Actually, being sexually abused and/or raped multiple times is more common than you think. I was myself. That being said, your husband, in my opinion is being a big jerk about it. Sorry to be so blunt, but that;s my opinion. If he doesn't want to be supportive, you need to find someone else to talk about it with, but he should be supporting you in this.

You say you don't harp on it and it doesn't bother you. I used to say that too. I mean if you've been through therapy and have dealt with it, great, but if not, then you need to at some point.

I am so sorry your husband is acting like this toward you, but maybe, hopefully, once he has had a chance to think about it, he will change his tune. Sorry, maybe someone else here has something more they can offer by the way of advice on this.

I think you should find a professional person to talk to. Remember when I just came here a couple days ago, someone told me that not everyone is equip with the tools to deal with these sort of things. My parents are not equip to have this discussion with me. My mother in particular doesn't like to talk about it. So she sent me, despite my protest to see someone who would be better able to help me. Keeping it inside doesn't help. Trust me I tried that and it didn't work.

Thank you Butterfly- I have been to therapy, but only briefly, which is probably why I didn't know how to approach this with my husband.

Redstone- you make an excellent point. Not everyone is equipped with the tools and this is not something I thought off at all. I just assumed he would be supportive and understanding- not slamming. Ouch.

Sorry to hear about your situation, and your past abuse. many people find it hard to understand repeated abuse, but statistically, it's going to happen to some people. Of course, that doesn't mean that you deserved it or asked for it. Anyway, about your husband. I wonder if he is having a hard time understanding it or dealing with it. people that haven't gone through it can have a hard time understanding the gambit of emotions and other issues that come with abuse.


That, or course, is me giving him the benefit of the doubt. I hope he is not legitimately angry or dissapointed in you because of your abuse. I don't know your relationship dynamic but that part of it does not feel healthy. Maybe what you need to do is express to him a desire to talk about it openly. sit down together and share it with him, as much as you are comfortable with. tell him that he needs to be more supportive of your issues. I haven't been married long, but I've learned that communication is essential for a happy and loving relationship. anything else is just, well, fake.

Either way, it seems like you are handling your abuse well, but I would recommend talking with a therapist at least once or twice. there might be many buried feelings and emotions that need dealt with.

kupkakegirl,

I was also sexually abused by many predators and raped as an adult. And, as butterfly said, it is more common that you think.

When I started therapy my husband, who was a Ph.D., clinical psychologist, told me he didn't want to know anything that went on in my sessions.

I was in therapy for 10+ years and carried that pain around even after I left that particular therapist. I felt abandoned by him and left to deal with everything on my own.

On one hand that helped strengthen me, yet there were times I so wanted to share some stuff that was going on.

I don't know what's going on with your husband but "...making him face it," is not the answer, IMO, nor is "shutting" up about it. I'd suggest getting Laura Davis' book called Allies in Healing: When the person you love was sexually abused as a child.

It may help him understand where you are. If he is not ready to read the book then I'd suggest therapy for you with a therapist trained to work with survivors. Actually, therapy, regardless of what your husband does, is important.

It takes time to heal and it's hard work. But it's worth every bit of energy you put towards it.

That's both my experience and my opinion.

xx
SuzA

Hi Chemguy,

He is very disappointed. From our conversations, this is not the woman he wanted to fall in love with, but he has fallen in love with the woman I am today.

I have told him that I would like him to accept who I am and that this may come up, that I am open and honest, but he is adamant that he dos not want to hear it at all or ever.

I like to think I handle it well, but some thinking has led me to realize I actually don't. I do not think about it constantly. I have not let it stop me from being successful or happy, but I do let it affect me. I get depressed more than I should and when I do I quickly spiral. I got married three weeks ago....a wedding I wore cut marks on my wrist to. I am a cutter. After a fight with my husband one night- I felt worthless and too damaged and resorted to that. In the last three months I have contemplated the end too many times to count. That's not normal.

I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time. That said I think that from a man's perspective I believe I know why your husband is behaving the way that he is. As you said, he really doesn't know how to process this. When my wife and I dating I knew that she was divorced. So one day she told me that she couldn't figure out why I was with her. Puzzled, I asked for an explanation. She proceeded to tell me that she had been involved in an affair during her previous marriage. She told me the whole story from beginning to end. I gave her understanding and the assurance that her past was just that, the past. Then I learned that the man she had slept with was someone that I knew as well and we ran into him often. He had married but I couldn't help but think that there might still be something going on. The more I thought on it, the more I was certain. I couldn't have been more wrong. But because I focused on that, I started having trust issues. "If she could have one before what would stop her from having one now?" became my question. That said, this is something that you and your husband need to sit down and really talk this through. Let him know exactly how you felt then and how you feel now. His insecurities are coming out right now. Let him know that you view him as your Knight in Shining Armor, your Protector. Tell him that you are okay and that the two of you will get through this. Assure him that he didn't marry your past, but he married your present in the hope for a better future. Its important to leave the past behind which it appears that you have done for the most part. I believe that the two of you can get through this. If he still has trouble dealing with it, then having him come on here and we will help him to the best of our abilities.