Hello everyone, I'm new to this website and so glad I came across it. I've been battling with sexual abuse and depression since I was 11 years old. I'm now 22 years old and I feel like I need counseling before it is too late. My stepdad and I were close when I was around the age of 5 but as I got older he began to approach me in inappropriate ways. It got worse a couple of weeks after I just started 6th grade. A friend of mine was going through some things and was forced to do sexual things with someone she trusted and the day I trusted to tell him what was going on; was the day I regretted everything. That same night he approached me in the living room and as I was asleep he was rubbing my private parts and as I was waking up he asked me if I had ever been eaten? At this time I wasn't sexual or into boyfriends so he knew that I've never experienced those things. So I told him no and ran off to my room and locked the door. I was so afraid that I stayed in my room for the rest of the day and didn't eat or do anything. I spoke to my mom about it and she was angry but when she spoke to him the way he explained himself was as if he was trying to see if I was involved in anything or peer pressured. I was so hurt but eventually it died off. A week or so later things got worse. Around dinner time I began to notice things in my drink and at first I didn't think anything of it because when I told my mom she said it was brother one of my brothers eating something and it fell in my cup. But it was really pills that he was putting in my drink to keep me from waking up or having the ability to get up when he was getting his way with me. These things happened for so long and it seemed as if the more I said something the more it was looked at as if I were dreaming. It went from being touched, to my breast being sucked, being kissed by him, being touched inappropriately in on my private parts, and sadly sex. All theses things happened because of those pills. He had access to all of those things bc he worked in the hospital. And I can remember what was happening bc even though the meds would shit my body down I was still in and out of consciousness so I could see what was going on or feel it but I couldn't get up or scream for help. Eventually I took it as no one cared or understood so I just dealt with everything the best I could. Back then it was as if my brain went in protection mode to keep me from hurting myself and shutting down. Thank God i never cut myself, smoked, did drugs, drank liquor, or anything like that. I was hurt and confused but I was able to be strong and protect myself the best way I knew how. I never dealt with everything that happened through the years and now that I'm older and a ftm as well as a fiancé...everything is coming back and haunting me. I feel like I'm shutting down, I have a lot of anger, and I've been stressed a lot lately. I have so many questions but the level of fear that I have of him I can't ask or say anything. My life and my families life is too precious to jeopardize. I don't know what to do but to continue to pray and keep God first because if it wasn't for him I don't know where I'd be or what I would be doing right now. I know that some day I will be healed and happy again.