I am so sorry you had to endure what you did as a child. IT's unfortunately understandable that you have the urges you have now. That doesn't mean you ever need to act on them - just be understanding of yourself, and notice your thoughts and feelings with kind acceptance. I'd suggest you find a therapist to get some support and guidance, to help you get better.

I am sorry you have feelings like this. I hate the struggles from being abused and being hurt. Just remember you are not your abuse and just because you have thoughts and feelings that stem from abuse does not mean you are a bad person. It just means you have had abuse and need healing and to be strong. Think about it . counseling for this type of abuse is a big thing. I did not remember my abuse and had feelings toward men and I just felt dirty and yucky. I am married and moved away and started to remember and it was like a lightbulb went on and I hated it that I was abused but relieved that there was a reason and that there was a reason and there was help for me. I am healing and still remembering and still struggling but with Gods help I will get through. Prayers for you and take care and healing to you. grasshopper7 John 3:16 KJV

As the others have said, these feelings and desires are pretty "normal" following childhood sexual abuse. Our early sexual experiences seem to become quite engrained in our sexuality and sexual desires, even when they are abusive experiences.

Counselling can help you process the trauma of the abuse and deal with the consequences in adulthood. It won't make the abuse go away, and probably won't change the types of sex you find appealing or the people you're attracted to, but it may help you regain control of your life and put to bed some of the demons that you've carried the last 20-odd years.

Good luck.

I'm very very sorry this happened to you. I am in a very similar situation. I was abused multiple times as a child. I forgot about my abuse until years and years later. I was 18-ish at the time and only remembered bits and pieces. A few years later I started getting a few images in my head, then short snippets of movies. I still can't remember much more than that, however.

I can tell you without a doubt that I am straight. I love women, I have feelings toward women, and I don't want to be with men. But every now and then I get these urges where I want to be with a man, a much older man. it's this asexual sexual urge (the only way I can describe it). I hate the notion of it and how it affects my life, but it's there nonetheless. It's almost as if my body wants to relive it or my mind wants to remember what happened.

In short, you are not alone. There are many people going what you are. Hang in there. Seek therapy.