Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have decided my goal is to overcome that bit of me that feels lonely and wants to love and be loved. It isn't going to happen and I don't want it to happen so I need to accept that so I can move on.
I can't imagine anyone touching me. I remember that initial fear just before penetration and then I go away. I have always gone away.
The one thing therapy has done for me is to make me realize how incapable I am of having anything real with someone. I have never had a real relationship. Not once in my life. Never. I need to get over it.
I just wish it didn't make me sad. I know I am unlovable and unable to love. I'm too damaged and too frightened.
I don't want encouragement or sympathy. I'm just angry and frustrated.
I wish things ...me...didn't turn out the way they did but here I am. To broken to be fixed. I'm not young anymore. There is no time to put the pieces together.
Maybe it is time to put all this shit back in the box and close the lid. I am thinking about ending counseling since the original reason I started going is no longer my goal. There is still a little bit of me hanging on. I really think it is only because I would miss my therapist. That is not a good enough reason.
I can't imagine anyone touching me. I remember that initial fear just before penetration and then I go away. I have always gone away.
The one thing therapy has done for me is to make me realize how incapable I am of having anything real with someone. I have never had a real relationship. Not once in my life. Never. I need to get over it.
I just wish it didn't make me sad. I know I am unlovable and unable to love. I'm too damaged and too frightened.
I don't want encouragement or sympathy. I'm just angry and frustrated.
I wish things ...me...didn't turn out the way they did but here I am. To broken to be fixed. I'm not young anymore. There is no time to put the pieces together.
Maybe it is time to put all this shit back in the box and close the lid. I am thinking about ending counseling since the original reason I started going is no longer my goal. There is still a little bit of me hanging on. I really think it is only because I would miss my therapist. That is not a good enough reason.
Clarification needed.
By "love" do you mean...
...a long-term, sexually monogamous marriage or marriage-like attachment to one particular guy, in which the two of you live in the same dwelling?
....OR....
....Do you mean an enduring, deep and meaningful interpersonal tie with another human being?
Because the former...is something you can manage without. The latter? *shakes head* uh-uh. Nope.
But you are right ..the other thing...it's not real...at least not for me.
I just know that I have some ugly self mutilation images going on right now.
I don't know....is it possible to be part child, part animal and part monster?
I don't want to encourage you to spend a lot of energy and time chasing after a romantic relationship that may never materialize for you.
I want you to have a happy, joyous, full life. I don't want you to languish and pine and suchlike.
I don't like to see you totally giving up on EVER finding Mr Right...or Mr Occasional Long Weekend... Or Mr Week in the Bahamas.
I also would like you to not have to space out during orgasms because those things are pretty freakin' awesome. Um...Maybe learning to be fully present during the big o would be best done solo at first.
Two books to think about getting hands on? Sexual healing Journey by Wendy Maltz, and (maybe?) Urban Tantra by Barbara Carellas.
I add the latter because viewing sexuality as something that can be about healing, and love, and connection, and opening oneself...well...it's a lot different than the horrorshow we lived through.
This is me setting terms. It's a first, I've always been bulldozed before because I never felt I had the right to ever set terms.
Would it feel safer to be in relationship with someone if you knew you were only going to let it go so far and no further?
Could you have someone around on a more limited basis?
My idea of having someone around on a limited basis is a married man. When I gave them up I gave up having sex with anyone I am attracted to.
I am going to use my pillow to put out my brain fire....maybe spend some quality time with Mr. Hitachi....
Had a lovely nightmare of being raped last night. I could feel it. In a doorway of all places. Bracing myself, sideways against the door frame, I could feel the paint...thick layers of paint from years of different colors being put on. The last color was a green. Woke up in panic. That is when the aloneness hits me.
I'm caught in a place and both exits lead to something bad.
Your dream speaks to a lot of fear and pain. I am sorry for that. But I KNOW that the door to healing does not lead to more abuse! There is safety and love in this world. Above all, there is an ocean of love in your very own heart, and it's all yours.
I've had that experience in my life so I know it exists. I couldn't hold onto it because I had a big mess to go back and clean up or clean out. But I know that if I can clear out all the b.s. that poisons me I'll be able to live from that place of love for self and others, and I'll be happy no matter what the outer circumstances of my life. And I have no doubt that you are capable of that depth of healing. You have tremendous courage, intelligence and strength. You will get there.
Nevertheless, the love that bubbles up from your own heart is pure delight, joy, happiness and fulfillment.
What you have done in the past, before your healing journey began, is not a valid predictor for what you will do in future. You have the power of choice. You have a lot more consciousness now.
But I don't want to argue with you. I'm sorry you feel so low, so vulnerable, so abandoned and unprotected. I wish I could make it better. Can it just be that you feel what you feel right now without it being a reason to make decisions or draw conclusions about the future?