Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
**possible trigger**
How do you it? Live day after day with the memories? The flashbacks?
How can I get through a day? When those memories can come unbidden and without warning. In such vividness it's as though I'm there again. Can see, smell, hear, FEEL those horrible things happening to me all over again? Can feel his crushing weight and the stabbing pain.
How do I continue? When for the first 18 years of my life I lived in a house where everything was my fault. All the blame was put on me. I was the reason those things happened. He "had" to rape me. Because I was a "bad girl". I asked for it. I was 5 when it started.
How do I go on? When at the age of 11 he came into my room while I was changing. And was forced to stand there naked when he video taped me. And yelled at me. And laughed at me. And ridiculed me. I cried for help. I begged him to stop. But it never stopped. Why would it this time?
How can I keep living? When these are the only memories of my childhood? When I've believed for so long that they are all my fault. And that I deserved it all.
How do you do it? When the memories overpower you? The guilt and shame overtakes you? Your desire just to leave this all behind makes that blade, that bottle of pills, that gun, that whatever, look o so tempting. How do you do it?
How do you it? Live day after day with the memories? The flashbacks?
How can I get through a day? When those memories can come unbidden and without warning. In such vividness it's as though I'm there again. Can see, smell, hear, FEEL those horrible things happening to me all over again? Can feel his crushing weight and the stabbing pain.
How do I continue? When for the first 18 years of my life I lived in a house where everything was my fault. All the blame was put on me. I was the reason those things happened. He "had" to rape me. Because I was a "bad girl". I asked for it. I was 5 when it started.
How do I go on? When at the age of 11 he came into my room while I was changing. And was forced to stand there naked when he video taped me. And yelled at me. And laughed at me. And ridiculed me. I cried for help. I begged him to stop. But it never stopped. Why would it this time?
How can I keep living? When these are the only memories of my childhood? When I've believed for so long that they are all my fault. And that I deserved it all.
How do you do it? When the memories overpower you? The guilt and shame overtakes you? Your desire just to leave this all behind makes that blade, that bottle of pills, that gun, that whatever, look o so tempting. How do you do it?
I had a psychotic level of self blame for many years, medication helped with this.
I've always been a big talker, to those who are caring, that is.
Take good care, I hope you get through this crisis.
I could not live day after day with the memories without help.
All my siblings were abused and we have all dealt with those memories and experiences differently. My two oldest sisters have one foot in denial and one foot in organized religion; they have both decided that they did not want to actually face what happened. Instead, they have chosen to live constricted lives.
I chose professional help. And read as much as I could on the fallout from sexual abuse and how to heal. I journaled, went to healing workshops, did EMD-R, Focusing, Hypnosis, etc., etc., and am now ready to do Prolonged Exposure therapy which someone on DS posted about a short time ago.
I did some quick research on it and know that it is exactly what I need to do. It is about gradually standing eyeball to eyeball with the trauma, processing it and releasing it. I dread it, and all the shame that comes with it, but know if I let my dread dictate my life I'll be a prisoner to the fallout of abuse forever.
My younger sister chose both street drugs and prescription drugs to dull the pain for most of her life, and my youngest sister exists in dysfunctional denial.
My brother did to his step-daughter what was done to him but she ended up pregnant.
So, you see, AprilStar, we all handled the trauma memories and flashbacks differently. The question to ask yourself is what do you want to do to make your life a healthy, fulfilling one.
Healing is a hard journey but it beats the easy way out. So, what do you do? You get some help from a therapist who knows how to work with survivors.
In time and with hard work I came to learn that the abuse was not who I was but was something done to me...and that I deserved none of it...does any child?
I learned new ways to think. And how to let go of guilt and shame that was not really mine. I finally understood that I was not damaged goods, or forever wounded and that healing IS a reality.
So, IMO, AprilStar, how to do it is to get qualified help.
xx
SuzA
But you're an adult now. You can now look back and see and understand the big picture. You know with certainty that no 5 year old is "bad" and deserves to be raped. You know he didn't "have" to rape you. You know you didn't ask for it. You see that your boundaries were violated very early in life, your power taken from you. You step back and look at the people or person telling you everything was your fault. You allow yourself to admit any and all the people telling you that were the "bad" people.
It was a lie then and a lie now and one you can stop telling yourself. If after looking at it objectively and have any confusion or doubt about the innocence of a 5 year old, then take the next step and find a good therapist to help you get that clarity. You were systematically abused on many levels throughout your childhood to believe a lie and it worked. But it;s still a lie. There is a healthy adult in you that knows this already but this part of you needs to be strengthened and repeated over and over like a mantra. "It's a lie!" I refuse to believe it any longer. I was not at fault...I was just a little 5 year who was innocent but got abused by a bad person. I will not allow myself to go on believing the lies. And don;t.
It's that simple but not that easy. If you're often struggling with flashbacks, bombarded with memories that over power you, continue to feel shame and guilt even knowing the person who did this was the sick one not you....and esp if your beginning to have suicidal thoughts....then it's critical you get into therapy right away..don;t wait.
If the temptation to harm yourself is scaring you, then get to a hospital right away....you are valuable, you are important, you are not to blame in any way...to harm yourself because of the lies of a sick person would be a horrible tragedy
No matter how much pain you feel, no matter what you believe, you know what was done to you was wrong, it's a pain inside caused by another and can be healed. I promise you it will get better, you will not always feel the way you do now....but you need some help and support just like most all of us here have needed at some point. The pain is too much to handle alone. So don't delay, take action.
It's been said and so true..."suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"...this is a problem right now but it won't always be....you asked "How do you do it? Well...we, all of us here, do it by reaching out for help just as you have with this post. You have taken the first step...now just keep walking toward health and recovery there will be many to support you on your journey. Please be gentle with yourself....no self harm of any kind okay?
I'm 41 now and have been leading a rather quiet life for ten years. I've been in therapy and on various (legal) drugs but in my case it wasn't very helpful. Mind you, I'd still recommend you try.
Anyway, what has helped me most has been writing and drawing and doing yoga.
what you wrote also made me think of last year when I went to see my parents and the first thing my dad did was to put his hand on my tits and say that I'd grown 'curvaceous' in the right places...and then he came up behind me and tickled me in the same place when I was doing my hair and I got really angry and shouted 'This has to stop! You are sick!'. He laughed at me and ridiculed me and said nobody would ever believe me anyway.
I am 41 years old. Today I can at least try to hold him off and to defend myself. And I know that he's the one who is ridiculous. Since that episode last year I have managed to keep him off me, I'd let down my guard because he hadn't acted like that in many years.
The guilt and the shame are not yours, they are his. Don't forget that. Good Luck.
((((Hugs)))) you're worth the effort, ask for the help you need.
good luck
rich