BACKSTORY

This is a very long story.... But it has recently resurfaced ... 

I was a single mother of 2 kids (who had absent fathers) may daughter was 3 and my son was 1. I met a man who I thought had came to save me and my kids and give us a better life. I married this man and he took on my kids like they were his very own. 

I soon realized that the man I married had some childhood trauma that he struggled with. As a result I began to deal with a lot of mental ,verbal and later physical abuse. My children witnessed it all and were exposed to so much. I suffered in silence, put on a smile for family and friends for over 8 years. 

Throughout these years he still remained active with the kids , and appeared to be a bit hard on them, but appeared to love them and treat them well. Midway our marriage we had our first child together ( my son). 

Ultimately the marriage didn't sustain, after he held me at gunpoint for receiving a call from a male... I immediately moved out and became a single parent of 3!! He was angry as usual and we would end up in court several times before coming up with a agreement on visitation ( he still treated my kids like they were his very own) .. 

"WHEN IT ALL HIT THE FAN"

once I separated from ex husband I was finally out the fogge(no more abuse , just at peace  of mind ,me and my kids) , I began to notice my daughter very detached. She was in middle school and already had a diagnosis of ADD . Her grades were slipping, constant calls from teachers that she wasn't completing any work she sitting in class staring in space and just disassociated . My daughter was a gymnast at the time and even with threats of removing her from the team she still was having the same problems. I assumed that the divorce was taking a toll on her and enrolled her in therapy. Therapy was a success she would steal go spend every other weekend with her stepfather and things had began to level out. 

I WAS INFORMED ABOUT 4 MONTHS INTO THERAPY THAT MY DAUGHTER (12)  , HAD BEEN MOLESTED  AND SODOMIZED BY HER STEP DAD FROM THE AGES OF 6 -9. life as I knew it had shattered and I was hurt confused and had so much rage and anger. If I'm not anything else I have always tried to protect my kids. and that day I felt like a complete failure.... as I had started to think back on her behaviors , I can say I missed the signs .. sometimes I would be going to the grocery store and she would beg to go but , in fairness of not taking all three I would leave her home with what I now know to be the predator.  

CPS immediately got involved , a saftey order was placed for all 3 kids, a forensic interview occured and my daughter couldn't give complete details as if she would teleport elsewhere she could only give them bits and pieces over the 3 year span. After it was all said and done he fled the state before they could even bring him in for a interview., he had claimed to lawyered up ( and has never seen or spoken to my kids since 2019). On the criminal side the detectives said that wanted to give her time in therapy to regain some memories before they took it to court,and they have never been consistent on following up , plus they claim they can't find him. on the CPS side he was found guilty and registered as a level 2 sex offender... 

This process all occured in 2019 , and as a mother I have continually had my child in trauma therapy , then back to normal therapy and a psychiatrist because she at 16 now suffers with eating disorder, anxiety, severe depression, panic attacks , PTSD and OCD. I also had homocidal ideations and practically lost my mind, with several attempts to take matters in my own hands, to leave my kids parentless... I too have been in a very aggressive therapy and in the beginning was on antipsychotic to tx my mental health that was exacerbated by this traumatic event ( My son was in therapy but claims he knew nothing and denies it ever happened to him, I'm not sure if I believe him) .. Since this was discovered when she was 12 she has had ups and downs .  She Has always been a loner. She really struggles with sustaining relationships with anyone , very detached and disconnected... but she loves working and making money and does ok in school. Has very few friends and will find any reason to cut them off... I recently found out that her eating disorder is worsening and depression is out of control as she refuses to take medication. She sleeps excessively, doesn't want to leave her room, not eating  etc...  I thought we had overcame this thing !! But with these symptoms resurfacing I have been forced to rip the Bandaid off myself and deal with the things I had left in the past.. I can't seem to forgive myself for what I didn't know! I didn't protect her and ultimately, I can't forgive him!! Are we ever really healed from trauma or is it a never ending cycle? 

I know I rambled on and I forgot a lot ... im just reaching out to talk to people who will understand, because tho I have family and friends, I just feel so misunderstood.and I myself have never been molested so I can't begin to say I know how she feels. I hurt for my child , for the innocence that was stolen .. im no longer angry im just full of tears and grief.. I have cried out to God  so many days !!! Please if you are the abused or the parent I would love to hear from you , your perspective... it's been years how do we ever completely just move on?   Btw .. my daughter does not speak about it hasn't told much of anyone and if I don't ask her about it, she would never mention it.. or how she feels about anything actually!!! 

if you have taken the time to read this I Thankyou and appreciate any feedback good or bad, as long as your respectful! 

Thankyou!!!!!!