Had to agree, all these stories really help. I tried to add my photo today but I don't see it yet. Trying to come out of lurking myself I suppose. Anyway, yes, I get it. After dealing with this for years I'm coming to the conclusion that there is no miracle cure in a pill or bottle. To make it more difficult, the cure is different for each person. The only answer I know of is to experiment by reading different books, downloading different apps that deal with your condition, and trying different medications. Action will lead you to the answer. Personally I would rather stay in bed all day, but that is not the answer. If it were, we'd all be well by now. :)

Reading your post, I have a feeling that maybe being happy triggers you in some way? Like maybe there was a time in your past when you were happy and what followed was unbearable. And some part of you believes that the sequence is going to be the same this time.

I think that we all move forward and backward in our healing, but I believe that even though we will never attain total and unwavering happiness, we WILL attain a strength and stability that will protect us from the depths of despair that possessed us before we began to heal.

I hope you are in therapy or counseling. You need to discuss this with someone, for your own understanding and protection. Please stay alive and go on to have many, many years of happiness, even if it is mixed with some down times. If you die, you will miss out on both.

The thing that keeps me from suicide (based on beliefs that, obviously, others may not share) is the idea of finding out I came here to heal from this stuff and if I leave the job half-done I will have to come back and go through it all again. Oh no! Anything but that!

You climbed out of feeling horrible one time, so it will be EASIER the next time you have to climb back up.
Now you have a roadmap of how to do it, you have proven you can do it.
...I second what DW is guessing? I also throw in my own guess-do you maybe feel inappropriate guilt for feeling good?

I've dealt with suicidal tendencies in my teen years and recently was depressed enough to that point after coming forward to the detective in my home town. My therapist is having me work on feeling and being present in my body. apparently I don't even know what happiness real happiness feels like. I have times where I feel numb and actually got a tattoo without much pain.

paulec,

You probably already know that happiness is not something you can hang on to, but something you choose.

When you said, "...this is as good as it gets," it made me wonder how you knew. I think you're going to have to stick around to find out how far you can go in happiness.

Don't try to hang on to your happiness because doing that eats up a lot of psychic energy, IMO. Instead, I would suggest doing what WVguy wrote, experiment with SAFE ways to continue to heal.

"Sliding backwards" is part of healing since healing doesn't happen in a straight line. Rather, as donnawanda said,"...we move forward and backward in our healing.
"
However, I don't think we move back to the same spot we were in before. I experience it more as a spiral movement. We may be dealing with the same issue, but now its moved up a notch. It's kind of a refined learning or a deeper learning.

If your own happiness is creating suicidal thoughts then...oh, it just occurred to me--I wonder if some part of you feels undeserving of happiness--so much so that you deserve to die instead???

May be worth investigating with a trained therapist. EMD-R might bring up subconscious thoughts to help you work through this.

And, I hope you chose to work thru this rather than cut your life short for in doing that you will, no doubt, hand the "Your the Winner" trophy over to your stepfather.

SuzA