Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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SA is causing me pain but i dont want to deal wit

getnbedr
getnbedr
I am not happy, and i feel trapped. i was not happy at my job, so i changed that. I think it was for the better. I am also not happy where i live, and havent been for a while. There is too much crime here. So i am grappling with the idea of moving. But i also suspect i am not happy within myself. Not sure if not being happy with my job/home caused me to become depressed or, not happy within myself causes me to be dissatisfied with everything else. {Which came first the chicken or the egg?} I have been acting out with food and sex. The thought of not doing those seems impossible. Yeah, i know, i am powerless. Maybe my problem is i dont believe a power greater then myself will/can save me. I do question Gods existance. I am embarrased to admit that, after 8 years, but its true. I worked the steps twice, but stopped on 11 the 2nd time around. i struggle with discipline, and keeping up with 10 and 11, until i finally just gave up on them. I think (know) they would help, but i resist things that are good for me. I think i might be punishing myself, but i am not sure. Perhaps for being "bad" for sexually acting out(SAO). SAO puts a wall up between me and my higher power, and yet i dont want to stop. I think i SAO to avoid my abuse issues, which i REALLY STRUGGLE with. Was i sexually abused? did it really happen? I blocked it all out. Some say its good i dont remember, but i think it makes it more difficult for me. I know, i know... just deal with the feelings. Unfortunatley, its easier to act out and medicate the feelings (at least in the short term it is easier) but then i have to face the long term consequences of feeling alone/depressed/hurt/vulnerable from acting out. Which is what i am trying to medicate in the first place. OMG, how nutz!!! Its a crazy cycle. I bring on more of what i am trying to run away from. INSANITY! lol i know i deserve better, but... i am affraid to face it.
getnbedr
getnbedr
oh... and my father is coming down to visit me this week. We have never discussed the abuse. I dont want to see him. I just keep up a front,cause i dont want to admit it happened, AND i want my inheritance. That sounds so superficial, but he has close to a million dollars, and i live paycheck to paycheck, and cant pay my bills. As soon as i thnk about him coming i want to SAO.
motherduck
motherduck
Hello super normal one. You are totally normal and reacting normally to what has happened to you. that's not to say I'm decreasing the validity of what has happened to you, I'm just saying that what you are doing is a normal thing. Next, although it is normal, it is not healthy and it isn't recovery nor is it helping you at all. It's simply prolonging the "help" process. So let's back up to the beginning of a new step one...first things is you must accept was has happened to you and recognize that it was indeed, infact abuse. Also, that abuse is not in any way your fault. accepting this is so much easier said than done, but this is step one. Can you do that? Then you must move on to step two, which is being ready for some counseling or therapy as professional help is a must. I don't believe anyone can deal with this alone or without professional help. there are safe places to go to for that help too. I'm here if you ever want to chat I log on twice daily, love, mother duck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Is your father your abuser?

I struggled with "did it really happen?", too. I had blocked everything until I was 27. How could I not remember something so horrible that happened so often? But I came to realize that I was getting better by working on the issues. If they weren't real, I wouldn't be getting better. It takes a lot of work and courage to face the demon of sexual abuse. But you can do it. Ignoring your feelings by acting out and medicating is like ignoring a noise in your car's engine. If you ignore it, it'll just get worse. Recovery is possible. You can have a better life. You don't have to feel like this forever. Keep fighting. And be gentle with yourself. )))HUG)))
getnbedr
getnbedr
I still dont remember it (SA). i blocked out all the physical abuse too. i blocked everything. i only remember right before and right after not during. but if i cant remember it(SA), how can i accept that it happened. maybe it didnt? maybe its inmy head?
deleted_user
deleted_user
When things have happened to us it is hard to see God sometiimes. I believe that there is an emptiness in people, especially those who have been abused. We go through life trying to fill that void some with drugs, some with pleasures(sexual or not), ect. I did that for years. The truth is that those things can't fill that void totally. They are temporary. Only God can fill that void permanantly. It says in the Bible that sin seperates us from God. God doesn't leave, but we have a free will to do what we want. With that free will we sometimes cause us a lot of pain or put ourselve in a position where others can hurt us. Our abuse is not our fault, but there is freedom in knowing and obeying God.