Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
So it all started with my fathers friend, Endy (sounds like Andy). i was maybe 3-4 when it started, im not too sure about the age (blocked memorys) but i was young. My dad had always said none of my sisters and i were his kids, so when he was suppose to watch us he would drop us off some where and get drunk. and the guy he dropped me off with was a "trusted" friend from high school. he seemed okay to me, just alittle wierd. but then it started. he would say i looked tired and would carry me to his bed, if i resisted, he would hold his hand overe my face so i couldn't breath. he would throw me on the bed and i would try to run away. all he would do is laugh. i would hide in his closet and i could see him thro the doors. he would just smile and rip me from the ground. he didnt care if it was hurting me, he would only laugh when i told him he was. i would scream as load as i could but no one came to save me. no one heard/cared that was happeneing. all i knew was i was stuck. he would pin me to the bed and smile down at me. he would kiss my face and neck and say he loved me. he would say i woulkd make him cry if i didnt love him. i was so afraid that he would tell me daddy and that he would leave again (my dad was always leaveing us and going off for long amounts of time). i loved my dad so much i never told anyone what was going on. if my dad hadn't come back early, then it would still be happening.
I was 5 years old. my dad was suppose to be watching me. and so he drove over to Endys house. it was a rainy day, and i remeber it like it was yesterday. it was in March. i was tired and he was carrying me. as he was putting me down on his couch, i guess i talked in my sleep. no one ever told me what i said, but as my dad said goodbye to me he looked at me differently. it was maybe an hour before he came back. he was always gone for along time, like 3-4 hours at a time. and Endy had me pinned in the bed. i knew that it was no use to scream, but something told me to, so i did. i screamed. no a wordless scream. i screamed for my dad like i did when i was having nightmares. the next thing i knew he came crashing thro the door. i clung to him like a monkey, and i couldn't stop crying. there was so much yelling. so many angery words. as a kid, i thought they were angery with me. my father drove slowly for home, and half way there he stopped. "Taylor" he said softly, turning to look at me. "Yes Daddy" i replyed. "Please don't tell your mom." and a week later, my father killed himslef at a house he was renting. at the wake, Endy was there, he looked me in the eye and said, "You killed your dad. this is your fault"
the next abuse happened when i was 12. it was summer, and it was two guys older then me. they didnt like how well adjusted i was, so the decided to break my spirit. the tyed me to a pole in a basement, and left me there for two days. and in those two days they did horrible things to me. things that i can still feel wheni close my eyes. they would tell me they were going to kill me, and they would have if there brother hadn't heard them talking about what they had done and saved me.
I am now 16, and i am a wreck. i cant eat i cant sleep i cant breath and i cant trust. the only good thing inmy life is my bf and that is a blessing from God himself. my family still doesnt know any of what happened, or why i blame myself for my fathers death. i dont know what to do now. im so lost. i live only for my friends. ive tryed cutting, ive tryed to kill myself, i tryed smoking, and there is nothing. i fought so hard to stop the cutting and smoking and i can proudly say i havent cut in three months :) but the smoking is harder ti kick, but im still trying. please tell me what i can do to move on, cuz i im almost ready to give up on this world. i miss my dad so much, and i know nothing about him. the only memorys i have of him is him leaveing and then him in his coffin. please help me
I was 5 years old. my dad was suppose to be watching me. and so he drove over to Endys house. it was a rainy day, and i remeber it like it was yesterday. it was in March. i was tired and he was carrying me. as he was putting me down on his couch, i guess i talked in my sleep. no one ever told me what i said, but as my dad said goodbye to me he looked at me differently. it was maybe an hour before he came back. he was always gone for along time, like 3-4 hours at a time. and Endy had me pinned in the bed. i knew that it was no use to scream, but something told me to, so i did. i screamed. no a wordless scream. i screamed for my dad like i did when i was having nightmares. the next thing i knew he came crashing thro the door. i clung to him like a monkey, and i couldn't stop crying. there was so much yelling. so many angery words. as a kid, i thought they were angery with me. my father drove slowly for home, and half way there he stopped. "Taylor" he said softly, turning to look at me. "Yes Daddy" i replyed. "Please don't tell your mom." and a week later, my father killed himslef at a house he was renting. at the wake, Endy was there, he looked me in the eye and said, "You killed your dad. this is your fault"
the next abuse happened when i was 12. it was summer, and it was two guys older then me. they didnt like how well adjusted i was, so the decided to break my spirit. the tyed me to a pole in a basement, and left me there for two days. and in those two days they did horrible things to me. things that i can still feel wheni close my eyes. they would tell me they were going to kill me, and they would have if there brother hadn't heard them talking about what they had done and saved me.
