I would highly recommend seeing a therapist and working through your past. If you ever want to be a foster parent or maybe even adopt they ask about any history of abuse I know because I too wanted children and couldn't have them right away. I got the paperwork for fostering but after seeing the section about abuse I just froze. It would be better for you to have worked through the abuse if you haven't already. Being a parent is much harder than I thought it takes a toll on you in every way and presses into your rough edges. So that your child when that time comes isn't negatively impacted being as healthy as you can is so helpful. I'm sure you have a lot of love to share with a child and I pray someday your desires is fulfilled. Even though I wanted children for a long time I am very glad they didn't come before I did my own recovery work (although I started when I was pregnant). There are lots of ways to be involved with children through teaching, church, childcare etc. It does take a village. There are crisis nursery's etc. You never know where your path will take you but I would guess if you start working on yourself other doors will open to you. I'm sorry you were hurt don't let someone else's choices rob you of your dreams...you are worth more. Blessings.

Thank you.
I have seen a therapist but I always get stuck because I blame myself for the abuse.

I never knew you they asked you about abuse for adoption and foster parenting. If you put yes are you automatically disqualified?

That would crush any hope of ever having a child.

No I'm sure it doesn't disqualify you at all as so many have gone through abuse but my thought was being able to answer truthfully and if questioned regarding the past to be able to say you went through therapy for it would be a positive. I did not turn in the application because of the question though because at the time I hadn't and I though that that would be something I should do before proceeding. I'm glad I did. I'm sorry you are stuck in therapy have you tried groups? Sometimes one thing doesn't click but keep trying. I find I can often validate others over myself and at the same time if they understand they aren't to blame than perhaps I'm not to blame either. What would get you unstuck?

I don't know that anything will. It was my fault. There were three different incidences. The first two I could possibly, with help work through but the last incident that happened for 3 years was completely my fault because it was my idea. I wanted to do everything. I came up with the sick shit we did. I feel like an utterly disgusting person.

You are not alone. I am a 47 year old female. I am married to a wonderful man and...I am non-sexual. The abuse I went through was very violent with the sole intent to cause pain and as a result I have vaganismus (the inability to have anything penetrate) I am indeed a 47 year old virgin....and I still have a husband/partner who accepts this. There are many ways to be intimate and close with another without having sex.

I am also unable to have a gyn exam and have only had 1 in my life. So far..no issues.

You say you are stuck because you blame yourself for the abuse. This is very common because we were led to believe that it was our fault. To turn this around you need to keep telling yourself that you were a child and the only one to blame is the adult who did that to you. I also found it important to continually remind myself that the adults lied. EVERYTHING that came out of their mouths was a lie.

You say that 3 years of it was your fault because you wanted it and asked for it. I am not sure of the ages of all this but my guess is that you were sexually abused as a small child, learned about sex in a very unhealthy manner, and then applied it to yourself and someone else later in your childhood. If this is the case you are still not to blame. When we are introduced to sex too young it affects us on so many levels. When we are introduced to it in such an unhealthy way it affects us even more. You were a child who was hurt, lied to and taught things a child should never have to learn. A child who then thought what the adults taught her was the truth and applied it to her own life. You were a child. The child is not at fault.

Take care

What if the one that abused me wasn't an adult? She was in High School.

If the other persons actions regardless of age were for THEIR OWN sexual gratification than it was abuse. A highschooler knows what is right and wrong when it comes to sex and abuse. And I agree with the above poster that abuse as a child can lead to more abuse happening amoungst peers. Completely agree with her statement so I won't retype it. Age doesn't matter so much as intent matters I believe.

Thanks :/

Children are wonderful and everything you imagine but they require your best you. I did not see this I like you thought of being a father when I was a very young boy. I wanted to be a great dad. The very best dad. This person did such a poor job his first three years he was successful at raising a three year old daughter who leaned to foster contempt and laothed me........

Our best intentions do make the best results when we are broken and unhealthy. I fixed my relationship with my daughter but it was not until I discovered that I needed to love myself and care for me so that when I was with my daughter I had something to give.

You are not restored and although the blame is not yours to put yourself in a place of guardianship when you are not restored is to repeat the cycle. Children require our very best our mistakes our struggles through them and our triumphs from picking ourselves out of the dirt and restoring ourselves. You give them a very visual way to lean that life is about talking risks, failing figuring out why getting up and not repeating. I know the duration of failures at some things requires several ways how not to do something so it's a countinuation of crossing off ways not to heal until you find victory.

Read the people's histories here and how the have come to been abused as young children. The truth is their parents were broken perhaps they were aloof and left their children to the whims of the word because they though someone else would do a better job or they figured I had no one and so shall my son. Some parents stay but can not see what is health for their children because they are not healthy and even though they though they were doing their very best efforts to break the cycle their understating of what was healthy and normal is so far below the bar of such a thing they may have improved from what they knew but still are still terribly below.

The truth is does not matter. When you take charge of a child a life they only have you and it's up to you to be healthy restored and have something to give so your child can walk in your pain see you rise up out of the ashes and learn from you from your work.

Children are not puppies or kittens every day you are with the. Has consequences even the first day they are born I know this first hand.

So hear you are single with a passion to be a mother. We need great mothers and with work right not prior to your time to be such because you are still very very young with much left. Focus on restoration. That means returning your mind to a place had you never been violated that you no longer have hang ups because sex with someone you love regardless of your ordination is a wonderful expression of love and the connection you feel with your partner is a gift and worthy of fighting for its purity.


Finally most important because this is a human LAW you only attract and keep as healthy as you are. Make sure your partner is worthy to raise your child and you want to see half of them in your child. So pick a great partner by being a healthy fully restored you.

You are not to blame, you were groomed.
You were rendered exploitable by prior abuse.

Not your fault.

Also:
http://www.cryobank.com/
They will Fed Ex frozen donor sperm overnight...I kid you not...