Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
So.. here's a little bit of an explanation. I'm 26, I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks for about 10years now. They started out of the blue when I was 15-16 years old. I have been to the ER, counselors, psychologist, doctors.. (not in a couple years though). I get the anxiety to go away for a while and it just creeps right back in. Anyways, currently I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and my anxiety is full force.. like I haven't left the house since december except to go to my Dr appointment. Anyways, I was confiding in my Aunt (lets call her aunt michelle) about my anxiety and panic and I told her it's all about control. I'm scared to drive with someone because what if they don't listen and take me back home. Or I'm scared to drive myself because what if I pass out or go crazy.. I'll lose control. I know it's so silly.. or it seems that way. But it's SO real to me.. So she asked me if I had ever been sexually abused because she knows a lot of people that have been sexually abused have problems with control. And a lot of times people push those types of memories out of thier head and try not to remember them and maybe there was something i didnt remember. Well I immediatly said no, changed the subject and went on our way. Now this has really been bugging me. It's something I've never talked to ANYONE about. Not my psychologist, fiance, family.. nobody. But I remember when I was probably 9 or 10 and my cousin was 12 or 13.. (maybe both younger but definitely not older.. it's really all a blur) we were sitting in his bedroom talking. Well he asked me if I wanted to do something fun. I asked what... he said let's pull our privates out and walk in a circle around the room. I didn't really understand... he said it would be fun so I said ok. He locked the door and pulled out his penis and told me to pull down my pants and walk around in circles around the room and on the bed. Then the next thing I remember is my aunt (let's say aunt julie) pounding on the door telling us to unlock it and open it. He was in a panic very firmly but whispering to me to pull my pants up quickly and DO NOT TELL ANYONE! I pulled my pants up, my aunt julie came in and asked what we were doing and why it took so long to open the door. I don't remember anything other than that besides I think my mom asked me about it when I got home.. but I can't remember if I told her what happened or not. Now thinking back on the whole situation I really only remember bits and pieces. We could've been in that room for 2 minutes or 2 hours.. I don't know. And with what my aunt michelle said about people trying to forget the stuff that happens to them.. what if we did something more and I just made myself forget about it? Would that even be considered sexual abuse? I mean we were both so young I had no idea what I was doing or what was going on and I'm not sure if he did either. But I do know that there are 2 other Instances that I can think of sexual with him but just talking.. he taught me how to spell sex ( I dont know how old I was but I know I didn't know how to spell and I didn't know what sex was) and another time there was blood on the toilet paper roll at my house and he asked if I knew what it was from.. I said someone probably got cut and he told me no.. it was from my moms vagina. that girls get periods and bleed out thier vagina so she was probably wiping it and accidently got it on the tissue. I don't know I feel really uncomfortable even saying this to Internet strangers.. it just makes me feel really gross and disgusting and that's why I didn't tell my aunt Michelle. it makes me feel like I did something wrong. but like I said I KNOW I was young enough and I had no idea what was going on at the time. not a clue. I'm really not sure on the ages though. sorry this is so long.. and thanks if you made it to the end. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of my anxiety problem.. and really want to get this out of my life..
*edited for spelling errors and because I was talking about 2 different aunts.. one that I was talking to about my problems aunt Michelle and one that is my cousins mom aunt julie*
My anxiety and panic started when I was 16 also and I had no memory of abuse. Not even an inkling that something like that ever happened to me. I was in and out of therapists offices trying to figure out why I was so anxious all the time but never remembered what happened to me. I just wasn't ready to remember yet. Since it was the 80's the common diagnosis was that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain that was causing the anxiety (which I think they still blame today) but I knew in my soul that something had caused it - I just didn't know what. I rejected all meds and took the therapy route until I was in my early 30's. My anxiety got worse so I did go on Paxil. That worked for 10 years and then I went back to therapy. Finally I remembered what happened to me and I have been able to heal.
For your situation my first thought was why did your Aunt jump right to sexual abuse? Does she work with survivors? Does she know someone who was sexually abused? Perhaps your cousin was sexually abused? What you describe here, and I understand you have gaps in your memory, sounds like the natural curiosity children have. When I was around 10 I did this 'show and tell' with my neighbor. We went into the woods and he showed me his penis and I showed him my vagina. It was curiosity. What you describe may go a little beyond curiosity though because of the way you feel about it. When I had a show and tell with my neighbor it felt innocent. It didn't feel dirty to me at all. But you have some feelings of 'this is not right' so it may have been more or it may not have. There is no way for me to tell. It does sound like your cousin may have been exposed to more than any child should have been though. He told you not to tell anyone so he knew there was something bad in what he was doing with you. And he knew about a woman's period which I find odd. But I do know some families are more open about this stuff than my family was so maybe it is perfectly normal that he knew about a woman's period at his age. It does feel like something is 'off' about the situation and may warrant a trip back to the therapists office to try to remember more.
I understand you feel like you are disrespecting the dead but it's so important that you start talking about this so you can get to the truth and finally heal. You can heal from whatever happened but you do have to talk about it first. I think that your cousin would want you to heal especially if he was the cause of your trauma. I know it's hard to talk about it and coming here and telling your story was an excellent start and very brave of you. When you are ready please consider going back to therapy though. You really do deserve to live a life free of anxiety and panic.