Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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Repression?

dreamergrl29
dreamergrl29
I do know that when I was 8 I had an "experience with my younger female cousin (I am also female) where she said that if I didn't do certain things with her, she wouldn't be my friend (which scared me because I had already lost 3 best friends at that point). I didn't want to do it, I thought it was wrong and my parents would hate me and be disgusted, but i did it because I was scared of being left. I don't know what to call this, but I feel ashamed of it either way.

The other night though, I woke up and smelled something that was like a certain perfume that I remembered. My stomach got sick, and I was really scared. Then I started hearing words that someone had said. I remembered a certain event where I had been "discovering" my body (I'm sorry, it's gross) on a couch we had at that time. My babysitter caught me (female), and then I don't remember what happened. We got rid of the couch because I had so many accidents on it. It was only that couch though.

I'm worried I could be making this up. I don't want to lie. What is this? Am I crazy? I've wanted something to justify my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, and self harm for a long time (I just want to understand why I deal with so many of these things). So I don't know what to think. I told my therapist (who's never talked about sexual abuse with me) but I never want anyone else to find out. I just don't think that the babysitter would have done something like that. I don't know. I'm really comfused. How do i know what's real anymore.
Miek0
Miek0
It sounds like you're dealing with PTSD. That comes with a range of flashbacks of events that you didn't even know happened. You didn't know they happened because your mind repressed them in order to protect you. I know the trend seems to be that if you were sexually abused when you were younger the PTSD kicks in during your 20's. You're not crazy, you're just going through a very mentally exhausting and emotional time right now. You're going to have to take it easy for a while, learning that you were sexually abused is not something you can get over in a day. It's good thing you have a therapist already. Make sure you include her (that is, if you're comfortable) in with your flashbacks and memories and what you go through everyday. PTSD is probably why you've been hard on yourself for long, you just didn't know.

And about the abuse, eventually you'll come to a realization that "yes, this happened to me."
I was raped by my female babysitter when I was 5. These things happen to people, I'm a prime example.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know what you are going through. The flashbacks make you think it isn't real. I had ahard time dealing with them. Still do. When I began therapy, I started pushing open doors in my mind. Discovered why I wasn't able to remember that stuff and wish I could close the door and forget about it. Thing is our brain doesn't ever let it go. We have reactions in one way or another. If you are seeing things and feeling things, they are real, sorry to say. You have to keep going and push the doors open and deal with this stuff. Just go slowly though. I pushed to fast and became suicidal. I am glad I am dealing with it, I need to get the emotions more under control, just needed to slow down. You are not crazy. When, I first say what had been done to be I couldn't believe it either. I saw my Grandfather raping me. This is what is affecting me the most. And every time I write it or say it, I get different reactions. So, know you are not alone. Keep talking and writing about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Repression only creates the "volcano effect" because eventually it's going to come out emotionally or physically - I had similar problems during the 1970's and '80s, and repressing the endless flashbacks only seemed to create anger and anxiety. Once I started going for counseling in the late 1980's the repressed feelings lessened - as long as I was getting those repressed feelings and memories off my chest. At this point in my life what's done is done and now realize my earlier anger against my Mom was unfair (she wasn't to blame but I always managed to blame her for what happened), and understand in some way why my Dad did what he did - though the scars will stay until my life is over, I'm afraid. The Bible talks about "those who are incapable of marriage because they were made that way by others", and I've come to understand what Jesus meant by that - no doubt He was referring to people like ourselves, who's lives were ruined by the sinful actions of others...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm concerned that your therapist did not talk to you about sexual abuse after you shared your memories and feelings with her. I think it would really help you to talk about this with a professional.
dreamergrl29
dreamergrl29
Rosie, he actually did after I had brought it up for the first time, what I meant is that he hadn't asked or probed the idea of sexual abuse in the beginning (to make me "remember" it or anything). We're working on it a bit--i'm just still worried that I am making it up because it isn't clear, it's unbelievable, and now that it's come up, it's not always in my head or giving me nightmares and intense flashbacks like I'm reliving it (like PTSD). It seems really far fetched, yet if I think about it long enough (more than a minute) I get really overwhelmed and start to freak out. I don't know. I'm so confused.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you for clarifying. I'm like you in that I never had PTSD, but I still have extreme anxiety and other emotions when I remember my abuse. I also repressed the incident for many years until a random stimuli triggered me and all the memories came flooding back. After that is was many years until I told anyone what happened. (I told my mom at the time it was happening but she denied it was abuse.) The thing that has helped me the most is therapy. Hopefully you will be able to continue working on this with your therapist at a pace you can tolerate. Considering the memories you described and the feelings they cause in you, I highly doubt you are just making this up in your head. The things you describe are too similar to what other sexual abuse survivors experience. But consider this: Even if the abuse incident did not take place, you are still experiencing trauma. Wherever that trauma arises from, it is important you process it.
dreamergrl29
dreamergrl29
Thank you Rosie. That is really helpful, and sort of a relief--to know that, no matter what (if I always believe it or not), the feelings are valid. Thank you.