Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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Mrs.Stockholm 03/22/2017

A "friend" of mine aggressively pursued me and took to sexual abuse when I did not show intrest in him. I tried to talk to him and work it out a few times because we had been friends for several years and I thought I could fix it but he didn't stop. I stopped taking to him for a few months but unfortunately let him back in my life and he continued to sexually abuse me. It sounds crazy but I just got used to it. He did it so often, and in such a way, that it became normal. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone and didn't want to change my behavior too much in fear that someone might find out. I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened. It got to the point that I not only got used to it, but welcomed it. He is not a good person, he is not a good friend or father (not my kids thank God) or a good son and I know all of this but I'm still with him and I'm attached despite knowing all of this. I'm not proud of my situation. I'm seeing a therapist to help me brake the attachment but it has not been helpful. This is way more complex than I'm making it out to be, but for the sake of expediency I have shared only the biggest of details. I am lost, I am sad, and I am broken.

donnawanda 03/22/2017

I'm sorry you find yourself in this tough situation. I don't believe you are broken. You must be wounded, but wounds can heal, and so can you.

You call yourself "Mrs. Stockholm" so I guess you're thinking that Stockholm Syndrome plays a role in your situation?

What I'm wondering is, is this situation a replay of something that happened earlier in your life? At what point in your life did you learn that you had to accept abuse - or that sex means abuse - and that you could not remove yourself from the situation? I am wondering if there is a part of you that's trying to work out an earlier situation through this man, or perhaps believes things that might have felt true in the past in relation to another situation but are not true now.

Why are you not able to walk away? Is there something about this situation that you find irresistably compelling? Do you not feel entitled to walk away? Are you too ashamed?

This situation could actually be an opportunity for deep healing of unresolved issues.

47average 03/23/2017

I have been in a relationship with an abuser and got used to it too. I accepted it. I felt like "no" or leaving wasn't an option. In my mind, I even tried to turn it into love and acceptance for me when, in reality, it was a sexually obsessive, abusive "relationship". I have also been in relationships that I KNOW are terrible for me but stayed anyway. I would continue with your therapist even if it doesn't seem successful so far. You deserve to be with a good person that would never push or coerce you. Coercion is NOT love. Sexual obsession is not love. It is selfishness except much worse. I am sure you already know that. I know it can be very hard. I am assuming you don't feel like you have anyone on your team. If you do, reach out to them. Being alone IS better than being in a bad relationship. I wish you all the best in your situation.

47average 03/23/2017

I just want to add that you are clearly feeling very weak and he is preying on the weak which is despicable. It is the epitome of cowardly behavior to prey on the weak. Stay with your therapist. See if you can find some resources to feel stronger so you can leave.

Mrs.Stockholm 03/23/2017

Well, as far as why I feel compelled to stay. As far as I can tell it is just that he had such a dark view of people and I want to help change that for him. He complains that people always abandon him and he constantly wants reassurance that I will stay. I know I can't fix everyone, but I can't help but feel like I should. I have no reason to want to help someone that has caused me so much pain but I can't help it. He doesn't deserve my love but I continue to give it to him despite knowing that. He forced himself between my husband and I and had no regard for anyone but himself and yet here I am trying to help him after all the trouble he has put me and my family through.

donnawanda 03/24/2017

I think this is what's called a "fantasy bond". I used to think I was the only one connecting my abusive older brother to the rest of humanity and that I was his lifeline. I was willing to sacrifice myself to play that role, thinking that he treasured me and he was worth the sacrifice. Eventually I realized he had contempt for me and years later, when I read about the fantasy bond, a lightbulb went off in my head.

Mrs.Stockholm 03/25/2017

I think I will read up on the fantasy bond. I definitely feel like he needs me to help him connect with the rest of the world and I have talked about the fact that I know it's not good for me but I'm willing to sacrifice my own happiness to help him find his.

WallbrownF 03/25/2017

I'm her husband. I'm trying to stay out of this a bit, but I'm here if anyone needs to know anything or wants to know more about my side.

donnawanda 03/25/2017

I think I should have used the expression "trauma bond" though the book I read used the other term.

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Mrs.Stockholm 03/26/2017

This article gave me chills. For me, it fits the feelings prefectly. It was a very interesting read. It would seem this is what is going on and it helps to know that I am not just some pathetic idiot that deserves all of this pain I'm going through. It feels like that most of the time. I guess I just need to try to brake loose now. That feels like a nearly impossible task but I feel likr knowing is half the battle.

WallbrownF 03/26/2017

Knowledge is power. You are not a pathetic idiot and you don't deserve all of this pain. You are a victim who deserves love and compassion and help.

donnawanda 03/27/2017

I'm glad the article helped. Wallbrown is correct: you are just a human, reacting to trauma the way that humans react. You have been a victim but you are also a survivor! Keep moving forward however slowly - you will make it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Mrs.Stockholm 04/04/2017

I was staying with him every night just about and asking "how high" when he said jump but I'm progressing slowly. Down to two or three nights a week and I have actually been getting in him about cleaning up and stuff rather than just doing whatever he asks me. It's slow but I'm making progress and that's something. I just wish it could ask be over but I can't seem to get there. It's like what he did is just floating above my time line, not touching anything. I know it happened, I remember how it made me feel, but I can't apply it to the present.

WallbrownF 04/05/2017

I think part of the disconnection is your psyche protecting itself. The problem is that you have to bring the events back down to your timeline and accept what happen to be able to start healing properly. I have no doubt in my mind that it would be easier for you to bring the events back down and accept them, if you could break free from him. But, that's the problem.

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