Hi, I'm a 46 yo male recovering alcoholic. I'm posting all over DS because I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired; I'm posting here because a therapist recently legitimized my suspicion that my untreated sex abuse issues (babysitter when I was 9-10) may also be at the root of the problem I'm describing here. My father died last year and it seemed to have set off a manic episode moving me from a primarily depressed person to bipolar type 2. Looking back at my history with mood swings, I realized that I have been back and forth for far longer than I realized and what I was calling depression with low self esteem/motivation has really been manic thoughts followed by a swing to depression which renders my motivation ineffective. It also accounts for all the half finished projects in my life and taking nearly 20 years to finish a 4 year degree only to find I couldn't handle the stress of the occupation I went to school for (teaching high school math.) If this is true, i'm extremely hopeful. Even though the "manic" thoughts are usually unobtainable, it would be nice to know that I may actually be able to put some of my ideas into action, or at the very least, decide on a course of action with my life and stick to it. I have spend most of my life trying to do things and then beating myself up for not finishing them and being told "you just gotta stick with it" and other such platitudes. I'm sure there is some legitimate self-sabotage issues going on, but after working so hard for so long with cognitive therapy and neuro-linguistic reprogramming I still ended up relapsing and going on a complete manic hayride that resulted in nearly ending my marriage and destroying my standing in the community Since there is the element of "sexual indiscretions" pretty much guaranteeing I will never teach in my county again. I'm a creative person but my "condition" be it self-sabotage due to low self-esteem or a mood disorder keeps me from enjoying any success that may result from said creativity. I guess I'm looking for a warm fire on a cold winter's night.