First things first I want to let you know that you would very much be missed:) Right now you're going through the second hardest part and that is remembering. The hardest was going through it in the first place. But trust me, I know that it is painful but don't kill yourself. If you can find someone you can trust and spend the night with. One where you know you are safe. You don't have to explain anything. Just say that you're scared and don't want to be alone at the moment. If you have siblings or your mom you can go to, do so. You might get looked at funny but just show them that you're really scared and just need to be around someone. Always try to be around someone you know wont let you hurt yourself.
And no you did not kill your dad. The people who hurt you are way more responsible then you could ever possibly be. There is never an excuse for rape. Even if the person is passed out naked in public. It is not and never will be your fault.
Right now the first thing you need to do is find a way that you can watch yourself and make sure you don't hurt yourself. I know it really hurts right now and it feels like it wont get better. But it will. Many have been through what you've been through. And yes it has been just as bad. I know that you feel alone, but sexual abuse is so common there are likely to be many people you know that have went through something similar but never talk about it.
But find someone you know you can trust completely. You said you had a friend you told. Can you go to her? Cause the first thing you need to do is stablize yourself a little bit. You are a strong person. That's why your brain is thinking your strong enough to remember. Cause you are strong. If you have to get a friend's help and find a doctor or therapist to go to without your mom knowing then you can try that. you can simply tell the therapist that you're afraid to tell your mom. That way later they may be able to set something up so all of you can talk. And be sure to have others you have confided in be there as well so your mom is less likely to react badly. Cause right now you need support. So find all the people you can right now. You can do this.

I'm so, so sorry you've been through this. I've been through similar abuses that, like you said, are nothing short of torture. I recently had a strong and vivid memory of being gang raped by 8 men. I just want you to know that you are definitely not alone. And you are very, VERY, strong. I always consider survivors of abuse to be the strongest people out there. There are people out there who have been through similar things as yourself. That is something I have only recently realized.

None of this is your fault. The abusers are always, ALWAYS, at fault. I know this is difficult, I know. I'm having an extremely difficult time right now, but I know that suicide is NOT an option, even though it's such an attractive idea. I agree with what Renasci said, you need to stablize yourself. I would listen to what she said as it is great information she gave you. You need to hang on to the hope that things WILL get better, and they will! I'm friends with some women that went through absolutely horrendous abuses and they are doing so great now. Not that they don't have down days, but they are living examples that their is life after the pain. I always hold on to that hope that things will get better, no matter how bleak things may seem. Sometimes hope is the only thing that gets me through to the next day, but I know it will happen in time.

Hope some of this is helpful.

thanks..turns out these guys did it to more then one guy, and they are in jail now. but things are still bad cuz i sent them to jail and ruined there lives. im so messed up, i feel worse about them going to jail then what they did. and Endy(my dads friead who hurt me) is back in my life and acts like nothing happened...my mom doesnt know cuz i never told her and i cant tell her now its too late. my life is sort of falling to peices around me and now the only good thing in my life is my bf kris. and he is getting tired of me i can tell. i dont want to lose him but i dont want him to be unhappy. idk what to do

They will be out of jail before you are healed from what they did to you, I almost guarantee it.
Sorry to tell you that; I pull no punches.
But you may serve a longer sentence for THEIR crime than they do.
Hon, you deserved protection.
These guys deserve going to jail
Your dad's friend deserves to be put in jail. I believe you could try to do that.
When weighing two lives in a scale...one an innocent child, the other that child's abuser...who do you think I think more worth caring for?

You.

Okay, slow down and breathe, First of all the Zearl family, you need to call the cop. Ask to speak with the sexual crimes unit. Bastards like them, enjoy talking about their crimes. You need to know this isn't your fault. Please don't hurt useself. I'm 27 male, abuse at 6 and didn't remember in detail until 13. Your going through puberty mind, body, it seems like you need justice, like we all do. Believe me miss if you decided to carry this like a loaded gun, sooner or later the victim plays rolette. I used to scare people in my school because I never told. It consumed my day. I once bawl as 19year senior, over Radio Flyer, abuse of any nature angers me, Like I should be able to stop and help some one like myself, guild is misplaced on you when your the victim.

I'm so sorry you endured that.

First, you didn't kill your dad. He was an adult and he made a choice. It was HIS choice.

People often say that suicide is a very selfish act. It's not. To the person ending their life, it seems like the most selfless act possible - they world would be better off without them.

But, it has devastating consequences for those left behind.

If you possibly can, seek professional help. You have a long journey ahead of you, but it's a journey you CAN complete. You're worth so much more than this. Please don't give upon your life. You are worth so much more.

Don't give into the ugliness that these men have involved you in. Try to find hope in your ability to survive and thrive.

Do build a support network around you.

Love to you,
Laura