I am now 16, and i am a wreck. i cant eat i cant sleep i cant breath and i cant trust. the only good thing inmy life is my bf and that is a blessing from God himself. my family still doesnt know any of what happened, or why i blame myself for my fathers death. i dont know what to do now. im so lost. i live only for my friends. ive tryed cutting, ive tryed to kill myself, i tryed smoking, and there is nothing. i fought so hard to stop the cutting and smoking and i can proudly say i havent cut in three months :) but the smoking is harder ti kick, but im still trying. please tell me what i can do to move on, cuz i im almost ready to give up on this world. i miss my dad so much, and i know nothing about him. the only memorys i have of him is him leaveing and then him in his coffin. please help me
Im not far in my healing. When i was your age i cut alot and was very promiscuious. Now i avoid relationships altogether. Have you ever talked to your mom? Is there someone close and trustworthy you feel comfortable talking to? Getting a good counselor especially now, while youre still young might be helpful.
And here of course are wonderful caring people who will gladly help when they can!
You did not kill your Daddy. He chose to end is life. If anyone else was responsible, it was Endy. You were just an innocent child.
The latter abuse is dreadful. You have endured so much more in your short years than many endure in a lifetime.
But none of this was your fault. You have been so brave posting this and I'm proud of you. But, please, get professional help. You really would benefit.
Byron Katie is a spiritual guide; her questions below may help you get those voices out of your head.
She suggests you write down your stressful thoughts--in your case, one major stressful thought was planted in your mind by your perpetrator when he looked you in the eye and said, "You killed your dad. This is your fault."
I believe it was his way of making sure you never told anyone of his abuse. Believing you killed your dad would certainly keep you silent.
After you've written down your stressful thoughts you are to ask the questions below for each one of them.
1. Is it true?
Is the thought you're telling yourself true? Survivors believe all kinds of negative things to be true about themselves. But all those things MUST be questioned.
So, if you say "yes", or if you say "no" that what you're telling yourself is true or not, then you are to write down three specific** examples of why its true or not true.
The reality is that your father made a choice to kill himself. He, alone is responsible for that decision.
Another reality is that it was Endy who wounded you and betrayed your dad's trust. But rather than face that he planted his guilt and shame on you, the innocent child.
2. When you're thinking that thought, or telling yourself that story, how does this make your body respond--what is your physical response to your belief. Again, be specific.
3. Who would you be without the thought? Specifically, who do believe you would be?
4. Write a turnaround statement to your original thought or story. That is, what will you tell yourself in order to replace the old thought or story? Use that turnaround statement every time you find yourself thinking those negative thoughts.
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**When you write down SPECIFIC thoughts, stronger neural connections are forged in your brain which is the point of this practice--to build new neural connections that are strong, healthy, and life-enhancing.
These new neural pathways will eventually replace those old neural pathways that trap survivors in the dysfunctional beliefs, experiences and dogma they learned as children.
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Another resource for help is Covenant House Nine-Line. It is a 24-hour national hot line for teens. Their number is 800/ 999-9999.
Healing from sexual abuse, to my knowledge, does not happen on its own. You will have to work at it. Educate yourself on the impact of abuse and start looking for the tools that will help you heal.
Calling the Covenant House and talking to a therapist is one way. Doing the Byron writing is another. But there are many more. Your job will be to find the ways that lead you to a great life.
xx
SuzA