Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Ive struggled over the years with alternately feeling like a victim and wondering if I'm over reacting. I'm 29, when I was 12 I went to a family reunion without my parents, who couldn't afford to take the trip. My uncle took me and my sister with him and his two young daughters. I have a very large family, including people from my mothers step siblings side so there were a lot of people I'd never met who aren't technically even related to me. On the first day I met my step uncles half brother who was 26. He flirted with me and acted shocked that I was only 12. He was so genuine and everyone adored him. He treated me like an adult and we ended up spending a lot of time alone together. We were on an island where only golf carts are driven and it started out with him driving us around and talking, he started putting his hand on my thigh. He asked me if it was okay and I said yes, I felt flattered, I didn't see anything wrong with it until years later. Long story short he taught me to use my hand to get him off, kissed me, fondled me. He asked me to give him a blowjob, but I was too embarrassed. I spent a week with him and like I said I didn't realize there was anything wrong with all of that until years later when I was an adult. I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a victim. Well he didn't rape you, goes through my head all the time. I've finally decided to contact him, for some kind of closure, but he hasn't responded back.
There's also no "rule" that says you have to think of yourself as a victim. It's clear that you are still impacted by this as an adult, though, and if you're reaching out about it, it seems like you might be looking for some sort of validation or even "permission" from other survivors to say, "Yeah. You're a victim. It's okay for you to be traumatized over this."
I hope you can reach inside yourself and figure out what you're going through and what you feel about it, and figure out how to cope with whatever that is. It takes time to unpack and sort these things for all of us. What I can say is that if it's still bothering you this much, that should be a pretty clear indication to you that it wasn't the fun, "normal", happy experience he probably led you to believe.
We're always here to listen. I hope someone can help you find the answers. In the meantime, I hope you find the support you need here.