Hi,

Wow, so much has happened to you and there is so much pain and fear left.

I wonder if you're able to access counselling? If you're leaving in 4 weeks it may have to be private because of waiting times in NHS and charity provisions (and charities are often no cheaper than private therapists).

Good luck.

Thanks iv emailed my old councelling and there allowing me to have a one off crisis appt dunno when waiting on the reply its like after the past few monthd iv felt normal fine tried hide how I reallu feel bt now its like waiting to burst and dont wanna bother my friends and family as I dont wan annoy them etc

I do understand what you are saying about not wanting to bother others, but you do need to talk to someone - I hope they can fit you in to see your counselor quickly. Predators can often spot someone who has been victimized in the past - it is like a weird radar that they share. This is not to say it was in ANY WAY your fault, it is just an phenomenon that sometimes occurs. I was sexually abused by a cousin and then a few years later an uncle started to abuse me - I felt it was something I was doing or that I was asking for - it turned out that it is not odd for a survivor of sexual abuse to be re-abused by others. It is very similar to Domestic Violence - often abusers can "detect", through our body language or something, that we have been abused in the past. I am glad that one of your abusers were fired, but was there anyway you could press charges? These men need to be behind bars. They are rapists and should NOT be on the street.
Talk as you need to - maybe it will help until you can talk to your therapist.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

I went to the captain and we pressed charges bt because I left it to late for evidence and belgium police suck nothing was Hppened sadly he got fired and all my friends on the ship turned against me :( I was also abused 2 year's ago at my work I pressed charges bt they said he was just being friendly:/ my luck tbh bt now I feel shit I told my bf how I feel hes visiting his new niece who was born this morning bt im staying T his so hopefully will be able to talk they replied and r going give me a crisis appt next week for 1 hour not really enough bt better than nothing I know how you feel its not easy bt its sometimes better to cope alone than get the ppl ur closest to involved

At times that is true, but we all need support - I do hope you feel you can get that here - let us know what is happening and if you need to talk!
All my best - take care and as I say - let us know if you need to unload or get something off your chest. You have been through a lot!
Refuse2quit

Thanks for helping its helpful somewhat

Hello. I'm sorry you have been through all of this. I don't have much more to add other than to let you know that I also was abused multiple times by multiple people. I was molested from 9-12 (it may have started at 7). I was repeatedly raped by a peer at 13 & 14 and then I was raped at 24. I know that I didn't do anything to invite any of this on myself and you didn't either.

I agree with Refuse that predators can sense when a person is vulnerable or can be easily overpowered. You can heal from this trauma. I'm glad you do have an appointment setup for next week. If you still need help this week we are all very happy to help as much as we can.

Take care

Sorry for your situation and pray you find the help you need. I would take some self defense classes get a good counselors . I go to a Christian counselor. Glad you could come here and talk. It is very dishearting when you have abuse and nothing can be done and you feel very alone. I repressed my abuse because no one could help and I could not get out. You know the people who abused you did not give you a choice or ask if you wanted to be bothered. They do not care.only about themselves. Books are a great source of help. I like Woman Thou art loosed by T.D. Jakes. My only source of help was from the Lord. I was abused from birth till adulthood. tortured, raped, beaten and neglected. etc. so my king james bible.. I am saved and love the Lord. He kept me from being killed and forgotten . I am a fighter and I have scars and fibro and hemlipalegic migranes. I called upon him many a time and he did help me.

So hear is another problem me and my bf just tried to have sex bt during kissing etc I completely froze and I dont remenber what happened he said dont do that as its scary I have no idea I think I panicked or something was horrible

Your reaction to the kiss does not surprise me at all. I think that many survivors of abuse have problems with intimacy in some way. And if you are starting to focus more on your healing from the abuse it makes sense to me that you will have some triggers. We all have triggers.

I'm sorry your boyfriend reacted the way he did because it may make the next kiss more difficult. I know you are leaving to work on a cruise ship, but any counseling you can get prior to leaving would probably be very beneficial.

Good luck. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

I dont know I blanked and ended up crying he comforted me and held me bt is that enough tbh we tried agen today and it hurt so agen I was left in tears we have been sexually intimate for a while after the first rape happened he supported me and took me a long time to trust him bt I did then when I left we were just friends now I fame after being raped agen its like its happened all over agen and I wish it wasnt like this :( after these things happen some ppl turn to drugs drink or even worse the most iv done is prob self harm I try to forget abt it and put it to the bk of my mind bt doesnt always work that way as now its re appeared and I leave in 3 weeks can someone please help? Thanks