Before I start, this may hold too many details. Please do not read if you feel it may be a trigger for you. I am sorry to put it this way, but these are the details I cannot get out of my head. I am tired of questioning if I was or wasn't.

As a child, I grew up with three older brothers. My parents got a divorce when I was born because my father abused my mom and brothers. One of them, the one closest in age to me (about 5 years), has anger issues. He once tried to kill my mother... at least that is how I remember it. But since then, he has grown into what I define as a really good person. I didn't have a relationship with my father at the time and my mom worked a lot trying to take care of us, so my brothers would babysit me. Let's call this brother H. I remember a number of times he would get mad at me when nobody else was home and would either (literally) pick me up and throw me in the hall closet or in my room then lock me in. I remember one time clearly, other times not so clearly, that I was naked in my H's bed and he did things to me. H was "done" with me and I walked across the hall to my room and masturbated... At this time, I was around 7?! This brings up a whole nother set of questions...that just doesn't seem okay to me given my age. I feel sickened that it may have been brought upon by these situations.

I had one friend when I was around 5 or 6. Her parents were friends with my mom and her brother with H. One night, while our parents were in their house, our brothers and us were in their parents' RV. I remember being on the top bunk with my friend's brother. He took my shirt off and I was laying on my stomach when I felt him rubbing himself all over my back...I was in terror. But I do not remember anything else other than that I kept asking about my friend and if she was okay but nobody let me look down from the bunk... I can only assume my brother did the same thing to her that he did to me, maybe worse. My friend and I never spoke about it and have since lost touch.

Growing up, these memories haunted me and I didn't want to accept what these situations may have been. He stopped at some point, I think once I was a little older and spent all the time I could at my friends' houses. I am now 20. I have been filled with so much anger the past year or so while addressing what may have caused a lot of my present trust issues that are honestly overpowering my life. I've tried to cut out my brother, but he has a one year old baby boy that I want to have a relationship with and a stepdaughter who I adore. He is really great now, but I really fucking hate him for what he did to me and what I think happened to my friend who I've been searching for for years.

Am I being over dramatic or is this real? Please don't be afraid to be brutally honest.