Good for u lilly. Hige progress. Doesnt matter if u join and unjoin like i did many times at the start. Its a good step towards healing. Gentle hugs.

thank you xo ok, that is what i am hoping for, the step toward healing. the maybe somehow being able to get closer to not having my throat stuck on the words.

it is terrifying

Oh my gosh, welcome! You are in lots of very good company. But I am truly sorry you have reason to be here.

(((hugs)))

thank you, (((hugs back)))

i've spoken bits and parts of it in the ptsd group. but memories are still coming back to me. just, unacceptable horrible things. the things a monster did to me.

it isn't about drama. it isn't about anything like that at all. it is about being able to get it past my throat.

i know about this sort of thing in helping others to get past things. i can help other people do it. only not myself right now.

maybe, if i can try to be that adult helping person to myself. i hadn't looked at it that way until just this second.

the terror is attached to my belief that my integrity went away, was destroyed by him doing what he did to me.

i begged him, i pleaded with him. i told him he would destroy what i was made of if he did what he did anyway. he said he loved me and abused me anyway.

what i need to tell myself - what i need to believe now somehow is, that my integrity is not taken. i don't know how to believe that though. that is a problem that is sticking in my throat.

I think it's important to know that we all have an essence, an essential Self, that is always protected and untouched. That's part of what drives abusers crazy - that they can't get to it. They can't touch it or control it so they try to destroy it. But they can't. Clearly it is still very much alive in you.

lyes! (((this))) i agree.

he wanted it somehow.

i was like a science experiment to him. what if we do this to the light, then what happens...

sick bastard

it is alive in me - you can see it? i don't really believe he killed it. i think i don't. it seems like it would be so much better if he were dead.

i will feel it is over when i know he is dead. he needs to be dead.

i was in counseling the one time and i thought he was dead. the counselor checked and found out for sure that he was not. i was devastated.

this is the one that showed up on my front porch recently and sat there for hours.

i mean 35 some yrs after i escaped from him

I know our circumstances are very different but i too feel it would help if two my abusers were dead.

(((hugs)))

I know just how it feels to be someone's science experiment too. you're not alone.

hugs, lilbean. i feel you xo


i am determined to find a way to deal no matter what his condition. he will not decide how i am any more.

nothing about him has anything to do with me any more - that's why this post is so important for me today.

he is a sick bastard and i am not anything like him. i was his abused victim. he held me captive - he knew exactly what he was doing from day one. he shopped for me.

he came looking for someone like me the night he found me working in the restaurant. i was completely innocent of freak shows like him and he saw that. he knew that. he played his tricks on me intentionally.

he stole me, and locked me away and tortured me. mentally and physically and sexually.

he had me chained by my little ankle to the floor. like your father overpowered you - there wasn't anything we could have done to stop them.

little Ash, (((hugs))), yes, you do know, huh. i'm so sorry we have to know. the sick monsters made us know.

but it is not a part of us - they did not change us into them. we can stand up together and say it, or write it. we can write it until we can say it. you didn't make me change - i am still here, i am still the same me, maybe even better now. you are still a sick monster, but i am still me. go back under your rock or i will hit you with some truth you may not be able to handle.

group hug, i can cry now, thank you