Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I didn't realize how bad he was abused as a child!
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
Posted on 08/24/12, 11:07 pm
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
Posted on 08/24/12, 11:07 pm
Be gentle with him and find out what he likes. See if there are things he can do for you when you are in your hypo mode (i.e. oral, etc.) He may be able to meet your needs as well as work through his issues to become more intimate.
Sexual abuse sucks. I am just now beginning to recognize how it has shaped my behaviors. I am thankful that I have such a wonderful Wife who has always been there for me even when I was emotionally not there for her. I wish you luck and hope my story can help.
Myself as a recovering sex addict what a pair we make. But now he is the only man I want! I need to learn that there is more ways to express love than sex!
The making up after the fight was good he made sure I got mine orally like took care of him the night before.
Next month when I go visit I really see things going differently. With me understanding his needs and him understanding mine.
Thank you again!