Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hello,
In 1982 my world forever changed. My sister was engaged to a guy that I thought was nice. It started with him touching me, than he would just expose his naked parts in mine and my little sisters face. He would take every opportunity to do this. He would stay over and come into our rooms. It continued and my sister married him. I didn't tell anyone for a couple of years. I finally told my parents and they chose to do nothing, I guess it was easier this way. Mean while my sister and I have to sit across a table with him at every family function still to this day. My older sister still has no idea and this is 40 years later. My mother and father never asked any of the details ever. I told a family friend that told them. They chose not to disclose to my older sister. I feel like my life has been a lie as I have this secret. I just want peace and want people to not judge me because I don't have a relationship with my older sister. I am tried of the lie. I want to after 40 years to tell my sister, my nephew who is getting married soon and will have a family of his own. Him having children and being exposed to his father scares me. I can't get past the trauma and I can't forgive. I don't want a relationship with my older sister either. I know she doesn't know but I just have this resentment towards her. I want to tell her want happened but my younger sister who it also happened too is afraid of our brother in law. She thinks he will hurt us. So I'm struggling with what to do? Should I just tell everyone the truth or should I be afraid of what he might do?? He is a nasty man. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. I was 14 and my sister was 10 when this started.
Keeping a secret sin under wraps can cause extreme damage for those keeping the secrets. I too was a secret keeper of sexual abuse. My sister was abused by our dad when she was 15 years old, she told me in confidence so that someone in the family would believe her and be on her side. Our mother never knew of the abuse. I did and it was my job to protect my older sister from our dad! Fast forward 30+ years and our family was torn apart in every which way possible and the secret sin was eating at my soul. My mother, in my opinion, needed to know why our family was so torn and tattered. I set up an appointment with them to reveal my sister's abuse to our mother and the secret that I complied with keeping all these years, yet knew in my heart that just like a cancer, it would grow to no good over time as it already had.
The meeting did not go well. Our dad fessed up, acted like a child in anger over me revealing something he intended to be kept secret til he died. My mother was shocked, yet forgave him quickly... co-dependent....over the next 8 years our relationship was still bad and rocky, but at least the truth was out and we could all move on in truth instead of a big lie. Through ALOT of prayer and forgiveness, finally... after the death of my sister who was abused by my dad (7.5 years living with a terminal cancer diagnosis) now I can finally say my relationship with my parents is much better. There seems to be healing, some form of restoration and moving forward.
Why tell you all this? It's literally what you are contemplating doing. I just wanted to tell you a real life story. There was a WHOLE lot of forgiveness, prayer and just plain trusting God that He would work all things out.
I guess my other question is what do you hope to gain by revealing this? Is your younger sister in agreement that the truth should come out? You say you don't want a relationship with your older sister and are scared of your BIL. Perhaps if you have a relationship with your nephew, maybe just focus on building good relations with him and his wife. I honestly don't know what to tell you but to give my story of what happened and knowing there was "carnage" with the truth, yet, the truth finally came out. It's like ripping a bandage off an old wound that has grown into the bandage, it REALLY hurts and bleeds at first, then it has to begin the whole healing process all over again.
For me and my sister who was abused, we chose to forgive him years and years ago therefore releasing the bitterness, pain and heartache over it all and still have somewhat of a civil communication with both our parents. I highly recommend forgiveness simply because it's healthy and necessary for you to do so. Not because he deserves it, but you deserve to begin the process of not hating him and feeling all the ugly feelings when you do see or hear about him. I'm truly sorry that you both have gone through all this, it's very assaulting and awful on so many levels. I pray you find the peace that you are looking for.
My mother is still with us and my sister and I have told her we are going to tell my older sister what happened. We weren't entirely sure she would back us up. However if she, wouldn't then I think my sister and I decided we would have to cut our relationship with our mother. My mother to this day thinks it's no big deal and doesn't know what my problem is. She is a selfish person and I will never get what I need from her. I am going to counselling because this demon has affected my life. I need to move on and have some peace.
I think what I am hoping for in telling this secret is peace. I am tired of maintaining a lie. I am tired of sitting across the dinner table from him and having the sickening feeling all the time. I am tired of looking like I'm the bad one. When someone asks me about my sister and I have the deer in the headlights look, I no longer have to lie about why I don't have a relationship with her.
I currently do not have a relationship with her so I feel like I have nothing to lose. My mom on the other hand might! This will probably affect her relationship she has with my older sister and she might resentment me for it. But I can't worry anymore about how everyone else feels. I need to do this for me and my peace of mind.
I certainly can not even imagine forgiving him. He took away something from both of us.
Forgiveness is not about the other people deserving it, it's about you, and not allowing the anger and hurt and pain to live in your body and in your life. It's about not letting the anger and pain you feel mold you into someone you don't want to be. When you forgive someone you're really taking back what they took from you. And ultimately if the justice system failed you and if your family failed you, God's got you. Nothing is going to get passed him and they have to answer to him for the hurt they have caused you. For me personally, forgiving my sister and the perpetrators allowed me to be able to let go of the anger and hurt I felt, and really helped me to break the version of myself I was becoming but did not want to be. Also too speaking about it also helped and telling others helped. Living in truth is the best freedom you could have, Again for me and my experience I dealt with denial and acting like I was okay and that nothing every happened. But once I started to talk about it and tell others, overcoming denial, allowed me to be able to start my healing process. I've learned that you can't overcome or heal from something without fully acknowledging it. Just remember that voice is powerful and your story is powerful, and that you can and will get through this.
Also, if it helps I just started a private Facebook group called Conquerors over sexual assault , if you want to join! I hope this helps! You will get through this!