I struggle daily with this same feeling. I feel, different, disconnected and like an outsider yet I seem fine. So,I had a conversation with a very wise friend of mine about how when I smile and act like a "normal" person I felt like I was faking or imitating what I thought a normal person should be.

She told me that sometimes faking it is the only way to learn. So I should consider my fake smile practice for when I feel the real one! I laughed but it still helps me feel that it is okay to fake it because I am learning and hopefully will some day feel it.

Chin Up!

Star...ever heard of that saying I wish I knew then what I know now? I don't know how old you are but I spent years of my life being angry, bitter, resentful and I took it out on those in my life, including my abusers and I most certainly took it out on myself in various forms. It's justified but it can burn up so many years of our lives...it sure did for me.

Everyones' journey in dealing with this is so unique it's not like I can tell you what you should do or how to stop feeling what you are feeling, but I can tell you what I wish I had of done because I firmy believe it would have impacted my lifes course greatly.

With my first suicide attempt, it was really the first time I spoke out loud to a professional about what happened when I was a child. I wish I had of continued working on my recovery when it was offered up. I did for a little bit but I just couldn't or wouldn't deal with it at the time. Instead, I continued on the path of drug abuse, alcoholism, food abuse, self-injury and fing up more relationships than I care to count. This went on with pretty much the same pattern up until this year. I am now 41. I have spent the majority of my life in a place of either fighting my demons, ignoring them, numbing them, or just letting them run my life.

I am now older, a little bit wiser, still hurting, back on day 2 of sobriety, wanting to heal, wishing I had of stuck with my recovery in my mid 20's and not burned through so many years to end up where I am not, but much further along. I guess what I am trying to say is I would do things differently and not let the years fly by and still living in that world of hurt and bitterness and pain. I know, it's easy to say that now...but I wish I was strong enough back then to really deal and not continue the cycle of abuse which I ended up perpetuating on myself, by myself.

I still am struggling with finding complete strength to deal, but I have a great desire for it on most days. I wish that for anyone who has been abused and is looking for a way to work on healing from it. Take care.


And CT - I heard a quote recently:

"The only people who are normal are the ones you don't know very well." ~ Joe Ancis

Thanks for your replys I am 33 and the thought of telling someone of my dirty little secret felels me with dread that is one reason I am so upset and angry because I told my parents what there so called friend was doing to me and they both told me not to tell lies about there friend so it carried on for about another year so instead of the abuse stopping when I was 14 I went though hell for an extra year until my abuser moved away which I can never forgive me parents for. I wish getting bullied at school my dad was using me a punching bag and of course his friend was abusing me so I could never get away from abuse when i was growing up

I meant to say I was getting bullied at school my dad was using me as a punching bag and to top off his friend was sexaully abusing me so really I didn't really enjoy my childhood

Star...Regardless of what others think, you know the truth of what happened. I'm truly sorry your parents said that to you. That's a whole other level of hurt and re-victimiazation. But given what your Dad did to you it does not surprise me that you were called a "liar."

Have you ever tried counseling? I have found it to be a safe, non-judgemental setting in order to try to deal and work through my abuse. Take care.