Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I havent been on this site in ages. Its almost 3am and I just cant sleep. Not sure why but i have some memories of my "abuse"< or as my dad called it "a mistake".
Im confused, and i need answers or... some closure if its possible, maybe not since my dad moved to NZ few days ago with my siblings and step mom.
Anyway, I want to share some feelings and memories on here if its ok.
It was Oct., i was 17, and we were at some neighborhood party. My dad and his friends were drinking and having fun etc. I was upstairs with my siblings and their friends bored yet trying to play along with them with their games etc.
I went to karaoke after the party with my dad since he promised we can go afterwards, so we did,but came home after 45 mins. or an hour since dad was dozing off. When we got home he asked if i was going to take a shower, i said yes but downstairs, while he took one upstairs, he told me to not do that since I`d wake up my step mom in the other room, he then asked if i wanted to have a quick shower with him. I said no, and he kept asking, telling me its to save water etc.
I was feeling cornered... pressured, i said ok.
Ok. to make this short, i had a body complex back then(still do in a way) about my left breast nipple, which is inverted.. I remembered while we were outside the shower room how maybe dad can help me since he studied woman anatomy in college, so i heard.. and so i asked him for help, to check( i meant as in to just look,but i didnt clarify that part..)
He just told me to go into the shower first and he`d come in and check in there.. i hesitated but went in, started to wash my hair, then suddenly the lights went out, pitch dark... then the shower cubical door opened, and a shadow figer came in--dad.
He then asked me where i wanted him to check. I just told verbally where, and he told me to turn and to face the wall.. i was a bit worried.. but i did was i was told.. then all of a sudden, he was touching, messaging my breast. he said"I`m just checking for lumps". TIme froze, my mind and body was gone, dead. i was in shock, it felt like forever.... then he (from what i remember) washed my body too after that.
We went out of the shower, he turned the light on, he told me to show him again, so i did.. and he poked a finger into the inverted hole of my left breast and asked" Can you feel that?".. i didnt know hat to fuck he was talking about so i just answered "no.."
He then said, " I think you should have a Dr. take a look at it", the nhe left me alone in the shower room, alone.. and on the floor, while i was trying or already changed into my pjs.
I couldnt sleep that night... i asked him the following day about it.. he said "sorry,i was drunk, can you please forgive me?" and i just said "ok".
I confronted him a year after that, he killed me on the spot, blamed me, guilt tripped me. said how he didnt wash me in the shower, and he didnt molest me since it was just a check he did for me because i asked him for help.
Anyway, that was years ago. i saw dad recently before they left for NZ. I was ok, but still felt ... bad at times too. He told me before it was a mistake from both our sides.
Im just wondering tonight if its all in my head and i was over thinking all these years about it.. if so, i guess im crazy or something because i still cant forget it, and i still feel like he knows something happened etc. idk.
Idk what he did to me that night,despite just being drunk, but it really left me feeling insecure about my self and identity for a long time.
Sorry for the long ranting... i just feel trapped.
Im confused, and i need answers or... some closure if its possible, maybe not since my dad moved to NZ few days ago with my siblings and step mom.
Anyway, I want to share some feelings and memories on here if its ok.
It was Oct., i was 17, and we were at some neighborhood party. My dad and his friends were drinking and having fun etc. I was upstairs with my siblings and their friends bored yet trying to play along with them with their games etc.
I went to karaoke after the party with my dad since he promised we can go afterwards, so we did,but came home after 45 mins. or an hour since dad was dozing off. When we got home he asked if i was going to take a shower, i said yes but downstairs, while he took one upstairs, he told me to not do that since I`d wake up my step mom in the other room, he then asked if i wanted to have a quick shower with him. I said no, and he kept asking, telling me its to save water etc.
I was feeling cornered... pressured, i said ok.
Ok. to make this short, i had a body complex back then(still do in a way) about my left breast nipple, which is inverted.. I remembered while we were outside the shower room how maybe dad can help me since he studied woman anatomy in college, so i heard.. and so i asked him for help, to check( i meant as in to just look,but i didnt clarify that part..)
He just told me to go into the shower first and he`d come in and check in there.. i hesitated but went in, started to wash my hair, then suddenly the lights went out, pitch dark... then the shower cubical door opened, and a shadow figer came in--dad.
He then asked me where i wanted him to check. I just told verbally where, and he told me to turn and to face the wall.. i was a bit worried.. but i did was i was told.. then all of a sudden, he was touching, messaging my breast. he said"I`m just checking for lumps". TIme froze, my mind and body was gone, dead. i was in shock, it felt like forever.... then he (from what i remember) washed my body too after that.
We went out of the shower, he turned the light on, he told me to show him again, so i did.. and he poked a finger into the inverted hole of my left breast and asked" Can you feel that?".. i didnt know hat to fuck he was talking about so i just answered "no.."
He then said, " I think you should have a Dr. take a look at it", the nhe left me alone in the shower room, alone.. and on the floor, while i was trying or already changed into my pjs.
I couldnt sleep that night... i asked him the following day about it.. he said "sorry,i was drunk, can you please forgive me?" and i just said "ok".
I confronted him a year after that, he killed me on the spot, blamed me, guilt tripped me. said how he didnt wash me in the shower, and he didnt molest me since it was just a check he did for me because i asked him for help.
