Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
One night while lying in bed with my husband (shortly before he died) we were watching some late night sex talk show. I can't remember the name of it but people would call in and ask questions about sex and relationships. Anyway...a caller asked a question about masturbation. My husband asks me " Have you talked to L (my 12 year old daughter and his step daughter) about masturbation?" I think I stopped breathing for a second. I turned to him and said," Why? What are you talking about?"
He just dropped the subject and didn't say anything else.
Fast forward to after his death. On his computer I found he had hidden some pictures of my daughter that were taken by his webcam. Apparently he had the webcam set up to take pics automatically every few minutes. There was nothing horribly graphic about them but they were shots that looked down the front of her shirt. There were 3 pictures. They were in a hidden file and they were deliberately saved as the webcam would have taken hundreds of shots.
I can't confront him. I was shocked and pissed when I found them. I have never told her about the pictures because it would be upsetting especially if he never touched her. If she has positive and healthy memories of him the last thing I want to do is destroy them. I have always encouraged her to be open and I don't think he did touch her but I just don't know what to think. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I'm trying to justify my anger at him?
Please share any thoughts you have.
He just dropped the subject and didn't say anything else.
Fast forward to after his death. On his computer I found he had hidden some pictures of my daughter that were taken by his webcam. Apparently he had the webcam set up to take pics automatically every few minutes. There was nothing horribly graphic about them but they were shots that looked down the front of her shirt. There were 3 pictures. They were in a hidden file and they were deliberately saved as the webcam would have taken hundreds of shots.
I can't confront him. I was shocked and pissed when I found them. I have never told her about the pictures because it would be upsetting especially if he never touched her. If she has positive and healthy memories of him the last thing I want to do is destroy them. I have always encouraged her to be open and I don't think he did touch her but I just don't know what to think. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I'm trying to justify my anger at him?
Please share any thoughts you have.
Maybe this is not the time to talk to her, but you may one day need to ask what she thought of him and such, sort of give her the chance to talk openly to you about anything. But I also think that as you are a survivor, you would know what to look for in this area, as far as signs of abuse or such. I do hate to hear about this, as it seems to have somewhat tainted your memory of him.
I do hate this for you as I know you loved him deeply. If you need to talk more, you know how to get in touch with me - Unless there is more than this, perhaps he was just admiring her body, whether that is proper or not, it isn't respectful or appropriate in any way.
Sorry to say this, but with all the porn online, I wonder why he would have done this? Maybe just some little glitch in his system - again, I think you can approach this without directly approaching it with her someday. You need to feel at peace with him.
All my best -
Refuse2quit
I don't need to tell you that what he did was much more than inappropriate. As for telling her, you're going to have to trust your gut to let you know if and when to do this...if ever.
He's dead but you can still confront him. In fact, I believe it's important that you do. That anger that you rightly feel will find its way to expression and may come out in a way that you didn't intend.
So, I'd suggest going to his grave, or wherever he is, and venting out loud. Write a letter and vent. Let him know how you feel about what he did. Say it out loud.
After your anger is expressed you may have a better sense of how to handle this situation. You did not overreact.
Continue to keep the communication lines between your daughter and you open. She is fortunate you are her mother.
xx
SuzA
Why torture yourself with questions that cannot be answered? It's using energy that might be better used elsewhere...like living this moment instead of the unknown.
xx
SuzA
That is a good question. I'm not sure but I think I want permission/justification for hating his MOFO guts. When we were dating he was a sweet heart. Other women were jealous of how he treated me. But things changed after we bought a house and got engaged. Suddenly he was unable to do anything even remotely domestic. He refused to even start dinner cooking because he couldn't find the cooking utensils. (They were in the kitchen in a drawer....I didn't bury them in the god damned back yard or anything). Somehow home ownership had a detritus effect on his ability to do laundry as well. He would leave power tools all over the house. I was not allowed to pick them up because I might put them where he couldn't find them. I can only assume he meant the same place those pesky cooking utensils were kept. One time he suggested we have a dinner party. I said sure...gonna be fun. He had left a power drill in the middle of the dinning table...been there all week. I asked him a couple of times to take care of it. Remember ...I was not allowed to touch it. It sat there. Finally the night of the dinner party I made a flower arrangement around it. he got all pissy. I worked 9 to 10 hour days in a pediatricians office. I said listen hun, I need your help. Can you please unload the dishwasher. He would go do it with a pissy look on his face and would slam every dish into place. Bed time comes. he likes me dressed pretty, well groomed, and tied up. I am ok with this but a girl gets tired. Especially when her man doesn't move his ass away from the video game after he gets home from work. So it all comes to a head a couple of weeks before he dies. I straight up told him that I did not sign up for this shit. it is nonsense. You want me to be your sex princess for 2 hours every night( the man didn't know what a quickie was) and if I play dead or asleep or say no you get out of bed, stomp down the stairs slam the front door and squeal the tires as you tear ass out of the driveway. Of course all that silliness woke my daughter and she would be scared. I would tell her all was fine that he just went out for smokes. Anyway...we fight it out and then start to work through things. Then ...he dies. I found the pictures after his death. I also found emails to some woman he had been meeting. His friends would bring me food and offered to sign me up for a cooking class because he had told them that he had to cook dinner every night. He was a hoarder. It took 2 huge dumpsters and a team of 8 people an entire day to just clear the basement and part of the garage. This was what I was left with. I wouldn't even get to keep the house. One night I got a bit drunk. I took his box of ashes off the shelf and tried to pry it open with a butter knife and a hammer with the intention of flushing his ashes down the toilet. Cremation boxes are really well sealed so alas I was unsuccessful. I look back on that now and laugh :-) God it felt good writing that :-)
Sounds like you have more than enough reason to feel the way you do.
Your last line made me smile...I bet it did feel good to get it out.
xx
SuzA