Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
*Warning may trigger*
I finished my studies last May and started my new position at a center that provides services for individuals with intellectual disabilities and those on the autism spectrum. Today, I had meeting with a supervisor I had not met yet. Ten minutes into the meeting I noticed all these horizontal scars all over her chest, arms and upper thighs (hard not to, she was wearing a dress). I knew they were razor blade marks. It really stirred something in me. I wasn't disgusted and I didn't fear she was crazy. I was just shocked that she was so open about it. These scars were so apparent, so in your face and she wasn't ashamed to show them. I was really inspired by her. It made me think, if she can wear her scars proud and show everyone in the office that she overcame personal struggles ....maybe I can get to that same place one day....maybe I can heal too. She has a great job, super smart, great at what she does,is well liked, respected, funny and seems to have her life together, I really want that for myself. Although, people around me might say 'you are just as smart, funny, great at what you do...etc'. I may be great at my job and I may smile/joke around with you....but there is something definitely dark within me. This smile is just a mask I out on to get through the day. I'm just so tired of trying to keep up appearances or covering up the pain I feel inside. I just want to be 'ME" again...if I even know what that is anymore.
I finished my studies last May and started my new position at a center that provides services for individuals with intellectual disabilities and those on the autism spectrum. Today, I had meeting with a supervisor I had not met yet. Ten minutes into the meeting I noticed all these horizontal scars all over her chest, arms and upper thighs (hard not to, she was wearing a dress). I knew they were razor blade marks. It really stirred something in me. I wasn't disgusted and I didn't fear she was crazy. I was just shocked that she was so open about it. These scars were so apparent, so in your face and she wasn't ashamed to show them. I was really inspired by her. It made me think, if she can wear her scars proud and show everyone in the office that she overcame personal struggles ....maybe I can get to that same place one day....maybe I can heal too. She has a great job, super smart, great at what she does,is well liked, respected, funny and seems to have her life together, I really want that for myself. Although, people around me might say 'you are just as smart, funny, great at what you do...etc'. I may be great at my job and I may smile/joke around with you....but there is something definitely dark within me. This smile is just a mask I out on to get through the day. I'm just so tired of trying to keep up appearances or covering up the pain I feel inside. I just want to be 'ME" again...if I even know what that is anymore.
You mention that you feel like you are wearing a mask. So many of us do that and it's ok. It is just what we have to do to work and do our job. You will heal. It just takes time. Some days it is one step forward then two steps back. A face to face (real time) support group helped me a lot and I made a couple of good friends that I could really be myself around. Individual therapy helped me too. I have worked with 2 wonderful therapists and 2 or 3 not so good ones. I just restarted therapy after going it alone for several years.
Good luck with your journey :-)
All this is due to two wonderful therapists, SIA and Al-anon. I've been working on this for 27 years. I took a few years off but I'm back in therapy. I also had 5 others that were not so good.
Today I had a very rich day and was present. I felt sadness, happiness, frustration, accomplishment and contentment. I can't say I feel this way all the time, just for today. I felt alive today.
I suppose its the long road to healing and recovery that weights me down. I feel like there is so much ahead of me. It's horrible but I wish there was a quick fix.
I laughed when I read your reply about wanting a "quick fix"--not with joy, but with a laughter that said, " I wanted that too."
The thing is, dear one, you have a huge head start on your healing because you are only 27. I was 40 when I began my journey. And while I've never discovered a 'quick fix' I have discovered who I am.
I don't think I would have had such deep knowing of myself with a 'quick fix' because 'quick fixes' don't go deep enough. While it's true I would so like to find a way to shorten healing journeys I'm just not sure it can be done.
It was the journey itself that peeled away the shape of me from victim to survivor to thriver. And when I look back I see the many, many healing things I did to lose that "dark" within me: therapy--individual and group--, 12-step groups, body work, educating myself about the impact of abuse, writing thousands of pages in many journals, collage, etc., etc.
And it seems that each step I took in my healing brought me closer to my real Self. I'm not sure a "quick fix" would have been able to accomplish the same thing, though I understand your wish.
Instead of the thinking of it as a "...long road to healing and recovery" think of it as taking it one day at a time--until you know who you really are. That's a reward worth working for.
xx
SuzA