Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
So ive thaght about doing this for a while ... and maybe it would be good for me to write down and publicly post my story so.... im shakeing but hear it is
My story starts when I was six years old My life changed forever my family broke apart and it was so confusing i was the youngest out of three children my everyone in the family loved me and i loved them often I was told that " I copleated our family". Even then Iloved to make them all laugh I was outgoing and silly and i felt it was my resposibility ... but then it all changed and seemed as thoue nothing I could do would make anyone smile then when my mom told my dad to "get his shit and leave " I was a daddys girl and once it sunk in i was devistated I remember being confused and feeling selfish cause all i could thing was no one will love me anymore this stuck with me. When it came to the point of who I had to choos who to live with I couldent choose and just let went with mom becuse I knew i was hurting them I am always hurting people. Soon mom decided it would be a good idiea for me to stay with my dad fore a bit while she found a place to move thats when the abuse started and my life went to hell.
It wasent long before the mental abuse started dad would threten to kill himself if I did anything to displeas him he had me convinced my mother and siblings didnt want me didnt love me, i was responsible for his emotions. I loved my dad i obeyd him he was controling I had to keep my Apperancehow he wanted it. When I was seven my my cousins would come over they would rape me my dad would allow them infact he would leave the room and ingnore my screams for help I remember now Screaming for me to help me to save me and my daddy just walked away becuse i would later find out he traded my body for items.... this contunued till I was 11 or twelve it only stoped becuse I gained weight alot of it my father still watched me sleep um into my 16th birthday then i moved many more things happend than i have time to write
now hear I am ...I dont trust people ecpecally men the only exepton is my husbend and even then i always worry about when it will all end im a messand i cant even be angry with my father for it ...
-
I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
-
Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
First of all, all kids are selfish and think the world revolves around them. That's not a moral choice, it's a developmental stage. It's perfectly normal and inevitable for kids to feel this way.
The lack of trust you feel is also normal given what you've been through. When your parents divorce (as mine did too) you feel that your world has been shattered. The family that was your world has gone, and suddenly nothing can be trusted to stay the same.
And then, to have the father you loved abandon you first physically and then emotionally, and to find out he values whatever he got in exchange for your torture above you, is to really devastate your idea of what love is.
I was surprised to discover that there is something called a "fantasy bond". You think you have a special connection with someone (in my case it was my elder brother) and it turns out it's some kind of trick your mind has played on you to cope with the abuse.
I can understand that between your father manipulating your emotions, your mother sending you to live with your father, and all the terrible things that happened to you, it is not possible for you to trust people right now.
I think that in time you will learn to trust yourself, and it will be easier to trust others. When you understand the ways you were manipulated and the normal ways your mind and emotions responded to all the things that happened, you will come to realize that you are not bad or guilty and you never will. Then it will become easier for you to accept and love yourself, and easier to understand that others accept and love you too.
I know I said this on another post and I'm sorry I can't remember the answer, but I think it's important to have a therapist or counselor who is experienced in dealing with sexual abuse and incest. So many things that you think and feel are completely normal for survivors of this kind of abuse. You might also think about reading some books about it. The classic is "Courage to Heal."
Scott