Hello, 

im new here and figured I'd jumped on and tell my story.. 

Two months ago, I hung out with a friend for his bday.. I haven't seen him in years and I just wanted to have some fun. My guy and I broke up two week prior, we both agreed that we didn't want to be with each other and that he wasn't happy and I wasn't happy because we were in a bad space in our relationship. (Trust issues, a lot arguing). 

I had a few drinks (2-3)before going to see this friend, it was also my best friend's birthday so I went to her party first. After eating and dancing for a few hours I then drove an hour to go see my friend. His party was at the bar and since I had a far drive, I bought a drink so I didn't look to out of place and casually sip. I didn't even finish half of it.

we went for a walk just to catch up as the bar was starting to close and he kept getting touchy with me. He wanted to hold my hand and I told him that he was drunk and I wasn't comfortable. This friend knew my situation with my guy and knew I didn't want to do anything. He knew I wanted to get back together with him and knew that we both wanted to work on ourselves and rebuild our relationship. 

Long story short, every time I told him no, he  Would get super emotional. He made it seem like I'd be ruining his bday.. it made me feel terrible and manipulated. At one point I sat on his lap to calm him down because I got scared. He seemed unstable and I didn't think it was because of the liquor. Yes he was drunk out his mind but this was different.. I drank with him on multiple occasions before and this time I cousl sense anger.

I got ready to leave and his friends literally ditched him at the bar, so I ended up taking him home.. it wasn't safe for him to walk home. He lived a few blocks away and I thought he would just get out and go Inside as he just kept saying he wanted to sleep and was feeling sick. I never went in the house. He tried kissing me several times through out the night to which I told him I didn't want to. He would just cry again and eventually I kissed him once thinking he'd just got out the car. 

he didn't.. he ended up begging me to sit with him again and kept getting emotional.. I started to feel like my safety was in danger. It was 2:00am almost, and we were the only ones outside in my car. I was so nervous so I just sat on his lap.. I then got to a point where I just couldn't kept forcing myself and I told him I was extremely uncomfortable and that I was going back into my seat (driver seat). As I was moving he jumped up and pulled my back and drove my dress up and said "if you want FaceTime, I'll give you FaceTime" to which my response was .. "what the fuck does that even mean?!" I grabbed my dress to pull it down still trying to move back into my seat and he started giving me oral sex.. I felt really angry, I tried pushing him off and then I just had a moment where I thought "oh shit..this is happening again". I froze for a few minutes .. this would make it my second time being assaulted/raped, and my first time I tried fighting and it turned brutal. The force got worse and I literally lose everytime I tried to fight. This time I felt like I had 2 options 1). To kill him or 2). Take it and focus on going home. I thought about victims who defended themselves and actually went to prison and knew I didn't want that for myself. I just wanted to go home. So I told myself the best way to make sure I remain safe is to stroke his ego and make him think I'm enjoying. So I tried my best to make him think he was giving me the best head of my life. I was holding back tears because he was very rough, he kept biting really hard and fingered me hard asf. I told him I came 6 times and eventually he stopped. I froze as he came up and he jumped into my driver seat. 

I saw that the keys weren't in the ignition so I grabbed them and hid them next to me. I didn't want him to see them and try to take me somewhere. 

I told him that shouldn't of happened. I told him that I told him I didn't want to do anything with him the entire night and he force himself on me and hurt me. He started crying hard as fuck and said "I know you faked it, I know you didn't enjoy it because you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about you" and I told him "I liked you as my friend but this is going to change our friendship" he went on an emotional spiral. Eventually he got out the car but was crying and loosing it in the street. I got scared to pull off because he was Next to the car and o didn't want to hit him. 

He just kept saying he was so happy o see me and how he's upset that I don't feel that same. He went in the house and we talked on the phone to which I just repeated what I said in the car "that shouldn't of happened, I didn't want that, etc.) he texted me when I got home (screenshots below) .. and talked later on 8/30 in the afternoon and he literally said "you set the boundary for me the enter night and I just said fuck it" I told him I regret everything and that I Felt dirty and wanted to forget and he said "well I don't want to forget.. we had fun. Let's just go on a date. Let's go see a movie and go on a date" and I was so baffled. I told him I'd nap and call him back.. he text a few hours later joking that his jaws hurt. 

over the next two weeks I ignored him but then started calling back to see if I can get him to admit on calls again that that happened. The last time I spoke to him I told him I was going to get tested and that i wasn't okay. Mentally i was fucked Up and i let him know he added to my history of sexual trauma.. I wasn't sleeping, my hair was and still is falling out from stress and anxiety. He literally just gaslighted Me and said "i'm mean well, im fine and my dick still works. Fuck therapy it's a waste of money and they're gonna tell you what you already know anyway".. after the call maybe like he texted me that I should try out a smoothie place..  I blocked him on everything and haven't spoken to him since.

I feel so violated. This person has been my friend since 15, I'm 25 now.. I never felt so violated and betrayed before. I'm having such a hard time coping and it's been taking a while for me to get therapy set up. I haven't decided whether or not to report yet. I can't talk about it yet and I'm worried that this will further fuck me up mentally. 

I