hi--
i would say that it would be really important to figure out why you want to talk to him before you consider it.

did you ever tell him you thought what he did was rape or is he still thinking what he did was ok?

if you want to forgive him, you don't have to see him to do so. forgiveness is something you do inisde of yoursefl--he doesn't have to know about it; and if you are really wanting to tell him, you could just as well send a letter as see him, and that would eliminate any other motives inside of you from sneaking their way in. i will say that i offered a "forgiveness" to my brother who abused me for years when he'd been hospitalized for a suicide attempt (apparently it was his only alternative to going to jail on a weapons charge--i didn't know that at the time, so it's unlikely he was really suicidal, but i thought he was...). i told him, "if this has anything to do with feeling bad about what you did to me...i just want you to know that i forgive you for that; i have a good life now and i'm ok." he said, "That, i never think about that." it did not bother him at all what he'd done. if you think offering forgiveness is going to get some response that will help you, don't bank on it, and unless you know he is troubled by what happened, the chances are your motive is about something else anyway. you would probably feel badly if you'd done soemthing like this, but guys who do it don't usually sit around feeling sorry for the damage they caused--if they are even conscious of it.

there was a guy that i was crazy about for years when i was in 7th grade until i was a freshman in college. he was always just out of reach, but would occaisionally throw me a bone, so to speak, by saying something nice in class, or going for a walk with me, talking on the phone--a lot. but would NEVER consider actually being my boyfriend, though at times he's promise it for the future. i got more and more involved with him sexually--lost my "by-choice"-virginity (after the SA in my home, i don't think i was officially a virgin when we were together) and it turned into the only times we saw each other were when he wanted to make out or get laid. but i had enough hope that he really liked me, that i would keep falling for it. anyway, in college, first year, he finally crossed the line. i said no, multiple times, and he (i think so used to convincing me and getting his way) went ahead anyway--in a cement stairwell of my dorm...when he was done, he just left me there.

i did report him to the campus police, the next day. it was scary, but i knew i'd said no. they were not very helpful, for all the reasons you describe that kept you from telling, but they did arrest him and pick him up for questioning from his frat. pretty embarassing for him. he contacted me, and he tried to talk me out of pressing charges. he did his usual "nice-when-i-want-something" routine, but i was done falling for it. i did agree to have dinner with him, and he tried to treat it like a date almost, he took me to the nicest place we'd ever been together and promptly tried to get me to drop the charges against him. clearly as soon as he got what he wanted, he would have been back to his old ways and i'd not have seen him again unless he wanted to have sex...

i too blamed myself--i taught him this pattern; had always been there before, why should this be different, etc. but it was dif. because i really did say no and he really did force it.

occaisionally i would see him on campus after that, but it really broke me from wanting to talk to him after i saw what his real motives were. when i didn't immediatley fall for his manipulation, his tone changed and he never treated me nicely again. he got what he wanted and was gone once the police said they didnt' have enough evidence to proceed and basically told me how public a trial was and tried to talk me out of moving forward with charges.

perhaps a conversation in a public place wouldn't be all bad if it's something you do to get closure. but if you are looking for him to comfort i'd probably wait until you have found support elsewhere.

i don't know if any ot this will be helpful, but i thought i'd throw it out there and maybe it would give you some things to think about and help you sort through what you are wanting...sorry for what you went through. i hope it works out in a way that leads to the most healing and peace for you. be safe.

I do think it helps. I probably should not speak to him until I understand my motives and what I would say if I were to speak to him at all. I don't think he ever understood that what he did was rape, because I didn't even realize it for weeks. But I had clearly said no multiple times and he still forced it, like what you said. Because of this, I doubt talking to him would bring about anything positive. He doesn't even know that he has hurt me and caused me years of pain.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but it sounds as if you've dealt with what happened positively. Thanks for your advice.

Anybody that rapes feels entitlement. If you meet up with this guy and you remind him how you said "No," I have no doubt that he will deny it. It will be like being raped all over again. Save yourself the pain and don't pursue an acquaintance with him.

I have been raped several times. I put myself into a lot of vulnerable situations.

Please take care of yourself.

Whaday is right....this MONSTER will likely NEVER change his ways...I know that I want ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my abuser!! If you tried to pursue a friendship with this individual, I hope you question why you want this-(could be a self-esteem issue,and I hope you get counseling for it!). No one should take that abuse from no one!!

Tom B. aka Ihman

I do just want to tell you, it's not unusual at all to want to talk to this person...I have been reading "The Wounded Heart" a well known book for healing, and there is an entire chapter on ambivalence (feeling two contradictory emotions at the same time). One of the very normal responses is to be both drawn to and repulsed by or angry at the person who abused you. To both hate the memories of what happened and be drawn to them or be facinated by them. To want to forget, but also to constantly go over it in your mind. So don't feel like there is something wrong with you just because you are thinking about this....but do think very hard about whether or not it is wise to put action behind those feelings. It's unlikely that much positive can come out of that without a structured plan guided by a therapist....and it doesn't sound like that is the stage you are in. If you are early in your recovery or haven't had much time in the healing process yet, seeing him could add untold damage to an already confusing and difficult situation.

Blessings, babbit. hang in there and talk through things here as much as you need to.

emma

I,myself would LOVE to have one opportunity to confront my abuser and tell him how huch he has destroyed my trust in people and the friendships I could have had my trust had not been destroyed. That may give me a sense of peace and closure.

Tom B. aka Ihman