Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I don't always walk away when I should. I have amazing "hold on" power but often for the wrong things and people. The ability to hold on and push through when things get difficult has served me well professionally. When I employ this gift in a personal situation I often end up being dragged down a rut filled path, bumping my head all the way.
I used to self harm, physically. Not to the extent that some do. I only needed stitches once. I wonder if this refusal to walk away is psychological self abuse. I seem drawn to irreparable situations and people. Drawn to the ones who stand in one place screaming angry words because they can't see. They stand in the dark pointing a penlight at one spot and refuse to illuminate anything more.
I am like a moth to that light; not the sense to know that it isn't a real flame and flapping my wings will not make it any brighter.
If only I used half of that passion, caring and patience with myself......
I used to self harm, physically. Not to the extent that some do. I only needed stitches once. I wonder if this refusal to walk away is psychological self abuse. I seem drawn to irreparable situations and people. Drawn to the ones who stand in one place screaming angry words because they can't see. They stand in the dark pointing a penlight at one spot and refuse to illuminate anything more.
I am like a moth to that light; not the sense to know that it isn't a real flame and flapping my wings will not make it any brighter.
If only I used half of that passion, caring and patience with myself......
So there is one of your goals. To be able to resist the pen light and to walk away when needed. So, how do we get you there, kiddo? That seems to be the question.
I recently posted a similar attraction to men who are flawed - and then think " they just need to be loved" when love is really not the thing they need - they need sobriety, or to be less passive, or less aggressive, - regardless of the flaw I was "thinking out loud" on the board about this and a very wise person said that they thought that it was because we see ourselves as flawed and thus deserving of others who are also flawed. That we do not see ourselves of "deserving" good partners or relationships, as we are still viewing ourselves as damaged and in need - that really helped me see that perhaps this was my issues - it really is not so much now, as my partner has been sober for some time, but I was initially attracted to him, I think, because I perceived the weakness that he had.
Possible? I can look back over my past relationships and this certainly was an option I had not seen. So maybe it a matter of the "cart before the horse" situation - until you can love yourself totally, see your self as whole, you may not be interested in others that are whole or "stable".
Something to think of as you chug the java -
Hope this shed some good light on the subject and you can be attracted to that!!
Refuse2quit
I hope you find your boundaries.
Take care
I too, have amazing "hold on" power in relationships. I think my 'hold on' power is grounded in denial however or wishful thinking, or just plain blindness to life.
I'm talking about my long-term relationship with my husband that has finally ended.
It's hard for me to describe this relationship, in fact the only way I ever described it was "weird" because while it was not a marriage, it was deeper than friendship.
I think I need to sit down and write about this because it was a relationship that looked okay from the outside but had me dying on the inside. There was no overt fighting or disagreements. Everything was undercover--the worst kind of environment to raise a child, IMO.
It was a confusing relationship to me because on one hand we laughed a lot yet were seldom ever intimate--physically or emotionally.
I think, if I'm being honest, it was a relationship that was "safe", but the cost of that safety was great for it gave me little in return. There were no demands either for sex or emotional connection.
Now, I want more. I want emotional connection and meaningful sex. That scares him. I understand that fear for I once experienced it when a man I was dating said the same thing--he said he wanted to share deeply with his partner. That terrified me. Then, I had no memory of the abuse but my body knew. And it knew that the kind of sharing this man wanted was not possible for me...then.
Now, it is. I know what I want and am not willing to settle. If I find it I'm glad. If I don't--I'll always have me.
My coffee is cold. LOL. Thanks for this opportunity to express myself and to connect with you. And yes, I agree with you that your refusal to walk away may well be psychological self abuse and also, I believe, is a reflection of your belief system.
What is it you believe about yourself in terms of being in a healthy, loving relationship?
xx
SuzA
I am terrified of a "real" relationship. Not once in my life have I had a relationship that included emotional AND sexual intimacy. I am very good at sex and very bad at the other stuff. I hate feeling vulnerable. It is the main reason I went back into therapy. To learn how to be vulnerable with a man. I'm hoping I'm not too old to learn new things :-)
You're not too old. And healing only ask that we be willing--we don't have to want to, we just have to be willing. And obviously you are or you would not have returned to therapy.
xx
SuzA