Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I just talked with my counselor this week about sexual abuse. I've been in therapy for years, but I've never addressed it because I don't have any recollection of it occurring, so I've invalidated it for a very long time but I know it happened. I can't explain how, but I can feel it. It's like how if you're talking, and you forget a word... It's there and you know it, but you just can't seem to reach it to say it. I know I was sexually abused in some way when I was really young, but I just can't bring it up in my brain, and it's extremely frustrating.
I remember, as a little kid, being so terrified of the dark. I do not think the amount of fear that I felt was normal. I wouldnt even call it fear it was dread. I know I was sexually abused, but I just cant seem to remember anything. My family says that when I was really young, I was extremely outgoing and talkative, but for no known reason, I became extremely introverted and shy. I also knew about things that I shouldnt have for my age. In second grade I had a boyfriend, and during walk and talk in gym class, I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me. I began masturbating at an extremely young age as well. Eventually I acted out things when I was about nine years old with another little girl. I've been told that it's normal to "experiment" like that, but the guilt is still there.
As I grew older, I began having debilitating panic attacks. Sometimes they got so bad, Id lie in bed for an hour screaming and crying into my pillow until I passed out. During those horrible panic attacks, my chest felt like it was caving in, and my body was being devoured by a black hole. My panic attacks now are much more controlled, as Ive learned how to deal with them, but Im still not quite sure what triggered those extreme ones.
I'm still scared of non-sexual touch. Some days are better than others, and if I feel comfortable, I can initiate it, but others touching me, bumping into me, hugging me... I just can't. It got so bad that I couldn't hug my parents at one point without having an anxiety attack.
I'm nineteen and used to wet the bed every single night until a few months ago.
I've had thirteen psychiatric admissions since I was fourteen for self-harm, suicidal ideations and attempts, and an eating disorder.
I AM JUST SO FRUSTRATED.
I'm angry that I can't just remember. I feel like I can't move past it and cope with it since I can't remember.
I remember, as a little kid, being so terrified of the dark. I do not think the amount of fear that I felt was normal. I wouldnt even call it fear it was dread. I know I was sexually abused, but I just cant seem to remember anything. My family says that when I was really young, I was extremely outgoing and talkative, but for no known reason, I became extremely introverted and shy. I also knew about things that I shouldnt have for my age. In second grade I had a boyfriend, and during walk and talk in gym class, I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me. I began masturbating at an extremely young age as well. Eventually I acted out things when I was about nine years old with another little girl. I've been told that it's normal to "experiment" like that, but the guilt is still there.
As I grew older, I began having debilitating panic attacks. Sometimes they got so bad, Id lie in bed for an hour screaming and crying into my pillow until I passed out. During those horrible panic attacks, my chest felt like it was caving in, and my body was being devoured by a black hole. My panic attacks now are much more controlled, as Ive learned how to deal with them, but Im still not quite sure what triggered those extreme ones.
I'm still scared of non-sexual touch. Some days are better than others, and if I feel comfortable, I can initiate it, but others touching me, bumping into me, hugging me... I just can't. It got so bad that I couldn't hug my parents at one point without having an anxiety attack.
I'm nineteen and used to wet the bed every single night until a few months ago.
I've had thirteen psychiatric admissions since I was fourteen for self-harm, suicidal ideations and attempts, and an eating disorder.
I AM JUST SO FRUSTRATED.
I'm angry that I can't just remember. I feel like I can't move past it and cope with it since I can't remember.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Even without memories, you can keep working on yourself. You can work on building your sense of self and your coping skills. You have to keep living in the meantime, and these things will improve the quality of your life, making you stronger and healthier. In fact, your mind is keeping you safe from memories that you might not be strong enough to bear right now, so if you really want the memories to come back, you have to do the work to make yourself strong enough to hold them. This is what I'm doing right now, and I know how frustrating it is, but everyone who has recovered memories assures me that whatever I'm suffering now will look like a walk in the park compared to the harrowing experience of having memories and flashbacks.
But you do have some inkling that it happened and that is a start. If you have not been talking about it with a therapist then you have just not been ready for the memories to return yet. But if you are now talking and ready to heal then the memories will return. Not all at once and likely they will return slowly but this is actually a good thing. If they came back too fast it would re-traumatize you instead of heal you.
I know it's hard but keep talking about it and trust that your memories will return when they are meant to return. I worked with my inner children and found this to be an excellent way for me to remember and learn to love myself. There are many techniques to healing from sexual abuse so I encourage you to talk with your therapist about them and try a few to see what works best for you.
You CAN remember and you CAN heal. You deserve to heal and go on to live a wonderful full life filled with happiness and joy.
Take care
Your body is telling you in almost every way it knows how that you were sexually abused:
terror-dread
personality change: outgoing and talkative to introvert & shy
sexual knowledge at young age
early masturbation
acting out
panic attacks
fear of non-sexual touch
bed wetting
self-harm, suicide ideation/attempts
eating disorder
Are you working with a therapist who is trained to work with survivors? Are you doing any kind of body work? According to Bessel van der Kolk, pioneer in the trauma field, "In order to overcome trauma, /we/ need help to get back in touch with /our/ body and /our/ Self.
Is your therapist trained to do EMDR work (Level II)? This particular treatment helps a segment of survivors. It brought up stuff for me; stuff that was hard for me to believe, but in spite of that it also gave me more information about my youngest years (crib to age 4) which then helped me see a more complete picture.
Cope with what you have before you--all your body information for it is definitely talking to you. And if you are not working with a therapist trained to work with survivors consider finding one.
And, it may be very helpful to educate yourself-- if you haven't already done that--on the impact of trauma on your body and life.
Count yourself fortunate to have been working on your healing at such a wonderfully young age--I buried my memories until I was 40; that's when my dad died and it finally felt safe enough to remember--though I must say I had no solid memories to work with--just a felt sense. The kind of "knowing" you described.
Trust yourself.
xx
SuzA