You could have not explin this better, I FEEL THE SAME WAY !
OMG

Imho it's fine to explore your thoughts and feelings here. There is no required threshold of suffering.

You have only recently - within the last few days - decided to look at what happened to you as a rape instead of something consensual so I think it's normal that now you want to back out of that decision. Believe it or not, we all do that. To say it out loud and believe it .... means it's true and it really did happen and that is very scary. Please give yourself time to absorb this and then evaluate if you want to stay here or not. You can leave any time you want - no one can hold you here - but I hope you will stay.

Yes you were right, it needs time to absorb this. also to believe it.
i want to get rid of the doubts about how i reacted, and of the question if this is still rape if i reacted like this. i think i will always doubt. so im thinking its probably more healthy not to ask myself anymore.

yesterday i told a friend, just needed to and then kind of happened. when i was telling her, all the feelings came up and it was difficult to tell. these feelings finally made it all real, like I realized in that moment that it was for a reason to think for such a long time about it.
now im doubting again. this overthinking of the situation really isnt good for me and maybe its better just to do things and keep myself busy?
when is it better to go to a counsellor?
the last one coudnt help me much, i still had doubts like before. whereas the talk with my friend helped more, but this is too private and can be disturbing, and i want to protect the friendship...

First, I would just like to say that I feel that your writing volume is nothing for you to worry about. They only way I could see anyone getting mad at your for writing would be if you wrote the same thing almost everyday. Other than that, please write. We are here to help you and I also hope that you stay with us. :-)

Second, as a non-raped (I believe), male on this forum, I feel that I have a unique perspective to offer you. I respect ALL women 100%. I am curious to know what you mean by men not respecting you 100%. I would appreciate you elaborating on that.

Third, as a sexually open minded individual and someone that is slightly enlightened in the psychology of sexual assault and its victims, I can tell you that when you think back to your experience and you feeling like you may have liked it, I can tell you that you are not weird or strange or crazy. I've heard of assault (and non-assault) victims fantasizing about it. Fantasy and reality are very different places and healthy people know that. There is a big difference between two consenting adults acting out a fantasy and someone actually being sexually assaulted.

I feel like my wife could elaborate more on this subject and I will try to have her comment. Love & Hugs

thankyou a lot for your reply. :)
yes, feelings dont lie.. it is just that the only time they seem real is when i talked to someone. otherwise just depressed, confused and doubting.
how can i ever get rid of the doubts??
I think that I didn't care in that moment about myself.. So I have to forgive myself.. and i didnt care what happened, like i didnt feel a no or yes.. after i woke up and noticed that he assaulted me i juat did what he wanted for some time.. i didnt really think or feel what i want.. i couldnt make up my mind really. until i had a will and then stopped that. so that means before i didnt mind it..... this is the part with what i am struggling so much. I dont know if i can only blame him :/

what i meant about the respect was, that when im feeling bad again and my mind goes crazy, i cant really dream of having a respectful man in the future-like i dont want one who is respecting me 100%. and what i imagine is more someone like the man who assaulted/raped me.. in some point i felt like i was in love with him. with him i felt the most love, and loved until now. completely understood and noticed. maybe these thoughts are me 'romanticizing' what he did.
but im aware that these thoughts change back to normal when im distracting myself and dont think about the things of the past for some time..

Saying the words out loud is very healing. There are times when I take my positive self talk from inside my head to actually saying it out loud. Hearing the words DOES make a difference. Add to that someone who is listening compassionately and you have the perfect situation for healing to happen.

Now that you have told us about what happened and talked to a friend it seems to me it is time for you to talk to a therapist about what happened. It sounds to me like you are ready now. :-)

yes it can only help i guess. even if i sometimes think this is not enough what happened, still everyone has a right to ask for help. i hope the counsellor will be clear and doesnt find my behaviour or reactions too weird :)

You're very welcome.

I think LE is right about saying things out loud. My wife has a hard time saying she was raped or that she was a victim out loud (although she is slowly getting better). I see many similarities in your situation and my wife's.

I think that it is human nature to question reality in general. Everyone doubts themselves. Everyone. I would think that it is common for people, especially people that have been abused in some way, to occasionally not care about themselves from time to time. But, I don't feel it is really their fault. I believe that it is the abuse that has trained them to feel that way. My wife has told me that she feels like two people: the one who is submissive and doesn't want to hurt her abusers feelings and wants to make him happy, and the one that realizes what happened and wants desperately to escape. So, I somewhat understand your struggle and feelings of wanting to partially blame yourself. But, you have to remember that you can't blame yourself.

Again, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. You can find someone who shares your complimentary fantasy, but who also respects you. The love you felt with him was forced love. It was manipulated love. Perverted love. Fake. Like my wife and feeling like she is two people. I do believe that you are romanticizing what happened to you as a defense mechanism.

I believe that a therapist can better help you through these feelings that you are having. Please update us on your progress and share your healing wisdom. Love & Hugs

I totally understand what you are going through. I was victimized by someone that I thought was one of my closest friends. He did things to me so often that I eventually got used to it and even liked it. Don't feel like you don't belong. I felt the same way the first time I posted and I was overwhelmed by the positive response I got from people. Everyone reacts different to things. Just because your body responds positively doesn't mean you asked for it or wanted it to happen.

thankyou you two, what you are writing is so helpful. it feels good to be understood even in such a weird and wrong thing.
thats a good way to put it, to feel like two people. part of me knew that it wasnt good for me and this part wanted to save me. but the other part just outweighed; i just wanted to be loved and that was more dominant than everything else. although i was loved by my family and friends but it wasnt enough. i thought also after he assaulted me that he could make it up to me, that by getting his love he could make it all good again. i often felt like a child, then, this sounds strange but it was like this.
yes ill share my progress when i find some help. great support here!
:)