;-) But there is that vindictive part of me who wants to eff up his life.
Let me first say what an incredibly strong person you are; you went through more as a child than many adults will ever experience and you have formed what sounds like a solid family that you love.
I think you have pointed out your own truth - you have better things to obsess over than him, especially if you have children. But, you and I both know - once a molester, always a molester. There is research that backs this up as child molesters have one of the highest rates of recidivism of all crimes. That means they will probably do it to someone else. Most molesters have multiple victims, often in the double or triple digits. What a shame that the police were not able to do anything.
Right now, my opinion is that you need to re-heal over this. He may be abusing others, but you really don't have the power to know that at this time. Perhaps you would do well to talk to a rape crisis counselor or a women's advocate about this perp. If you are still in the same area as him, they may have had other reports and you could assist in bringing this man to some form of justice. But right now you need to think of you.
Many of us covered for our abuser, under different reasons; thinking we would be blamed for the abuse or feeling an attraction to the attention we are getting from an adult. This is very normal with abuse survivors. And you are a survivor, just look at your life and family if you doubt this.
This man can no longer hurt you as you have gained your power back; so do not allow him to gain any of it from you. Find peace in your heart, enjoy your family and heal some before you tackle this issue again. Being overstressed will not help you or others right now. I would again suggest that you seek professional help with this and see if there is something, down the road, that perhaps you can do -
All my best -
I did notice this morning that I am having some physical reactions that I think are due to this stress of wanting to know where the perpetrator is and trying to sort out my memories.
Other needs come first, however. Motherhood trumps old crap from the past. :-)