I am glad to read that you don't want to force him to talk about it because I can't imagine that would be good for either of you. It has been my experience as a survivor (I am female) that I needed to go through the healing process on my own and in my own time. I did not include my husband in any part of the healing process except to get comforting hugs from him.

It must be hard for you to not be able to help him but it is his choice on whether or not he includes you in his healing process. Has your husband asked for help in healing from the abuse? Has he worked with a therapist? Is his silence and lack of working on healing coming between the two of you? Have you thought of working with a therapist on your own so you have someone to talk to about all of this?

Since I do not know your husband it is difficult to know what he is thinking but there are common things that happen when a person was sexually abused as a child:
-They don't want to talk about it because of shame
-They don't want to talk about it because secrets, lies and threats surround the abuse. Most of us were threatened in order to keep the secret.
-There is a tremendous amount of guilt because many of us feel we could have done something to stop the abuse but didn't
-There is a tremendous amount of anger because we were treated so badly.
-There are feelings of betrayal, hurt and fear. So much fear and terror its indescribable.

My brother was also sexually abused by a male and it added a level of fear about being gay. I have heard this is common among boys who were abused by men but I'm sure it doesn't affect every boy this way so your husband may or may not have this added to the mix.

In the end, he needs you to support him in whatever he decides. If he decides he is not ready to work on healing then please support him. If he does want to begin his healing process and does not want to include you in it, please support that too. But also please find support for yourself - here on DS, with friends or with your own therapist. Even if he decides to heal alone it does not mean that you have to.

Take care

Yes, he's told me that struggles with gay thoughts sometimes. But I know he's far from gay. He feels guilty because he didn't stop it from happening. He hasn't asked for any help or worked with a therapist. He just wants to forget about it. I would say that it is coming between us because I believe it's the root behind some of his problems and the depression he feels. I have thought about talking to a therapist, but not a serious thought.

its very common to have gay thoughts fantasies or even act them out, when a male is a victim of sexual abuse by another male. its also very common for them and any abuse victim to feel guilt.
this is going to sound nasty but it is what it is.. truth of the matter is that sexual stimulation feels good. its not something that can be avoided .. i mean as long as its done right and not brutally or hard or whatever term youd use to describe sexual activities that physically hurt you...
i was 5 my first time. .. there wasnt a lot of touching of me, more me touching and doing things to him.. so there was no stimulation for me at all. but the guilt was and is there for not stopping him. i knew even at 5 not knowing anything about sex, that it was wrong. i think its because he was my family and at the time my gaurdian, and i trusted in him and i was confused .
the second time i was 8 , and even though again i knew it was wrong, there was stimulation , so i went back seeking it again.. i dont know how many times but at least a few. because it felt good.
its not my fault that it felt good, it just is . and when i wasnt being touched by the man, i was getting caught by my mother acting it out alone or with dolls...
third time 13, but there was absolutely no stimulation then either.. woke up in the middle of it, jumped out of the tent i was sleeping in , ran to a pay phone and called the cops
so its different in every case.. and when its a family member and your a young child, some part of u learns to believe that this is what love is, because of course, your family member surely loves you right?
so we get our views on sex and love twisted.
if he doesnt want to talk and he just wants to forget, its best not to bring it up.
address the things that are coming between you but on a different level and without bringing up the abuse...
maybe u could lead him... like " i am feeling..... about the way your acting or talking or whatever the behavior is,. Can you please tell me why your acting , talking, whatever the way he is".... maybe he can think about it for a minute and feel, determine where the behavior or feelings hes experiencing are rooted... and if he does pin point it, maybe he can work to change those behaviors by understanding what feelings will be sparked by certain situations.. u know what i mean?
and if it is the abuse , maybe he can also recognize that and then u can get a foot in the door and ask him if there is anything u can do to help.
truth is, i have been through several years and different types of treatments, and have worked very hard on my own as well, trying to resolve my issues and things that i do and feel as a result of my abuse, I mean , i feel basically like my entire life has been destroyed, and i continue to sabotage it as a result of all my abusers, but nothing , i mean nothing, has helped me get past it.. nothing helps the nightmares when they come and the flashbacks i have so often,, so maybe nothing can help him
i am only speaking for me. not for anyone else or general victims.. i have no idea what others have found or not to help them

good luck i hope he finds contentment

Roxy246 - The body is designed to react a certain way when touched a certain way. When a child is sexually abused they, at some point, will become aroused by the touch and will often have an orgasm. Since a child does not understand sex, and their first introduction to it is in the form of abuse, they mistake the pleasure of arousal and orgasm as enjoying the abuse. As the child grows and starts to understand more they understand that they are being abused and therefore should NOT be aroused by it. This creates a tremendous amount of conflict for the child that they try to understand on their own - and often conclude that they must enjoy abuse if they become aroused by it. For boys who are abused by men there is a second logical (logical only to the child) conclusion and that is that they must be gay if they are aroused by other males. This is not true though. All it means is that his body was touched a certain way and it reacted a certain way. This is something that many (probably all) of us struggle with and it takes time to reverse this thinking.

I am sure he just wants to forget about it - we all do. Unfortunately it has a way of sticking around until you actually deal with it. But he has to be ready to deal with it because it's not easy to heal from sexual abuse (or any abuse for that matter). The shame he feels will likely keep him from a therapists office but hopefully not forever.

Maybe you could suggest that he read some of the stories here on DS? There are men here who have been abused by men so he will see that he is not alone. I know of one male here who I know would be willing to write in private messages with your husband if you could get him to join DS. But that is a decision your husband needs to make for himself. It really can not be forced.

For yourself, I would suggest you do think about seeing a therapist on your own so you can have someone to talk to during all of this. When a child is abused it affects everyone in that child's life - even when that child becomes an adult. Finding a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse may be able to help you understand more and also help you to work with your husband. But most important is that you get the support you need right now because right now you are the one who is willing to get help and support.

Take care

Well said lucky. Basically what I was trying to say in a less harsh way I guess .

Thank You. I will wait until he brings it up to suggest things.