Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
When I was sexually abused I was 6 years old. It happened just outside of a large pig pen. I knew him. I thought he was a friend. He and i went out "exploring" the woods together one day. I use quotes because I had just moved there, and he had lived there for years. I had gotten very lost and did not realize that we had walked in a big circle and i was really only about 100 yards from the road that i lived on. Anyway, I had often wondered at what point in the day did he decide he was going to rape me. I mean.... how does that even enter someones mind? During my therapy session today I realized, I think, just when... and to some degree why, he made that decision.
He had been using the knowledge that I was lost and afraid of the pigs to make me even more terrified. Eventually he told me that I had to swim in the pig pond, or he would leave me to be eaten by the pigs. The pig pond was full of slime, and waste. It was very very dirty. So I decided to take of my clothes to swim in it. I just did not want my clothes to get full of pig wast. But that has got to be the moment he made his decision. If i had not striped, none of this would of happened. I know that I was only 6, and that technically it was not my fault. but to be honest... If I had just kept my clothes on.....
Incidentally, I have also realized the connection between this moment and why my entire PE in school career I have never taken a shower at school, nor changed clothes in front of anyone. I always wore my shorts under my pants.
I hate so much knowing that he was responsible for so many of my "odd" behaviors growing up and in my adult life. I mean for instance, I cannot have an adult level conversation about sex. It embarrasses me to no end. I often feel like I still have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. And right now I'm 43 so medically speaking i should go have a rectal exam. The idea of this terrifies me. I just really think that i would rather die of cancer than to go through with this exam. I am still just such a mess. I just wish that somehow someway, I would just stop feeling so out of control. That at some point I could act normal. Im just so frustrated.
He had been using the knowledge that I was lost and afraid of the pigs to make me even more terrified. Eventually he told me that I had to swim in the pig pond, or he would leave me to be eaten by the pigs. The pig pond was full of slime, and waste. It was very very dirty. So I decided to take of my clothes to swim in it. I just did not want my clothes to get full of pig wast. But that has got to be the moment he made his decision. If i had not striped, none of this would of happened. I know that I was only 6, and that technically it was not my fault. but to be honest... If I had just kept my clothes on.....
Incidentally, I have also realized the connection between this moment and why my entire PE in school career I have never taken a shower at school, nor changed clothes in front of anyone. I always wore my shorts under my pants.
I hate so much knowing that he was responsible for so many of my "odd" behaviors growing up and in my adult life. I mean for instance, I cannot have an adult level conversation about sex. It embarrasses me to no end. I often feel like I still have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. And right now I'm 43 so medically speaking i should go have a rectal exam. The idea of this terrifies me. I just really think that i would rather die of cancer than to go through with this exam. I am still just such a mess. I just wish that somehow someway, I would just stop feeling so out of control. That at some point I could act normal. Im just so frustrated.
He wanted to rape you from the very beginning, Taz.
The whole thing was a set-up, you just told me that.
He deliberately got you confused as to where you were and where home was so that you'd be dependent on him to get home.
He knew what he was doing the whole time.
He probably befriended you in the first place with rape in mind.
I dont know why i am tearing myself apart trying find a reason why it happened. Or what could i have done to prevent it. Im just feeling very obsessed over the notion that i could have done something different.
safe (((HUGS)))