Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Child Sexual Abuse: 6 Stages of Grooming
Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming. Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual molestation.
By Dr. Michael Welner
Adult and child sitting on windowsill
Photo: Jupiterimages/Thinkstock
the grooming sex offender works to separate the victim from peers, typically by engendering in the child a sense that they are special to the child and giving a kind of love to the child that the child needs.
Different law enforcement officers and academics have proposed models of the "stages" of grooming. Since there are a variety of these models, it's best to think of the grooming by sex offenders as a gradual, calculated process that ensnares children into a world in which they are ultimately a willing part of the sex abuse.
Stage 1: Targeting the victim
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child's vulnerabilityemotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
Stage 2: Gaining the victim's trust
The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention. Only more awkward and overly personal attention, or a gooey intrusiveness, provokes the suspicion of parents. Otherwise, a more suave sex offender is better disciplined for how to push and poke, without revealing themselves. Think of the grooming sex offender on the prowl as akin to a spyand just as stealth.
Stage 3: Filling a need
Once the sex offender begins to fill the child's needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child's life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be accountable for that adult
Stage 4: Isolating the child
The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation.
A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship.
Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the adult exploits a child's natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of the relationship.
When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms.
Stage 6: Maintaining control
Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child's continued participation and silenceparticularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.
Children in these entangled relationshipsand at this point they are entangledconfront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship, whether it be the dirt bikes the child gets to ride, the coaching one receives, special outings or other gifts. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted.
Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner has worked on some of the most sensitive cases in America in recent years, from Andrea Yates to the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart. He is the lead researcher of an evidence-based measure to standardize the worst of crimes at DepravityScale.org. Dr. Welner is an associate professor of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine and is chairman of The Forensic Panel.
More about sexual abuse
How one family's copes with molestation
Oprah explains how molesters groom children Watch
How far would you go to protect your child?
PAGE
Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming. Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual molestation.
By Dr. Michael Welner
Adult and child sitting on windowsill
Photo: Jupiterimages/Thinkstock
the grooming sex offender works to separate the victim from peers, typically by engendering in the child a sense that they are special to the child and giving a kind of love to the child that the child needs.
Different law enforcement officers and academics have proposed models of the "stages" of grooming. Since there are a variety of these models, it's best to think of the grooming by sex offenders as a gradual, calculated process that ensnares children into a world in which they are ultimately a willing part of the sex abuse.
Stage 1: Targeting the victim
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child's vulnerabilityemotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
Stage 2: Gaining the victim's trust
The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention. Only more awkward and overly personal attention, or a gooey intrusiveness, provokes the suspicion of parents. Otherwise, a more suave sex offender is better disciplined for how to push and poke, without revealing themselves. Think of the grooming sex offender on the prowl as akin to a spyand just as stealth.
Stage 3: Filling a need
Once the sex offender begins to fill the child's needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child's life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be accountable for that adult
Stage 4: Isolating the child
The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation.
A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship.
Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the adult exploits a child's natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of the relationship.
When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms.
Stage 6: Maintaining control
Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child's continued participation and silenceparticularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.
Children in these entangled relationshipsand at this point they are entangledconfront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship, whether it be the dirt bikes the child gets to ride, the coaching one receives, special outings or other gifts. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted.
Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner has worked on some of the most sensitive cases in America in recent years, from Andrea Yates to the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart. He is the lead researcher of an evidence-based measure to standardize the worst of crimes at DepravityScale.org. Dr. Welner is an associate professor of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine and is chairman of The Forensic Panel.
More about sexual abuse
How one family's copes with molestation
Oprah explains how molesters groom children Watch
How far would you go to protect your child?
PAGE
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Stage 5 was very different for me. There was no gradual "seduction". It was very aggressive and somewhat violent.
I was held captive and repeatedly assaulted when I was 12 - it was terrifying and the captivity itself was just as bad or worse than the abuse itself. It was an extreme version of step 6 that took away my will to escape; I was locked up for the first week or so, but after that I probably could have left, but didn't..
I was then assaulted by several others right after I was released by those guys - for me most of it was very negative.
For boys that are assaulted (in a violent negative scary manner) instead of being groomed (what starts out as a positive experience), are they less likely to repeat the abuse later in life?
Quoted from above: "the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting".
My abusers didn't shape my preferences, they didn't make anything about it exciting; do anyone whose childhood abuse was like mine turn from victim-to-victimiser anyway? Was it really the violence I endured and the lack of anything positive that spared me from that fate, or is there no correlation between the two?
Perhaps Autism was a factor for me, my perception of what happened and my reaction to it may have been different due to my neurology?
Clearly not everyone gets "groomed" first. And I tend to think that in cases of incest it's less necessary since there's often no one to turn to so less need for care on the part of the abuser.
As far as why some become abusers and others don't, my own idea is that it has to do with empathy. Those who have known kindness from any source are less likely to become abusers because they have the ability to empathize with sufferers and the capacity for tenderness towards the weak. Those who have been treated without kindness and empathy don't learn it and don't feel it towards themselves or their victims - thus it's easier for them to become abusers. This could be why more abusers are men since they are less likely to experience kindness and gentleness in childhood.
I should have read that closer. i didn't notice the "shape the child's sexual preference" part. I don't agree with that at all. I think he is way off base there.
Interesting that you mention empathy, I have heard too many people say that I have no empathy due to being autistic. It is commonly believed that autistic people have no empathy, and although we may appear that way, it is far from true.
The truth of the matter is that I am extremely empathetic towards others when I have personally experienced what the other person is dealing with: Since I was abused, I have overwhelmingly strong empathy for others who were abused. Since I never lost a sibling, I have "difficulty" being sympathetic towards others who lost a sibling (because I do not understand how that situation feels and I have difficulty understanding other peoples feelings just by being around them).
I am overwhelmed with emotion when I hear about others that went thru abuse that was similar to mine (situations where I experienced the same feelings), I couldn't possibly hurt someone in the same way I was hurt. However, dont abusers convince themselves that they aren't hurting us, or that "we liked it"; so they aren't affected by empathy in that regard? How can they feel bad if they believe that I wanted them to do it, or that I liked it?
rich