Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
We've been married going on 11 years, and she's been working through her abuse for the last 4 or so (although it's been affecting us for the whole time of course). I know this sounds selfish, but her depression, anxiety, lack of self esteem, and coldness are really starting to get to me. I know it's my job to be patient, and be there for her, and I really do want to. I love her so much. I'm not sure if I have the patience to keep this relationship going. I feel like because of her abuse, one of the ways she copes is by excluding me from her life. She's said as much. I understand why she treats our relationship the way she does, I really do. But that understanding only goes so far...
I want to scream at her that I'm in this with her.
When she has her good days, we're so happy it's almost disgustingly cute. It's bliss.. but thats maybe two or three days every couple months? And it feels like it's just getting worse.
And I'm not mad at her, honestly. Frustrated, yes; maybe she hasn't taken her counceling as seriously as I'd liked for the last four years, I feel like it hasn't made any difference.. like it's just given her an excuse to keep me happy.. That sounds really shitty, I know..
It has been really, really tough on her, and I know she's done a lot of work, but it all seems so stagnant? She's just so damn stubborn, and proud, it's really hard to talk to her about us. (besides the fact that I'm not really good at it.) She's a very successful childrens therepist herself, so sometimes she thinks she doesn't, or shouldn't, need to get help, or depend on others, or to be vulnerable. She maintains a nice shell around herself.
I don't want her to think I blame her for our problems; I really really don't. But how do I ask her to take responsibility for her behavior? Or should I say our relationship.. Is that something I shouldn't even be thinking to ask?
I feel like I'm doing as much as I can about myself, but I don't get any validation except more critism. I'd like to see someone, but I travel for a living.. I've read the books, and they've truely changed our lives for the better, but they only go so far.
Maybe I stopped caring, or trying, with everything, because she doesn't? Is that just my excuse?
Am I really strong enough to do this? I feel like I've been worn away over the years..
sorry I'm just venting, and rambling... I'm so confused I don't know what to do anymore. She's such a beautiful person, and I love her so much.. She's gone through so much, and going through so much. I just want us both to be happy.
Thanks for listening..
I want to scream at her that I'm in this with her.
When she has her good days, we're so happy it's almost disgustingly cute. It's bliss.. but thats maybe two or three days every couple months? And it feels like it's just getting worse.
And I'm not mad at her, honestly. Frustrated, yes; maybe she hasn't taken her counceling as seriously as I'd liked for the last four years, I feel like it hasn't made any difference.. like it's just given her an excuse to keep me happy.. That sounds really shitty, I know..
It has been really, really tough on her, and I know she's done a lot of work, but it all seems so stagnant? She's just so damn stubborn, and proud, it's really hard to talk to her about us. (besides the fact that I'm not really good at it.) She's a very successful childrens therepist herself, so sometimes she thinks she doesn't, or shouldn't, need to get help, or depend on others, or to be vulnerable. She maintains a nice shell around herself.
I don't want her to think I blame her for our problems; I really really don't. But how do I ask her to take responsibility for her behavior? Or should I say our relationship.. Is that something I shouldn't even be thinking to ask?
I feel like I'm doing as much as I can about myself, but I don't get any validation except more critism. I'd like to see someone, but I travel for a living.. I've read the books, and they've truely changed our lives for the better, but they only go so far.
Maybe I stopped caring, or trying, with everything, because she doesn't? Is that just my excuse?
Am I really strong enough to do this? I feel like I've been worn away over the years..
sorry I'm just venting, and rambling... I'm so confused I don't know what to do anymore. She's such a beautiful person, and I love her so much.. She's gone through so much, and going through so much. I just want us both to be happy.
Thanks for listening..
Here's one thing you can do that might possibly help her and you both. Write her a long letter. Express how you feel about her, pour out all your feelings and how you feel she is shutting you out. I mean get real down and dirty and pour out your soul to her. Yes, put YOURSELF in a vulnerable position. Maybe, just maybe, she will comprehend what your marriage should be based on and take the proper steps to truly get better and let you into her life. Remember, patience is a virtue.
I don't know if I've helped or not, but I tried.
peace and love ... Kyle Anne
From what you have said it sounds like you have been a very patient and supportive husband. You must really love your wife to have supported her through her emotional turmoil the last 4 years. I can totally understand that your patience is running out and you are frustrated. After all its your life too and you are entitled to have an enjoyable life.
I wish there was an easy answer to this but the damage done by sexual abuse is very complex and there is no easy fix. It must be really hard if she is shutting you out too.
Have you tried couples therapy? Maybe this could help ur wife to open up more and for you to understand her better.
I really hope things work out for you and your wife but dont feel bad if you cant cope with it anymore and have to leave. Its very noble of you to support your wife but you have to think of yourself too.
Have you spoken to your wife and told her your feelings? Try to do so in a gentle way. She may not realise how much you are hurting etc.
good luck
She needs to go to therapy and work on her issues like she is doing, granted, but she is married, and she also needs to work on her marriage.
I spent a lot of time frustrated, while my fiance spent a lot of time waiting for something to change in herself. Nothing changed until we took an active approach in working on OUR marriage. We went to pre-marital counseling, and marriage counseling, and bought dvds we could watch together on how to have a great marriage. I have learned (and continue to) a lot about what marriage is supposed to be, and so has she. She seems to have an easier time accepting ideas about our marital roles when they come from anyone other than me :)
I would try checking marital classes/seminars. Google "marriage today" and browse around. Being a supporter can be hard, I know, but progress came for us when we took this route. I hope you find progress soon.
Best of luck.
I don't know what to tell you, marriage counseling sounds like a good idea. And, if that doesn't work, you cant say you didn't try.
having read your post i can't help but wonder what are you doing for yourself? She may have been abused but it is affectiing both of you. When someone is abused then everyone around that person has been abused. It is different for sure but the affects and end result are the same for the people in the abused person life.
You are putting forth a gallant effort as you should and no one can fualt you for that.
What exactly are you expecting to change with your wife. how realistic are your expectationsa and are you willing to scarafice some travel to invest in counselling with your wife or in parrall with your wife.
This stuff is madding and extremely complicated. if your marriage is worth saving then you can't leave it all up to her and i don't think you are.
i think you need to commit to working with counselors on the issues. i think your wife would find your interest and committment very encouraging.
If your marriage is worth saving then finding a way to particapate at a counseling level is not too much to expect from a supportive spouse.
good luck.