Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
My abusers were male. They were trusted males. One was my brother and the other was his friend. I remember feeling horribly betrayed, like something in me just broke. After the final act of abuse in which he attempted to rape me and drown me I finally told my mom, who told my father. My father offered up another act of betrayal. He accused me of lying. He drove me to my abusers house and made me apologize for making up horrible lies.
Here I am many years later having days when in my heart I believe all men are psychopaths, that they are incapable of feeling human emotions, that they simply think with their dicks and *that* brain is way smaller than they think it is. Some days there is some pretty raw hatred. Unfortunately because of my early abuse I ended up choosing men in my adult life that would reinforce my unfair assessments of men.
For the last few years I have been content on my own but lately I have been feeling lonely. I miss being held, snuggled, kissed. I miss having someone care about meor at least the hope of someone caring about me. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss knowing that I am not alone in this world. Im terrified its too late for me.
I spend hours a day slipping into a fantasy world like I did when I was a kid because the fantasy world is safer and I am normal and lovable. To come out of this made up world is like the sun burning my eyes on a bright day.
Here I am many years later having days when in my heart I believe all men are psychopaths, that they are incapable of feeling human emotions, that they simply think with their dicks and *that* brain is way smaller than they think it is. Some days there is some pretty raw hatred. Unfortunately because of my early abuse I ended up choosing men in my adult life that would reinforce my unfair assessments of men.
For the last few years I have been content on my own but lately I have been feeling lonely. I miss being held, snuggled, kissed. I miss having someone care about meor at least the hope of someone caring about me. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss knowing that I am not alone in this world. Im terrified its too late for me.
I spend hours a day slipping into a fantasy world like I did when I was a kid because the fantasy world is safer and I am normal and lovable. To come out of this made up world is like the sun burning my eyes on a bright day.
I'm also so sorry you feel lonely. It is so hard to trust people after all the betrayal. That I understand. I think most people here will understand betrayal and not being able to trust others. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful loving husband who understands what I can and can not do. I hope you find your perfect someone soon.
You are not totally alone. We are all here for you.
You were betrayed on the deepest levels by men in your lives, men who should have protected and sheltered you. And your feelings toward men due to that betrayal is totally understandable. I truly hate that you have had to go through such, as you seem a warm and kind-hearted person.
But I do hope you give some men a pass - I agree, many men are just dicks on legs, but there are also some women we could all live without also. But this doesn't mean that all men or women should be dismissed because of the ones that are not decent people in general. Gender does not dictate the quality of one's heart. It takes time and courage to allow others into our lives, regardless of their gender - and for survivors, fear of continued or repeated pain is a genuine concern.
But please know that the benefits of finding a good partner are well worth the pain and fear you may have to endure to locate them. I remember that when I was younger, I was attracted to men that were most likely to become abusive or were definitely abusive to begin with - as bad as it sounds, I felt comfortable with these type of men as I had already built my expectations around just that type of relationship. In time, with the help of a really great counselor, I realized that what I thought was attraction was really just a contentment with old habits. I later found a really decent, rather quiet and peaceful soul that I spent 21 years with - and they were mostly really good years. But that relationship ended and I found I was lonely again. Then I met my current partner and have found an even better match - not out of luck, but because I realized that I had learned to identify traits of abusers and when I initially met them. they may have seemed "exciting" or "intriguing", but this again was my old voice talking back, trying to get me into the bad habits of the past. I learned I could say "no" to this little voice and keep looking for a man that was perhaps not my "first choice". When I found him, I knew. We have been together for 6 years now and they have been years of growth and promise for us both. I pray that you also can find someone to share your life with - two people laughing together is so much more fun, and hard times are easier to endure when shared.
All my best, keep working and do not give up - what other option do you have besides being lonely?
Wishing you a better tomorrow and everyday after!
Refuse2quit
My first husband was prone to angry outbursts and general meanness much like my father but he added physical abuse and gambling addiction to the mix. 2 weeks after I left him I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter. I decided I should "do the right thing" and go back to him. I was planning on having the baby and I believed ( and still do) that fathers have rights so I would have to be involved with him anyway. So I gave it a shot. My daughter was 4 years old before I finally got away from him. The day I gave up totally on that relationship was the day he came home at lunch time and went ballistic because there were crumbs on the table from my daughter's lunch. He was shoving me and choking me. He saw me look at the phone so he ripped it out of the wall. Then he picked up our little girl and told me if I didn't stop crying he would throw her out the second story window. At that moment I felt a healthy amount of burning rage. I did stop crying. A few months later I had made the plans to leave and had back up help if needed.
I was with my second husband about 6 years. He died 3 weeks before our first wedding anniversary. He was a significant improvement over my first husband but there were some issues there that I am still working out. Some days I miss him, some days I hate him.
Logically I KNOW there are good men out there but I'm still scared I guess. Yes, I agree that there are some pretty nasty women out there too. Douchebaggery does not discriminate.
I'm not sure what triggered my mood and original post but today is a better one. It helps that I work with 3 pretty nice men.
Thanks again!
more recently in forgiving women (because of narcissistic and abusive mother and ex friends)
However, I do know one thing.... no one is ever meant to be alone. Love comes, whether it is self love, some sort of "spiritual love" or a real, lasting love.
I found this love twice in my life; both times I had to let it go.
The first time, in the heart of the most beautiful and brave woman i had ever met, who treated me with every kindness the men in the world could not. She had to move away, but she is forever in my heart.
Next time, was a man... I couldn't believe I could love a man, not after everything. But he was in every way as kind, wonderful and amazing as she was. Cancer took him away a few years ago.
Still... I believe with all my heart, we are innocent, wonderful beings. (even though sometimes I lose sight of it too!)... I still believe there is a good and right love out there and it will find you.
Most of all right now though... I believe the most important thing is to find yourself a place where you feel safe, wanted and loved, even if just by you... because, that was the start to a whole new life for me.
I am never going to say things are always perfect... but... I have no intention of ever being hurt again. I was defenseless then, but never, ever again and that innocence and beauty is always ours. All they did was hide it from us...