All in good time my friend - your time. And it is his job to keep the "to-do" list at the forefront of your mind....even the uncomfortable "to-do's"!
Perhaps, once you let someone else see you "break" it will suddenly be more tangible and real for you? It is so hard to say "why?", but so important at times to identify the reasons behind the behavior.
Perhaps it is because he is a male that this is so hard - you say you "disguise" yourself from me - and once you do let go of those deepest of feelings, there is no mask that will hold the tears and fears at bay.
I commend you for seeking a male therapist, you are so very strong - many of us seek out the sex that did not offend against us to make it a little easier - buy I know you rarely take the short-cuts or easy-outs. Just more demonstration of your incredible core strength and courage.
Hope some of this is worth chewing on for a while -
All my best-
Refuse2quit

Oops-
"Perhaps it is because he is a male that this is so hard - you say you "disguise" yourself from me(n) -"
Sorry for the typo - thus the reason I should always read and re-read my replies!!!
Refuse2quit

I agree with Refuse, you need to move at your own pace. There will come a time when you feel ready to release all the tears and emotions and they will flow easily. And once you do shed them they will come more easily the next time and then the time after that.

Please don't be so hard on yourself - you will not be a 'big ugly blubbering' crier. You are a wonderful woman who is healing from atrocities that were done to her as a child. You deserve to shed those tears so you can heal from it all.

I know how hard it is to trust people, especially men. You are the bravest woman I know because you purposely found a male therapist. I could never do that. I hope he is starting to earn your trust because I would love for you to heal completely. You really do deserve it.

Take care

R2Q and Lucky,
Thanks for the support. Feeling emotions about the things that happened is new to me. I have been having flashback, which is also new and the worst part is when they happen I get these overwhelming emotions and I feel 7 years old again. I'm scared and want to tell him, want to trust him and I almost do. But ...I don't know how to describe it well..... suddenly I am 7 and I look at him and I remember the betrayal. & year old are beautiful. They are happy, maybe a little shy, playful, trusting. That 7 year old wants to run to him but I am terrified.

CecilBGreen:
I understand your 7 year old wanting to run to him, but I would not be surprised if she needs to just slowly "edge over" to him to make sure that getting closer is safe. Once that first contact is made though, I really believe your 7 year old will run to him often and will learn to trust through this relationship.
At least that is my hope for you - go at your own pace - do not make a move until you feel total trust is there and that you are comfortable with the trust you are forming. You will get there - you want to so badly, and that desire really comes through your posts!
All my best my friend -
Refuse2quit

Some times a good cry is what we need. I know I do that and it is so stress healing and stress relieving. Sounds like you have a good therapist. It is hard to be vulnerable and you really get feelings out and dealt with. It does take time but your feelings are there for a reason and there to help you. Even crying at home it great also. When I work with the horses if I am burdened down with cares feelings they can tell and they want my full attention. I learn how to focus on them and focus on their needs and find ways to take care of them and have fun. I sing also if I feel sad or like crying . What ever is on my heart. It gives the little girl room to be heard and express and them deal and then be happy. I would draw also. don't force yourself , when you are ready. I will pray for you on your journey.

Do not feel pressured into doing anything. Honestly, maybe with this stuff it would be better for you to see a female? And I am JUST like you! I always wrote it all down but was never able to say it! You are not alone!

Sugarbear...I agree. A good cry often makes me feel better. I'm just embarrassed for it to happen in front of someone. I am glad you have your horses. We`all need something to center us.

Love Alice, I purposely chose a male therapist. I have worked with a couple of female therapists over the years. Some were good, some not so good. I chose a male because I want to learn to trust a man and be able to develop a healthy relationship with a male
I knew it would be difficult working with a male because there would be a good chance I would develop a crush and go through the love/hate stuff. Kiss/kill/push/pull. All that is the stuff I need to work through and I figured if I found a good therapist I could work through it in a safe place.

CecilBGreen,

The first sentence of your post made me laugh..."The freakin' NERVE!!!! and I saw that you realized the irony of it too. :)

There is, indeed, a world of difference between giving your therapist a journal writing to read and you talking about it. I wonder if an interim step might not be for you to read your writing aloud to him.

