My therapist is female but there was a time when I loved her like a mother. She was the first adult to care about me and show compassion so...I loved her for it. In time, as I continued to heal that love turned into respect.

I worked on an issue a few weeks ago that made me feel shame and she explained that shame only has power when you remain silent. Talk about what you feel ashamed of and the power is gone and shame lifts. I did talk about it that day and the shame did lift. It is not entirely gone yet but talking about it is much easier now.

I agree that your therapist probably does know how you feel as I'm sure you are not the first patient to go through this with him. Maybe it would help you to write out the way you think the conversation will go. What do you think he will say? What do you hope he will say and why? What do you hope he won't say and why? I'm sure a part of you is afraid of being hurt if he doesn't love you back as you have many parts who desperately want an adult to love them. Then there is judgment which, when received, is very hurtful. So.....what is it you want from this man who is being kind to you, compassionate, patient and non-judgmental?

I hope this didn't make it more confusing for you. If it did I'm really sorry.

Take care

As you know, I never had the courage to deal with this myself, and as you know, I am in favor of an indirect approach. As in, "Um, could you explain transference to me?" And then you slide into, "Oh, that's so mortifying". Then he asks why, and you tell him, and you basically discuss the whole thing BEFORE you make any mortifying confession.

Hopefully you'll get some more helpful, straightforward and intelligent replies from others here!

Hi, I was raped by my therapist for 4 years. He groomed me and manipulated me when I was a young adult, even though I was not obsessed with him or in love with him. You must be careful with that. I would tell him about my feelings about him in a straightforward way (I am like this but maybe you don't want to be like that) and then see if he reacts in a professional way or not. If he doesn't get out of there and look for a professional one. I think of therapists as any other human being trying to assist me with my recovery and nothing else after all what I have been through. I like things clear and professional. He might have noticed you are in love with him and hopefully he wants to clarify you: that you are his client and that there cannot be any type of romantic relationship between you and him while being in therapy. That may be why he is asking you those questions. Maybe he wants to explain that to you. I think it would be good to not repress those feelings. I imagine he will explain those feelings to you.

I have found a book about this that I have not read yet, but I am going to share it with you if you are interested: "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists."

Therapists behave like this with us but we the clients should not idealize them or think of them as our saviors. They are people like everybody else doing their job. This is as far as I understand.

Thanks for the replies. I think I just have to get it out in the open and deal with it. I think when I see him I see my childhood abusers so there is a mixture of love and fear.

I have absolutely no concerns that he will behave inappropriately and I wouldn't say I idolize him. It is a difficult feeling to explain. I react to him the way I have to other men in my past and I figured this would happen and I think it can be helpful but only if I deal with it. I guess that is what I am struggling with.

I wish you luck in your next session. Your therapist will know how to deal with this. I just said it because I wouldn't like anybody else goes through the same as me and I was guessing what you could feel. On the other hand, I feel isolated that other people cannot understand the way I feel although I feel understood in some way here in DS and wish other therapist abuse survivors communicated with me.

Positiveoutcome, Your therapist betraying and hurting you like that had to be horrible. I have had some horrid experiences with a few psychologists in my childhood but is was incompetence not abuse.

I'm sure there are others who have gone through what you have. Maybe they aren't in a place, emotionally, where they can talk about it. I think this group has not only a lot of lurkers but many people who come in to get some validation in the beginning of their journey.

I am terrified my therapist will hurt me emotionally. Afraid he will suddenly turn on me or laugh at me or become angry with me. I am afraid that all the time I am working hard to trust him that he will have been sitting there thinking I am a repulsive loser.

My fears can't compare to having someone that is deeply trusted betray you emotionally and physically/sexually.
I hope some others who have experienced that will feel brave enough to come forward.

Cecilbgreen, thanks for your kind reply and for acknowledging some of my feelings regarding my rape from my therapist. I had to visit 15 therapists where I live before I decided to find one online. Here therapists are not well-trained and they have made me feel worse.

I don't think your therapist thinks that you are a repulsive loser. Why would he think that? I don't see any reason to think that, however he may think that you are a courageous woman who is strong and wants to improve her life. It is nice you are working hard on your trust issues. Keep it up!

I also have felt that my therapist is going to be bad with me. Actually, I saw her with a devil face twice and told her that. I know it is not her real face and that it was my mind that made her look like that. She said that she thinks that I must have been very afraid about what we were talking. So, I understand that fear. It is the same as mine. Now you are the one who has control of the situation, you have the power to stop the therapy at any moment, walk away or defend yourself. I am proud of you for going to therapy. You are doing well.

I had a female therapist for some years, and i loved her. I didn't realize this was just the child parts of me wanting and needing to been seen, heard and cherished as a person. I just thought she was great. She was more like a mother to me and as my mother was completely useless this attention was marvelous.

She knew very well I was besotted with her but remained professional throughout our contact together. I was very lucky because I was damaged enough to be easy pickings if she had been in the market to abuse me further. I could have been groomed like Positiveoutcome was.

But anyways Cecil I think it may be time to have a frank talk with your therapist about boundries. My counselor was always talking to me about them. You could write down what you think the boundries of a therapy relationship should be and then he will probably bring up transference!

