Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I guess I don't know where to start. I feel like my head is spinning trying to process everything that's happened so far. I was raped and molested by my uncle when I was 12.
I was staying at my grandma's house so I could go to church with her in the morning. My uncle lived with her at the time. It was about midnight or so, grandma was asleep, and I was almost asleep in the living room. My uncle came downstairs and saw that I was still awake. He told me he had a present for me up in his room and to come up to his room to get it. Now I know this sounds stupid but I was 12, and it was 2 weeks before my birthday, plus he was always buying me presents, so I thought what the heck I want a present.
As I followed him upstairs I got an eerie feeling. I just ignored it and went to his room. He searched in his closet for my present and then gave me two little dragon statues. I told him thanks and went to leave, when he grabbed me. He had one hand around my waist and the other over my mouth. And he told me if I screamed that he would hurt grandma, do i didn't scream.
He pushed me on the bed and got on top of me. He had his hands holding down my wrists so I couldn't move. I was confused, I didn't know what was happening. At first it was just kisses. He kissed my lips and neck. Then he lifted my shirt and bra and squeezed my breasts and kissed down my chest. Then he kissed down my stomach. I tried to get up multiple times but I was too weak to get away. I told him to stop but he didn't care. Then he pulled down my pajamas and he put his tongue inside of me. Then he unzipped his jeans. He raped me. I was crying and begging him to stop. I didn't know what to do. The harder I fought the more he made it hurt so I stopped fighting. I just let him do it.
When he was done he got off of me. I fixed my pajamas and ran downstairs. I sat in the living room, cuddled with my blanket and cried. About ten or fifteen minutes later he came downstairs and handed me the dragon statues I'd forgotten upstairs. He had some kind of lotion or cream in his hand and he put it on his hands. Then he held me down and put his hand down my pants and rubbed it on me. Whatever it was it burned and I told him to stop. He said that he could stop the burning and he knelt down and licked the lotion off of me. Then he went back upstairs.
I was afraid he'd hurt my family if I told anyone so I kept it a secret. He molested me multiple times after that. I was forced to sleep in grandma's room on the floor just so he wouldn't have a chance to hurt me. No matter where I was or who I was with he always managed to get me alone. He could always get to me. For my birthday, two weeks later he gave me a bigger dragon statue. He said it was to remind me of that night. Eventually I told him that I'd tell my dad if he didn't stop. And to my relief he was scared of my dad and he took off. I haven't seen him since.
I spent over 5 years carrying this secret by myself. It ruined part of my childhood. I've had nightmares and flashbacks ever since. I never feel safe and I feel stuck. And for a time I was even suicidal. Finally I just couldn't take it no more and I reached out to my youth group leader on April 6, 2017. She convinced me to tell my parents the next day. Now a handful of my family knows and even my pastor. My parents and I gave statements to the police, who are working on tracking his credit card withdraws. I've been seeing a counselor and been talking to my pastor weekly.
My family's been a great support system and they're really worried about me. I know they're there for me and want to help me, but I find it difficult to be open with them because I don't want to drag them into all my problems and be a burden. I don't want them to worry about me. I'm getting help and I like my counselor, but I still feel stuck. I can't stop thinking about it and having flashbacks during the day, and at night I'm terrorised by nightmares. I struggle with blaming myself and missing the red flags. I know its been 5 years, but i just cant let it go. I just needed to share, and if you read till the end, thanks.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I think all abused people, especially kids, blame themselves. I will say that a 12 year old is not supposed to be able to interpret red flags by her uncle. She or he is supposed to be able to trust the adults in her life to keep her safe.
Here is a website about managing flashbacks in case it's helpful:
https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/revision-of-walkers-13-steps-of-flashback-management.58697/
I am very happy that your family is supportive and that you have a counselor and pastor to talk to about what happened. Please do not exclude your parents in your healing process. They love you and care about you - and they don't need protecting from what happened to you. I have yet to meet a survivor who feels their parents can handle the truth about what happened to them but please trust that they can. I promise you that they don't feel like you are dragging them into your problems.
Flashbacks are very difficult. I had them too. I found that the more I allowed myself to feel my feelings the fewer flashbacks I had. But this takes time. When your uncle would hurt you you felt many feelings including fear, confusion and hurt but he told you not to express them. Since it was not safe to express them you kept them inside. Over the next several years you lived in fear of another attack and of telling others what had happened and you had to keep all those feelings inside. And very likely you had to put on a happy face for everyone on the outside. All those feelings are still within you and need to be released. As you go through counseling and talk about what happened you will be able to feel and process these feelings - freeing them from within you and healing you. As you do this the flashbacks will stop because as you feel and release you will also remember more. This all takes time though so don't give up on it. I think everyone going through the healing process wishes it would happen faster but the truth is, what happened to you happened over the course of several years so it may take a few years for you to heal from it. Trust your process, be kind and gentle with yourself and be patient if you can. ((hugs))
Like others, I am glad your family is supporting you and you are dealing with this properly.
Just want to leave a word of caution when evaluating all actions.
1st. What happened was not your fault.
2nd. The right and reasonable thing to do is to trust your family members -THEN- and Now!
3rd. It was kind and brave of you as a child to be protective of your grandma.
4th. Though you can't undo past events, You are changing the course of future events in your life!
5th. Now that HELP is in it's process: Feel proud of your braveness as a child, your strength as a developing teen coping with this in isolation, and feel proud of your mature thinking for making the right decision and talking to the right persons.
6th. We all here appreciated your sharing for multiple reasons; You are helping many others!
7th. You dealt with this yourself for 5 years and survived. Change is on its way; please be patient.
8th. It is great that you're talking to a counselor and your pastor; they can help your parents as well.
9th. Your uncle did wrong but he is not the enemy, he is another victim. God is GOOD! Please understand in how many ways the enemy seek to destroy the children of God. . . in vain since he was defeated on the Cross.
10th. God’s love for this fallen world allow all sources of emotional and physical responses to help, review, protect, defend, avoid, prevent future damage in the natural.
11th. You made the decision to hold on to God’s supernatural Love and healing power and now a bright future is ahead of you in every area of your life; “Now God is writing!”
12th. Don’t forget there is just one more battle ahead; Forgiveness! Don’t let the enemy get away with it. Trust God and let Him be glorified through your love.
...Be blessed and start praying in a different way!!!
More than asking for God to help you, by faith start thanking God because He listened to your prayers! Thank God for the people He gather to help you. Thank God for the many people praying for you! Thank God for your councelor and for your pastor! Thank God for your family, their understanding and support. Thank God for giving you the strength and the determination you needed! Ask God for forgivness for those who sinned against you! Thank God for taking control of your life and for the great future that is ahead of you!