Anyway, that was years ago. i saw dad recently before they left for NZ. I was ok, but still felt ... bad at times too. He told me before it was a mistake from both our sides.
Im just wondering tonight if its all in my head and i was over thinking all these years about it.. if so, i guess im crazy or something because i still cant forget it, and i still feel like he knows something happened etc. idk.
Idk what he did to me that night,despite just being drunk, but it really left me feeling insecure about my self and identity for a long time.
Sorry for the long ranting... i just feel trapped.
He set up a situation so he could feel you up and then he blamed you; you have every right to be angry with him. The idea that it was a 'mistake' from 'both of you" is such excuse-making bullshit.
He has boundary & sexuality problems and can't face it. Dysfunctional people usually don't cop to their problems unless forced to by say, the police.
I think that therapy might help you feel better about yourself and to get past this.
I would distance myself from your father for the time being until you feel like you are more secure about yourself. You don't need him blaming you and all of that. Maybe if necessary, family functions, but I would say don't spend any time alone with him for the time being.
Then at some point, you can decide what is right for you and how you want to move on.
I think I hear you ... sometimes we just need to be around people who we can trust enough to be ourselves, and think out loud.
It sounds as though your Dad has moved a step closer to accepting some responsability.
You sound like a very bright and sensitive person, and that recent events have acted like a trigger.
We are all friends here & wish you the best.
Peace,
Thank you both so much for your support though- I feel very alone and lost all over again.
My dad and i had a talk 2 years ago, about this. He apologized and said how he didnt know, he misunderstood, and that "it was a mistake from both sides"...
Maybe he tried to take responsibility but couldnt bring himself to really admit anything. He said he didnt want his own daughter to think of him as a child molester.. Which made me think back then,"So, he is??" But im sure he`s not. And it was a one time thing, and i cant change shit. I but i still feel trapped sometimes. I feel i have to be self destructive somehow to deal with the personal emotions i feel for him.
Dads living in another country now-he`ll be visiting Japan monthly but i wont see him much at all since I`ll be moving next year as well. but not that i dont want to see him- ive seen him and the rest of the family a few times before they left, pretty much had to mask my emotions someday, other day i felt ok, but awkward etc.
I think I just wish my dad would come clean.. but that day wont come. He wont ever do that. I feel im left with his burden, and i cant feel normal, live life to the fullest etc.
Sorry for the long comment..
But yes I do feel over sensitive when it comes to certain topics like this one..still vulnerable to the situation i think.
i feel so damn lost. I moved on but it`s hard to feel i did sometimes, although my mom says i have to completely cut ties with him or i havent moved on-- i honestly ont want to listen to her, she never supported me through the dark times. I think she didnt know how but she just told me to forget it.
Again, thank you very much!!
I know I cant change what happened- as well as im still a bit distorted about it from my dads emotional abuse after i confronted him. Although he seems to have forgotten it after he apologized to me few years ago. I figured i shouldnt and cant bring it up to dad again after all these years, dont want to ruin anything in the family.
But I guess I wish i was stronger to tell him off about it properly.
He doesnt know how vulnerable and depressed he left me that night-- after dad hurt me, i felt so alone i was used by 4 other guys in the aftermath of it all. I think i was just too depressed to care about living after that. Nothing mattered, and my family donest know shit about any of this too.
Sorry about the ranting, i think im just upset even after i let him hug me and see me for lunch and during the family meetings, having to feel ok around him. the whole I love you/hate you relationships with him, not that he knew..
Not sure if i can ever cope with this in a healthy way- but i know others thats been through real trauma and abuse, so sorry to sound so weak.
I wish he can admit it and get hurt too, but thats bitchy of me to say.. but im too nice to him.
No one likes to hear the same thing over and over- in the end they feel helpless and give up on you. i dont want that to happen again with my current bf. But i know he just wants me to forget it, or not think of it anymore, not let it get to me. I think depression is just killing me today. Sorry.
Thank you so much for the comments and support Gothic Tragedy. xx
I hope you are doing well too
We all have bad days... I just have to try what i can do, besides starving, if its possible.. to cope better with everything.
Being sensitive is not being overly sensitive; I think that your reaction is normal. We follow our parents for years and develop a trust that is never matched unless we have an incredible married life. You trusted your father and that is normal.
Your Dad has shown where his mind was and is. He will admit to you the truth, which truly is an amazing recognition and a very good sign as many perps deny .... deny ... deny ... He does not want the embarassment of dealing with the whole family; as you are the victim I think he should allow you this as a sign of respect (but I understand why it would be a BIG!! step for him). Finally, he exhibits confusion as to whether you were his child or an adult, by saying it was wrong, but he tries to make you take a part of the blame.
Bringing the focus back to you instead of on him ... coping is what we all do very day for the rest of our lives. I'm to the point where I'm not in obsessive patterns, however, I still hav difficulties with some personal interaction and am stil training myself to be the person who I want to be. I lived in denial of my issues for 30 years and have been "working out" the damage for the past 3 years so far.
I understand that you want your Dad to 'come clean', but it will take more pressure and personal growth on his part before he will. I'm not sure whethre the stress of hoping that he will progress is worth your effort - your call - but let us know if you want to try it.
I have to go.
Best wishes - take care of yourself because you are worth the effort!