CecilBGreen:
I have had several clients that formed a transferred relationship with me in my years of counseling. As a therapist, it really doesn't take that long to detect such because it is expected in some cases, and counselors are usually very aware of your behaviors, verbalization and emotional states while in your presence - he probably already has a deep suspicion, if not a belief, that you have transferred some emotions onto him. And you say you think he may already suspects, so-----
I agree with Carolin57, you should talk to him about it. I do wonder if you are more scared of admitting it to yourself or to him? Admitting such can be very embarrassing and you need a good amount of strength to confront such.
I had a similar "crush" on an early therapist. He picked up on it, addressed it and, even though I was embarrassed for a while, he helped me understand how and why I projected this onto him, knowing all the while that I shouldn't be feeling that way toward him.
Just remember - there is nothing wrong with reaching out for affection, but as survivors we have to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate attachments
I would look at this as another step in healing....a hard one, but a needed one. This can help you re-evaluate your ability to emotionally attach to others and be better able to regulate these attachments.
After my counselor and I talked about this transference, the result was that it helped me realize that I attached to seemingly caring people very quickly, and this had led me into a multitude bad relationships that resulted as dead-ends relationship or abusive ones. Use this as a growth process, rather than a personal shame.
Also, as you are very empathic, so it is normal you will absorb his care and concern for you very easily - so, it is pretty understandable that you are reacting to him in a very positive manner and would like to have that care and concern in your life - but it can really impede the actual healing that you are seeking, so please do address this as soon as you are strong enough to do so. Your therapist should be trained and experienced in helping you through this and turning it into a deeper understanding of your processes.
(Plus - we therapists are NOT easy to live with - we just look that way in the office!!!)
I hope this helps some -
As usual, all my best,
Refuse2quit

CecilBGreen:
P.S. - Be patient with yourself, it make take some time to re-appropriate your emotions from "Love" into "Respect" and "Like", but that is part of the learning aspect of this process.
Also, consider me paranoid, but if you do tell him, do be alert to any inappropriate behavior on his part. Some therapists are NOT so moral, as PostiveOutcome, and others can attest to. I am not saying you should be scared or even hesitant around him, but do be aware that some professionals may take advantage of such knowledge
Just a few last thoughts
All my best....
Refuse2quit

Yes Cecilbgreen, it is like Refuse2quit told you. They are just doing their job. It doesn't mean that they are like this in real life or that they do what they say. You don't know. This doesn't mean that you are going to be scared of him, distrust completely of all of his actions. This is a therapeutic relationship that you are forming for your benefit. They receive a training and they recognize this and are supposed to not let go it further.

Once one psychologist told me at the beginning of the therapy that he has his flaws and mistakes as every other human being, then he explained me that he was starting to do his practices as a psychologist and after attending a client a few times, he told his supervisor what was happening and she said: "Stop, stop!" What do you think that you are doing? You two are going to end up in bed if you keep like this with her." And then he said that he did what she said and things went well with this woman. So, they know well. It is better to be alert to any inappropriate behavior and to follow your gut and for instance ask yourself: "Does this make sense? Does this sound helpful to me? Is this aligned with my principles, values and beliefs?"

Again, thanks for the replies. I am so embarrassed about this and I have been feeling it for so long. I keep hoping it will just pass. I completely understand that it is not a real love. I know nothing about him, really.

I do know that I am supposed to be able to open up to him and trust him with very personal things and I have very limited experience with that. The experiences I have had turned out badly.

I was thinking about love and when the last time was that I felt I loved someone besides my daughter and maybe more importantly the last time I ever felt loved by someone. That brings me back to my childhood abusers. He was my favorite brother. he seemed to just love me and enjoyed playing with me. He smiled when he saw me and would seek me out. Then slowly it turned into something sick and perverted. It was the same with his friend. He would seek me out, play games with me. Never made me feel stupid, never yelled at me. I wasn't touched much as a child ....at least that I can remember. My father never touched me. My mom hardly ever touched me. My brother and his friend did. At first it was nice. It felt safe and warm and loving being held. Then it all changed and became awful.

I think that was the beginning of the end for me. Accepting love and giving love just didn't happen again.

That is so terribly sad. I can vividly picture the little girl, the whole scenario.

As survivors, our feelings and emotions get all mixed up. We can think that caring is like a magic potion that makes the person who is showing it to us awesome, perfect, likeable, lovable, to be adored.

Something I've learned is that the intense feelings I feel when I'm treated properly (respected, affirmed, valued, listened to, cared for) are often a reaction to the fact that that is not my normal way of relating. The more I am exposed to proper treatment, the less strong my feelings get when I choose to have the proper perspective on the situation and I understand that simple kindness and respect is how I should and deserve to be treated.

I also agree with donnawanda that this is may be a good approach or way to broach the subject with your therapist.

"I am in favor of an indirect approach. As in, 'Um, could you explain transference to me?' And then you slide into, 'Oh, that's so mortifying'. Then he asks why, and you tell him, and you basically discuss the whole thing BEFORE you make any mortifying confession."

I have a session tomorrow so I will let everyone know how it goes.