Hello, Im new here and was hoping to share my story. I'm sorry that this is a long post, I have never really shared before. 

I want to start off by saying that I don't think what happened to me is as awful as things that some go through. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I was sexually assaulted or if I can call it that. 

When I was 14, I went on a vacation with my step mom to visit family. We lived in a different state at the time. We stayed at my step brother's house, who was 28 at the time. I always looked up to him and saw him as my protector. We all used to live together when I was younger until he moved out and joined the military. One night after everyone was asleep, he texted me asking if I wanted to join him in his bedroom. I was shocked, confused, and not sure what he meant. We continued to text and I asked him what he was doing, why he was asking, etc. He told me he wanted to have sex with me and that I was very attractive. I always thought of him as my brother and told him so, he responded with "yeah but were not related." I was scared and confused. I locked myself in the bathroom to try and process what was happening. I continued to text him, and he continued to insist that I come join him. I told him NO, that I was not comfortable with it, etc. (I was sleeping in the loft upstairs, which had no door or lock). Eventually, he came out of his room and sat with me on the couch. I was obviously uncomfortable. He started to touch me and I pulled away. He then pulled me up and asked me if I wanted to go upstairs. At no point was he forceful or violent, but he just would not stop asking and putting himself on me. I went upstairs with him, in where he proceeded to initiate sex with me. At this point, I did not tell him no, stop, push away, etc. I just let it happen. Afterwards, he was nice to me. We talked for a few minutes, then he went back to his bedroom. This all happened the night before we headed back home. I think I was in shock at the time. I haven't seen him since. My step mom and my dad are now divorced and I have no ties with that family anymore. This was almost 10 years ago. 

I never told anyone other than close friends what happened. Never told my parents, or any authorities. As I processed it further in the days and years to come, I became very depressed, almost to the point of being suicidal. 

I have since healed, but still have lasting affects from that event. I have flashbacks sometimes and have intimacy issues. I am angry that he stole my innocence and that my first sexual encounter was a confusing, negative one. Sometimes I blame myself, since I never fought back. Then again, he never used physical force so I feel like I could have stopped it. Idk... i guess I have never had closure from this and it sitll haunts me today. Am I right in feeling this way? Should I just shake it off? I hate that he got away with it. I resent him. I have a very loving and supportive boyfriend but sometimes don't feel that he understands. Or that anyone understands. I feel alone in this. I widh I could erase the memories but i cannot. 

Thanks for reading.