Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Dad was a sadistic fuck.
I have recall of being naked about 4 years old and being belt whipped and screaming in pain.
Then I have the 'feeling'. A foggy memory accompanied by the feeling that something happened. I believe the feelings now because I confirmed a few with my sister.
The feeling is the sexual rape part. Either oral or anal. Guess it depended on his mood.
Then the sadistic talk. Rude demeaning comments as he raped me. Sometimes the words play over and over in my head like a broken record and I can not stop them.
I also hear other people he shared me with. One comment that I can not get out of my head is, "Damn Chris your right he is a good cock sucker." Guess I was a quick study even at four.
Put all that together and now some 40+ years later and I find I want/desire/need to be spanked hard to the point of weakness in my body and then an orgasmic release. The saddest part is I sometimes can not stop it from happening and it is self inflicted.
Dang this whole memory recovery thing and finding out your dad loved to torture and rape you is difficult to absorb.
The stages of Grief model - I am past denial. Although I want to believe it did not happen and that my daddy was loving and nurturing and kind and helped me grow into a man. He did none of that.
I am in the Anger-Barganing-Depression all at once. Fuck I am still pissed off. I hate it when people tell me to "get over it"
Sometimes I think I want to be in this self wallowing mood.
Sometimes I want it to end. As in not be alive anymore.
Sometimes I want to scream from the top of a building. But I feel that most people are caught up in their own lives and really my screaming would find no help.
Sometimes I think I can go on.
Sometimes I am lost
Sometimes I feel like I ramble.
Sometimes I forget to thank others for their help.
Thank you.
I have recall of being naked about 4 years old and being belt whipped and screaming in pain.
Then I have the 'feeling'. A foggy memory accompanied by the feeling that something happened. I believe the feelings now because I confirmed a few with my sister.
The feeling is the sexual rape part. Either oral or anal. Guess it depended on his mood.
Then the sadistic talk. Rude demeaning comments as he raped me. Sometimes the words play over and over in my head like a broken record and I can not stop them.
I also hear other people he shared me with. One comment that I can not get out of my head is, "Damn Chris your right he is a good cock sucker." Guess I was a quick study even at four.
Put all that together and now some 40+ years later and I find I want/desire/need to be spanked hard to the point of weakness in my body and then an orgasmic release. The saddest part is I sometimes can not stop it from happening and it is self inflicted.
Dang this whole memory recovery thing and finding out your dad loved to torture and rape you is difficult to absorb.
The stages of Grief model - I am past denial. Although I want to believe it did not happen and that my daddy was loving and nurturing and kind and helped me grow into a man. He did none of that.
I am in the Anger-Barganing-Depression all at once. Fuck I am still pissed off. I hate it when people tell me to "get over it"
Sometimes I think I want to be in this self wallowing mood.
Sometimes I want it to end. As in not be alive anymore.
Sometimes I want to scream from the top of a building. But I feel that most people are caught up in their own lives and really my screaming would find no help.
Sometimes I think I can go on.
Sometimes I am lost
Sometimes I feel like I ramble.
Sometimes I forget to thank others for their help.
Thank you.
Many parents should not be allowed to have children in their presence, but that is such a difficult thing to determine - who and why. You are not rambling BTW - I understood everything you were trying to say. And the thought of screaming, but no one hearing you is so common with survivors - but here you will not have to scream. Just talk and others will hear.
We care - try to accept that what happened to you was not your fault - it was the fault of a sadistic individual who was concerned with his own satisfaction, not your safety. Keep talking - it helps and others will understand and the power of having someone who has been there tell you it "ok" to feel the way you feel is very strong.
All my best -
Refuse2quit