On 11/20/18 10:28 pm, notalone00 wrote:
Please I mean no harm with this question... just wondering is all

Do you think your orientation has anything to do with past abuse?

I know a couple of gay guys who say that being molested/raped at a young age shaped them to be gay..

One guy said that other guys were the only ones they felt comfortable around and trusted. The other one was abused by his mom and he no longer trust females, so that’s why he was more so with guys...

I asked that to someone on here, they got very upset with me, and yelled at me about that didn’t happen with them...  and how inappropriate the question was to ask.

My life otherwise is upside down...
my father in law has been in the hospital for over 2 weeks now from a stroke...and about a month ago, he went to the hospital due to gallbladder, but he wasn’t strong enough for surgery...

I’ve been having bad dreams and can’t shake the flashbacks...
I keep seeing me getting abused... sometimes being raped, or standing there watching and can’t do anything...
similar getting molested and rubbed...

Sigh.... guess I’ll stop... sorry to bother you...

******************* My Reply************My Reply*********************

*** you are not bothering me. I'm glad you responded to me. I think my intimate relationship with men I do think it has a lot to do with the sexual molestation by my uncles. I might be reliving/acting out the experience to right what happen to me or some therapist believe victims relive the sexual experience to perfect it/complete it. There is definitely something isn't finish with me. My uncles molested me when I was 6 yo. That is an impressionable age. at five my father beat me, punched me in the eye, and caused me to go in a coma for 10 days. He terrified me. He probably caused me to always feel scared or took my confidents away from me. When I was 3 yo diagnosed with a rare disease, doctors had to put the fingers, tubes, and other surgical instruments up my rectum. That went on until the 3rd grade, very often. That is a lot of stress for a child. I'm sure I have acquired some bad habits. I don't participate in gay activities. I don't have any gay friends. I have no interest in going to gay clubs. It might be safer if I did. Where I live a lot of black men are DL/mess around with the same sex. Married men. Men approach me. I have issues with boundaries. I don't know how to say no and mean it. I'm probably still looking for a father figure. I don't think I'm promiscuous. Well I won't have sex with different men at the same time. I will meet a guy and try to keep it consistent with one guy. I'm not interested in gay guys. I'm attracted to men who remind me of my uncle. I'm only interested in sex. Being dominated. After the organism I want to leave. After awhile or several occasions I feel guilty and want them to leave alone. I'm turned on by the secrecy. I like when they come over late at night or early in the morning. I'm messing around with someone now that is my type. He is very taken by my passion in bed. He calls me from work and comes over during breaks.  I think he has a girlfriend and maybe a child. I don't want to know. I think he is very comfortable with me. I'm comfortable with him. I like his aggression.

I can't believe I am telling you all this but I'm glad I am. Seeing what I write helps me process this. Letting this out helps. I may figure out a way to change this. I like being around woman. I like being a gentlemen. I don't have sex with woman b/c I don't think I am worthy, no confidence, and it's been a very long time when I had sex with a woman - so performance issue is something I am nervous about. Woman approach me and try to get to know me and ask me out. I run away from the opportunity. I get crazy nervous and panic.

That's all I have to say right now. I'm in a café late and should be heading home. I'm sorry about your father in law. I hope he feels better. I hope your family are doing well. I hope you are doing well. I'm glad you replied to me.

Happy Thanksgiving.