Hi,
Ive never really wanted to play that game with a partner. I did once have a fantasy like that that i wanted to act on but when my partner and i tried it, i wasnt into it.
I think when ppl play these games they need a code word or signal so that if someone doesnt like it then it is stopped.
Whats done is done and I hope you and your partner have made up and I hope she is able to accept your apology. Im not sure how bad is bad though.
As to overcoming these feelings if you dont have a willing partner, im not sure. perhaps therapy. Either that or dont act on the fantasy.
sorry i cant help more.

Please read the article called: "Untangling the Sexual Issues of Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse" on my website, it might help.

~bill www.freewebs.com/krillco

hey,
this may sound weird, but I am a victim of a sexual assualt, more then one time in my life. And the answer is yes for me, I still want to do that, but I fear having flashbacks or remembering the wrong thinfs and not enjoying it. Thanks for bring it up, I was curious myself!

BK, that was an excellent and informative article on the sexual issues of adult survivors. I identify with this subject because it IS very hard to untangle the sickness of the abuse done to us with what healthy sex really is. I have not even started to work on this aspect of my healing yet. What is NORMAL SEX, sexual fantasies? What is not 'normal'? How do we know what it is the we like and what it is that we don't like that the one/s that forced us made us do? It is a very hard topic and the taboos of talking about sex makes it harder as well as those that are out there who treat the subject of sex in a way that makes ME very uncomfortable, as if it is dirty, or...I don't have the words, but it does make me uncomfortable talking about it in an open forum.

I thank you all for you help and advice. My partner and I are ok. She is having a hard time with it because she said she nevers want to act like she is hurting me and pretending to be a perpratrator. Which I understand. It is just taking time. She doesnt want to talk about it really when it happened to me not her. But I understand the confussion in it and I feel bad for even thinking or acting upon it. I wont do it again. I did get some flash backs but kept tell myself it was ok and pretend. Sigh. I dont know. Thanks though. I will defenatly read the articel.

The article was helpful. thanks

Hey there, just thought I'd add something from my experience. Something that used to happen to me was that during sex with my partner a sort of flashback would happen where I would see him as someone else (a past abuser), and I didn't do anything to stop that. I let it continue, because it would heighten the experience because it added fear it. I was used to being afraid during sex, and without it sex seemed almost boring or non-arousing. This was because early on (regardless of whether I wanted it to happen or not) during rape I would become aroused, and that coupled with fear made it more exciting. But the problem with that, is that I was MAKING my ex into an abuser. I was letting him continue to have sex with me, whilst I was imagining it was rape. So, in effect he was hurting me and I was making him. It was unfair to him, and damaging to our relationship.

In another example, he was also a sexual abuse victim, and wanted rape fantasies to come into the bedroom. I agreed to it, but because nieither of us were healthy of mind, we both ended up feeling really horrible. He felt like a rapist and I felt like a victim. It was impossible to divorce those things from reality. What was worse was that he hated rapists because of what had happened to him.. so for him to feel like a rapist was soul destroying.

So.. I think, that in a healthy relationship, where both people are completely comfortable in their minds and bodies. Do not have rape issues, these fantasies are ok, because they are far from the truth. But when its not, it can be very damaging.

Its a pattern that you see with people who are in denial about abuse that has happened to them. They end up working in the sex industry, tending to lean towards bondage to enhance their experiences etc. All things to add fear to their experience.

thanks for your expericence. It does make sense. I get where you are all coming from and it helps so much. My partner and I have talked about it but she still doesnt want to fully talk bout it. I told her to forget it. That it would never happend again. So it made me feel really bad and I still do. Like it is all my fault and I did something bad. Sorda the same feeling after being abused or something. I know it doesnt make total sense. i do apprechate everything.

hey there, just read your last post. Don't beat yourself up about what happened with your partner, sometimes we don't know the consequences of our actions until after the fact. It seems that you've given her the opportunity to discuss it. All you can do is to leave the space open for her to approach you to discuss any issues she has about it, thats the best you can do.

You now know how it made you feel and how it made her feel, so you can know what to do and what not to next time.

There is a way around this, which I've heard can be effective, but best done when you have a therapist to process what comes up with it. I don't feel comfortable talking about it on this post, but if you want to message me to ask, I will explain it to you then.

Keep plugging away at it... all relationships are difficult, and when one or both of the people have been abused, it takes that extra bit of special loving care.