Well, first and foremost, PLEASE DON'T ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS!!! I have not been able to use any meds. I have found several herbal treatments that help with the anxiety though. One is Chamomile, another is Lemon Verbena, both pleasant tasting teas and not real expensive. I have had very good results with using something called 5HTP in regulating my mood swings. It is in the vitamin section at Wal Mart, or any good health food store should carry it. I would not recommend Valerian for the anxiety as it tends to cause more depression, but it is something they used to prescribe to the shell shocked English during the bombings of WWII. It does work to calm anxiety though. And you will always find someone to talk to here on DS, or someone to answer if you post. Get those whirling loops of thoughts out of your head on paper, here in your journal, or post and vent. Do whatever you need to so that you can get through this tough time. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you can find the strength within you to get through this!

Honey, I agree with mtnmam62...DON'T ACT ON THESE FEELINGS. I recently started having suicidal thought myself so I know what you mean. I realize that you don't have insurance but if you don't feel like you can control the feelings, GET YOURSELF TO AN ER OR CALL 911. If you give up then he's has won. Now is the time for anger not hopelessness. Choose life. With life there is always hope.

if i go to the er they will keep me and ill lose my job not that the job is really a job its 4 hours a week and i dont make shit but its the only thing i have and if im alive i need it... i feel like thi tingling type feeling all over and its driving me nuts and my friends want to help but cant understand me so they just get frustrated they cant help and stop talkin to me and i know they care but it still hurts having no1. so i decided id control it and isolated myself from them, its not fair

PLEASE DONT KILL YOURSELF.there are so many people that love and support you, even if you dont realize it. ive been a bit suicidal too, you are not alone.feel free to talk to me anytime.im here for you.

sorry but i failed... i cut

Don't consider yourself as failing but rather a set back. Have you tried finding a non-profit couneling clinic? Where I'm from there is one here they run on donations from the community and from fees that are paid by people that can afford it but they don't charge unless you fall above a certain income level. As far medications go i've taken sooo many different ones and i can honestly say the good feeling from them is only temporary. Try meditation, concentrating on your breathing, music, etc. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you feel better. If you ever need to talk please e-mail me. and remember nothing is worth killing yourself over, life will get better. take care

Something that I can say as a fellow survivor with PTSD is that meds always "just help a little." PTSD is more of a disorder in which you need to work on healing the mental scars, and something that pharmaceuticals cannot just cover up. Attending intense therapy along with your meds could help you a lot, and have helped many. But just doing one usually doesnt help.

I am already thinking of how hypocritical it is for me to be telling you this seeing as I am not really on meds for my PTSD and am not in therapy, but I have been taking thoughtful steps to healing.

I know insurance and money can be a huge issue, its the issue Im having right now trying to find a doctor. Keep trying. Dont give up!

there are clinics that charge on a sliding scale but never free the cheapest is 30 each visit plus meds are 4 each if they pick one on the discount list... and i was going to the womens crisis center cuz it was free but they lost the funding and she wants to transfer me to another therapist and i dont want to i trust her and shes the only one i ever actually opened up to and it feels like shes abandoning me all over again like all my family did when i told and its too painful so im not going back to her for our last sessions and im never going to anyone else. all anyone has talked about is HIM how He has a good job He found the right girl HE got her a great ring HE is such a GOOD man HE is buying a house HE is becoming such a success I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT ALL OF THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP HE IS NOT A GOOD GUY HE IS A RAPIST HE IS NOT A SUCCESS HES A REJECT THAT MANIPULATES PEOPLE HES NOT A FUCKIN ANGEL AND IM NOT THE DEVIL I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS HURT, I WAS THE ONE WHO'S INNOCENCE WAS STOLEN AND YOU DONT CARE NONE OF YOU... YOU YELL AT ME FOR NOT WANTING TO SEE HIM TELL ME TO PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST OR STOP LYING BUT IM NOT LYING. im really not why would i what did i have to gain? i didnt press charges so what did i want attention o yeah let me tell you i pushed everyone out of my life. i never wanted to tell and never should have. i attacked my arm again today i hoped it would bleed forever but it stopped :( I want to be with Jason no one understands why i still idolize him but he was so strong he protected me and taught me so much and told me if i let my puppy lick my skinned knee it would take the pain away and i believed him so much that it did. he was the one person in the family i believe with all my heart would know i was not lying... he would see right through HIS disquise. just because he hung himself dont change that it makes me idolize him more. he was stronger than i have been its not fair that he left me the year it started not fair he wasnt able to help me. i wish i was with him burried in a casket below his so he is there to keep me safe. but the blood stopped jason im sorry i failed you i love you cuz you were the best big brother i never got to have and ill see you as soon as i can so save your hugs up for me even if its hot where we go as long as you are there to make me feel safe ill endure the hottest of the hot flames. i cannot wait help me see you soon

i know it hurts but don't kill yourself it will take time to heal yourself try and talk to your friends again and remember the good times you have with your friends

Crimson Tears, I must say I have been there and still am to a point. I no longer cut or have suicidal tendencies, but I know how hard it can be to feel so alone in your world. Cutting gives a sense of relief from the "inner" pain and almost gives a short of high, and having control over yourself, to a point. I can tell you that with PTS it will be a long, hard road to overcome, but it is one that you must overcome. Your brother does not want you to be where he is, I can assure you on this. He wants you to be happy fulfilled and full of life! He wants most of all, for you to love yourself. I know this also is so very very hard to do when you feel as though no other does. To get over what you are feeling you must come out of your box and open your arms out to the world. You HAVE TO let people in, let yourself be heard!..You have every right to turn this man in for what he did, but I completely understand if you dont. Though it sounds to me that the more he is seen as "a great guy" the more this hurts you even more, and maybe given what happened to you, needs justice. Its such a touchy subject for Im sure you are afraid some wont believe you, but what is most important is that you believe in yourself. Believe that you are worth the truth and stand behind your word. My whole immediate family no longer speaks to me due to the fact of my accusations of my step father sexually abusing me while I was a child. This hurts me tremendously, but in no way will I rebut my accusations just because "they" dont want to believe it. Unfortunately sweetie, some of us in this world have it so much harder than others, but there is a reason. You must try and understand this. I today am so much strong than I was when I was younger and dealing with this. I see what these traumas did for me and my soul. I know of no one who has what I have in regards to inner strength, the will to overcome. I know of course there are plenty out there, but for me I have yet to meet any. This in turn makes me incredibly proud of who and what I am. Now Im not saying life is peaches and roses for me, I always have something from my past that creeps up on me and tries to mess with my head. But now, instead of thinking of suicide, cutting, drinking etc. I work things out. I seek help. Just as Ive done today by being here, and I think thats exactly why you are here too. You dont want to die, you just want someone to understand. If you'd like to add me as a friend, please do. Id like nothing more than to be there for you....Take care of yourself, and please stop cutting. Its just as addictive as heroin abuse. Life is there for us to take and build upon it. Look into college, I am now in college and I get to go to therapy sessions for free, on top of it Im taking psychology classes to help me learn and understand the way we work and think in life. Its helped me more than I can ever explain. Knowledge is power and once you learn your trigger and how to control your thoughts and emotions, you will be a much more happier and fulfilled person...Hang in there, and keep reaching out..Its the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
Hugs to you....