I wonder if that would ease the way. It is hard to talk about but, I believe for that very reason, it is so healing.

What does it mean to you to have a "...big ugly blubbering cry" besides feeling vulnerable and exposed? And if you are vulnerable and exposed in his presence what does that mean? And why are you "struggling?"

If you trust this man I believe you will be able to talk about it in your own time. Good that he is patient, yet focused. Sounds promising.

xx
SuzA

I too am much, Much, MUCH better with the written word than the spoken word.

I've never been to therapy, but I think I'm doing well enough without it. I honestly don't think I'd be able to talk at all if I did go.

Hugs to you!

Cecil:
I remember the first time one of my counselors really made "contact" with the inner pain that I was having. I had several therapists before that which were just not good therapists and they seemed unable to break through my shell (or I would not allow the shell to break - which ever way you want to see it).
But, when I finally had my "break through" I found that I could not look at my therapist at all while relating what happened to me - I stared at the floor and just let it all out. This went on for SO many sessions he finally said "are you ever going to be able to look at me when you talk?" - I explained to him that when I was talking, no matter where my eyes were, I was looking back and seeing all the abuse all over again , and in ways that were more "real" than when I had remembered them in the past. He was cool with this explanation and said "in your time" basically. Well, that time was long in coming. And when I started to be able to look at him, talk about BLUBBERING! There was something about seeing someone looking at you when you are relating something so personal. But for me, for many years I had avoided eye contact with most people - it was like if they looked at me and I looked back directly, they would be able to somehow "see" what I actually was or what actually happened; also I had learned that so many of my classmates met my looks with contempt on their faces. So eye contact was a very difficult step for me.
But, once I started "glancing" at him, and saw a kind, accepting person looking back and it was easier and easier to look at him and talk. But even today, when there is a rare time that I get upset or something really hits me in my "mental solar plexus", I find it hard to look at the person that I am talking to.
But the floor can be very comforting to look at.....it doesn't change or pass judgement and when I was really focusing backwards, it seemed to "disappear" completely - this allowed me to talk and think of nothing in the present time, but to focus on the past. Basically, I would "go deep" into the pain and memory. At this time, I really was not even that aware that someone was listening.
Yes - there was blubbering, shaking (LOTS of shaking), crying, snot everywhere, - it certainly wasn't pretty. But when you consider the actions that I was describing, my outward appearance is nothing by comparison to the ugliness of what I was describing. When you are talking, your therapist will not be passing any judgement on you for doing what you need to do to get your pain exposed and dealt with - if he does, then he is not worth his weight in sand as a therapist. But from what you have said, I am certain he will welcome the release that you are experiencing, regardless of how you appear outwardly - his focus will most likely be on your words and pain, not whether you are looking less than your best at this time.
All my best my very strong and courageous friend - also I love that sugarbear brought up her therapy through horses. I used to work with kids that had been through severe trauma due to Domestic Abuse and we set up a program where the kids went to a local stables and were assigned a horse, worked with them for a few weeks and then held a show for their non-offending parents and family. The kids were in heaven. There is something very calming about horses - with these kids, almost everytime they all got together we had friction and fights. But not once during the program was there any sign of upset or trouble. The kids took real pride in "their" horses and the horses were very able to form a quick bond with the kids. I really recommend "pet therapy" to anyone that has trouble in working with or being around people - pets can help you form trust and reliance on another living creature and that is a great first step.
All my best - you are an inspiration to us all.
Refuse2quit

Refuse, I always do the same thing when I am talking about the abuse - I stare at a wall. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you are viewing the abuse again. I also felt the current world drift away as I placed myself back in the abuse in order to feel all those horrible feelings and then cry hysterically because I could feel them again. But, that is how they get processed - unfortunately.

I also was not always able to look at my therapist when talking about it. For me it was the shame of it all. And I also didn't want to know if she didn't believe me. I had enough trouble believing it all myself, I certainly didn't need to see that she didn't believe me too. But she did believe me and kept telling me that until I actually believed it too.

Cecil - give it time. Let your 7 year old run up to your therapist and give him a hug. Learn trust through her. She knows he is safe. She is showing you that he is safe. Trust her, she knows who to trust and who not to trust.