I just want to scream at him and throw a tantrum. I'm a full-grown adult and I am DYING to just throw a tantrum in his face, in court, in front of everyone so everyone can see how badly he hurt me. Why didn't I do something when I had the chance? He hurt me so badly, so much, so often. He texted me after, bragging about how he loves when I struggle and fight to get away from him, then just give up and "enjoy" it. I didn't FUCKING enjoy it, I just understood that I couldn't get out from underneath your weight. I HAD the text confessions. I HAD the handprints bruised into my arms and the bite marks bruised into my stomache, thighs, shoulders, on my face...WHY, why didn't I go to someone? HOW did he POSSIBLY manipulate me to such a level that, even as I RECOGNIZED exactly what he was doing, I couldn't go to the police. I was so scared of the results and somehow felt we needed each other, even though I knew we didn't. THAT is what bothers me the most.

YOU were on drugs, YOU had a rough childhood, YOU have anxiety issues. That makes it all okay, right? Because YOU had exuses and you apologized after you got busted for drugs and had to go to "rehab"? It's not even real rehab! You just get pills from a clinic instead of someone off the streets! So you can't work now, big deal? Still no one who would help me knows what you did to me. I told your wife and she didn't help me. Does that make her equally a bad person? You're living your life, doing whatever you want all day every day. While I'm here, reliving these memories that leave me unable to get out of bed, even though I've been here for days aside from getting food. I often wonder if I've remembered to brush my teeth that day, or when the last time I washed or brushed my hair was, or which day I put on the clothes I'm wearing. I try to go back to feeling like my old self...confident, feeling like I am sexy and outgoing but a bit shy.. Now I just feel like a constant downer. I can't even look in the mirror at myself without seeing the bruises you left on me that are physically long gone. Without hearing your voice telling me which parts of my body you like and which you think I need to work on. My thoughts constantly revolve around what you would say, what you would want. What would make you maybe stop being attracted to me and what you would realized I changed on purpose to push you away and you PUNISHED me so much for trying to be human, trying to make interactions with others and for not wanting you. Raping someone isn't okay. Biting isn't okay. Why don't you have to suffer like I do? This isn't fair! I can't even move on with my life! UGHHHHH I hate him so much for everything he's done to me. I wish I could go talk to a psychologist but I'm too scared. Scared to expose my inner self like that. Scared to expose how I've been exposed. I'm scared I'll never be able to have a functioning relationship now